I kind of feel like I want to write this all out, and since this blog is anonymous and no one who would be able to figure who I am out would ever read this, I think this is the perfect venue. This will be a fairly long diary, so get yourself a warm cup of coffee or hot chocolate and relax. My life has changed so much over the past two days that I need to sort things out for myself. I grew up in southeast Michigan in a Detroit suburb. I'm used to dense urban sprawl and tightly packed neighborhoods like in Oak Park. Even when we lived out in Bloomfield Hills, people did not have an entire acre between their house and their neighbors'. I bring this up for one reason: this weekend I met my uncle (father's brother) for the first time. I have never met my father. I've neither seen him nor talked to him in my entire life. It's not really been a sore point, because he has had every opportunity to have a relationship with me. I even had a detective find his address and send him a letter when I was 18, to which I received no response. I'm 27 years old now, and I used Facebook to find my relatives. After I was fairly sure that they were in fact relatives, I decided to send a Facebook message and see if I would get a response. 8 months later, my uncle gave me a phone call and we made an appointment to meet last Saturday.
A friend was kind enough to drive me all the way to Holland, Michigan. For those of you who don't know, it's about a two and a half hour drive to the Western part of the state. I had never been before. The difference was night and day when compared to Southfield, where I was raised. There was a lot of wilderness and farmland. People lived in quaint homes, far away from each other, or in small clusters. I could not get over the fact that there were few if any street lights, and felt that I would get scared if I had to be outside at night. I saw some chemical plants and silos, and the sections that were developed were strip malls with a complement of corporate stores. Starbucks, Bigby's coffee, McDonald's, and Burger King dotted the commercial center. It all looked very nice, but I wanted to see where the small businesses were. In Southfield we have Starbucks too, no doubt, but we also have small bakeries, restaurants, and mom and pop stores that people go to because they know the owners. It's a good mix, so to see an economy largely based on corporate money and investment was new to me.
I found out my uncle was a hippie in the seventies. He told me that Ottowa county, where he lives, has voted Republican ever since Lincoln, who they found too liberal. My uncle is super liberal and eloped with his wife despite the disapproval of her super conservative Dutch father. I was surprised to find that we had the exact same personality. We both enjoy dark humor. Nothing is sacred because you should find as much humor in life as you can, given how hard it can be. It was weird that we finished each others sentences without ever having met in our entire lives. To me, it was a miracle he even agreed to meet with me. He hadn't told my father. I got in contact with my uncle by reaching out to my cousins. They told him that he shouldn't meet with me without my father's permission, but as far as my uncle was concerned, he was only getting older and he didn't need my father's blessing to do anything. He had talked to another uncle of mine beforehand, and they joked that my father was once a tailback in high school so that he wouldn't have to get tackled. The idea that his brother hid his own child for years without saying a word didn't surprise them. In fact, both uncles found out I existed when I sent my father the letter, and my father's wife told the other women in the family that she was distraught that my father had a son he never told anyone about. As far as my father was concerned, or so I'm told, he didn't want to ruin his family life and he was very much in love with his wife. Bringing me in the picture would ruin his life, and he wanted no part of me. It was hurtful to hear it, but at the same time, it was already clear. I've been a family secret for a long time.
Meeting my uncle and looking around the area, I learned a lot about a different way of life. The prosperity of the area is directly tied to the corporations who do business there. There were banks directly tied to certain corporations, and I imagined how many people would be destitute if Dow chemical wasn't doing good. The weather can be harsh and people are isolated into smaller clusters and probably convene in a few set places. It's not entirely homogenous. My uncle's neighbors are from Laos. There were Black people in Kalamazoo, albeit working behind the counter at McDonald's. People were nice to us when we drove in. I am pretty racially unidentifiable; not quite White but not quite Black. It was then that I really started to grasp why the area is red, and why Lincoln may have perhaps been too liberal at one point. These people directly see the link between large corporations and business and their being able to put food on the table. My uncle worked in IT for 28 years for corporate America, and I believe it's what drove him to be an alcoholic (he's been dry for 3 years!) If business wasn't good, then all of the nice, tidy houses would fade away. All of the festivals and community events would dry up. The communities are also smaller. I've never really known my neighbors living in S.E. Michigan. I mean, when I was young I played with the neighbor's kids sometimes, but I imagine when you live in small clusters or far apart but convene in set places, you tend to know people better. "Relying on your community" tends to have a stronger emotional impact when you in fact do know your neighbors or feel more connected. In an urban area, I see so many people that I couldn't possibly feel as if I'm in any meaningful social relationship with them, outside of inhabiting the same general space.
I read some of "What's the Matter with Kansas?" and while I like the author a great deal, something occurred to me as my uncle was driving me to his farm: these people rely on these businesses for their livelihood and are highly aware that they could be downsized. They believe that a strong social structure is one of the safeguards from falling into a money-less abyss. A family should have a mother and father, and they will most likely marry in their mid-twenties. I get the sense there is an acceptance of the difficulty of living life, and internalizing the struggle of existence. So any party that comes with a (seemingly) effective pro business stance, and does not threaten the strict social structure that can stave off some of the uncertainty and difficulty of living will gain the local's trust and support. If they have to pick between Jesus and letting two Steve's marry, then Jesus wins. If they think that high taxes will force Dow Chemical to go elsewhere, they'll get out the pitchforks and fight for the Repubicans. Now, after hearing this, I am going to say one thing that we as liberals know:
All of that is complete bullshit mired in fantasy. My own existence proves this.
My uncle left corporate America and has started his own farm. He doesn't give a damn how much money he makes; he has enough money for his house, eats some of what he grows, and sells the rest. He sells organic produce, but doesn't gouge his customers because he says "I have to sleep at night." My other uncle, who I will meet later, left corporate America to be a professor. He is a professor of "entrepreneurship," and now lives comfortably in his ivory tower. My own father? He quit the bank, and now sells DVDs and books out of his house, as a sort of mini Amazon. The others? They have also self ejected from corporate America after years of self denial. What about family values? Well, I'm sure you're already grinning. Let me say one thing first though: I cannot meet my grandparents. They're alive all right, but my grandfather has Parkinson's and my grandmother might be developing dementia. The shock of finding out they have a grandson they've never known might be too much or them. My two uncles discussed the matter and figured they could not have my grandfather having a heart attack. I don't even know where they stand on the idea of introducing me to my other two uncles or my other cousins. I told my uncle whom I already met to let his kids know they can contact me, but they're the ones that suggested that he not meet me in the first place.
What happens from here on out is entirely up to them. My mother never sought child support, so I've not received one penny from my father, nor any help from any of my relatives. Believe me, there were times that I thought about dragging him into court. When I was 16, and my mother and I were sleeping in a car in a Dunkin' Donuts parking lot, and a man came by to try and jimmy the door to see if he could steal a few dollars off of us, I felt I had every reason to demand my father cough up something. His name is on my birth certificate and there was a blood test, so he really has nothing he can say. However, I decided against it. I felt that if the first time I met him was in front of a judge, then any chance that we'd have a relationship would go up in smoke. Maybe you agree with this decision or maybe you think I'm fantastically high minded; the decision has been made and I felt it was one that suited me and the person I am. It's part pride and part naivete.
To be honest, the entire situation is awful. It's really wrong from a moral standpoint and rather upsetting to both the uncles I've talked to. They don't know whether or not they're going to let my father know that they've talked to me. I have no idea what my cousins will do. The older ones I can maybe talk to, but the younger ones are probably a no go. They might meet my grandparents and blurt out something they shouldn't. My uncle met with my mother; in fact, he insisted on it. He talked to my mother for a bit, and they had a nice conversation. It was a way of saying, "This really could have worked out. There really was no problem." When my uncle left, I stuck out my hand to shake his hand. We did, and he looked me in the eye with this devilish look in his eye, and went to hug me.
Nothing of what is about to happen is at all my fault.
8:19 PM PT: Update!!! I just got off the phone with my second uncle. He's extremely nice and was really great to talk to. The thing is, we're both kind of sad we couldn't have had a relationship earlier, and it would have been better that way. Now that I'm an adult, it just sort of feels like the relationship building era of life is over, you know?
Mon Jan 16, 2012 at 12:40 PM PT: Wow, yet another update. Life is changing fast. It seems, I might meet some more cousins and uncles over the phone. I didn't really mean to back my uncles into a corner, but they said that they couldn't keep a secret like this from their brothers for too long. The first uncle I met knew for a decade or so, but my existence came out the clear blue sky for the rest of them. We'll see how this goes, cross your fingers.