GUS (Gave Up Smoking) is a community support diary for Kossacks in the midst of quitting smoking. Any supportive comments, suggestions or positive distractions are appreciated. If you are quitting or thinking of quitting (or want to support quitters), please - join us! We kindly ask that politics be left out.
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After what was probably close to a decade of false starts and half-hearted attempts at quitting, I finally decided to stop smoking on a whim one day. The idea was floated ("...we should just quit.") and for whatever reason, that was that: I finished the pack I'd opened and once it was empty, I was done.
Well, sorta done. I was done with the actual smoking part, anyway.
If only that had been the end of it, I'd have been golden.
You'd think that with all the years I'd been contemplating a quit, I'd have done more research on the nitty gritty of the quitting experience. Sure, I'd read up on the benefits (of which there are many), but I'd apparently been less interested in exploring the...well, the downright weirdness of the quitting experience.
Perhaps it was a case of "what I don't know won't hurt me" (ha!) or maybe I felt that absorbing nothing but the basic medical details and lifestyle benefits would somehow allow me to retain some level of safe, clinical detachment, but whatever it was, I had always just stuck to the facts and -- vague generalizations aside -- never went out of my way to find out what quitting actually, y'know, felt like.
See, ending an addiction to nicotine is usually uncomfortable, and often very unpleasant for a whole host of reasons, and the information out there kind of lets you know that up front. Even if we haven't done our homework, most of us have encountered at least a few people who've quit, so we sort of know things won't be business as usual. But the available literature is pretty scanty when it comes to letting the new quitter know one very important thing: You will most likely feel weird. As in off-kilter. Not quite yourself. Odd.
I don't know what I was expecting, to be honest. I remember thinking I'd probably be a little anxious and short-tempered, because that's the popular perception of how people who are quitting smoking act. I had the vague sense that I'd probably be a little twitchy and maybe snack a bit more than usual. Again, that's part of the general perception of what happens when you quit.
And since I fooled myself into thinking that all of this would happen only during the small window where I was detoxing from the nicotine (in other words, the first three days of Cold Turkey), I figured the best thing to do was to hole up by myself and not tell anyone what I was doing, so nobody else would have to witness my craziness and I wouldn't have to make any explanations to them.
A flawless, foolproof plan, I'm sure you'll agree.
Okay, you can stop laughing at me now.
Yeah, I know, I know, I was both wildly optimistic and incredibly naive about the whole process of quitting. In a way, that may have actually been a good thing. With my tendency to over-think things, I might've put it off -- AGAIN -- if I'd known that things were about to get really weird.
The first day was pretty awful, but also pretty much as expected. I paced my apartment, trying to figure out what to do with my hands, fighting overwhelming fatigue, and randomly hungry (was I? I had no idea. I knew I wanted something but that something-that-could-not-be-named was off-limits, so food was the next best thing...). I was also edgy, weirdly angry at nothing in particular, and incredibly distracted.
I'd had no idea about the disrupted sleep patterns, the strange dreams, the way I'd be energized one minute and awash in exhaustion the next. A pretty even-keeled, analytical person on a good day, I was not at all used to dealing with the emotional roller-coaster I was suddenly riding, up one minute and down the next. I cried off and on, realizing only long after the fact that I was mourning the loss of a relationship I'd had with this substance for nearly my whole adult life.
In short, I was a mess.
I hadn't been prepared for the unbelievably persistent thought patterns of addiction denied: at times, wanting to smoke and reminding myself that it wasn't an option any more was literally all I could think of: smokeNOsmokeNOsmokeNOsmokeNOsmokeNOsmokeNO
smokeNOsmokeNOsmokeNOsmokeNOsmokeNO NO NO!!
I hadn't been prepared for the occasional bout of dizziness as my brain adjusted to getting a normal supply of oxygen...or the disturbing sensation of not being able to think or react at my usual speed. Unaware that my neurons actually were firing more slowly in the absence of the load of nicotine they were used to helping the process along (and causing me to [temporarily] think slower) I got frustrated with myself, feeling the way I had in the wake of a bad concussion years before. Basically, I didn't feel at all like myself, and that alone was was scary and frustrating.
And then, because I hadn't really planned this out very well, I had to go back to work on the dreaded Day Three, only to find out that my then-boss (and would-be quit buddy) had bailed on the effort and that I was on my own.
If I'd been edgy and stressed out and not feeling quite myself before, now I was all of those things with a heaping helping of F*ck You! on top. I hated everyone, from teh Evil Boss all the way down to the kindly METRO bus driver who hadn't even looked at me funny. I wasn't at all sure I was going to be able to learn to live this way, not really grasping yet that it wasn't GOING to be this way for very long. I didn't know what had come over me, but whatever it was, I didn't like it.
I recall having the almost irresistible impulse to hide away and not have to deal with people, ever, and also recognizing that doing so would probably lead me right back to the smokes. I fought my usual impulse to isolate myself in times of great stress because I somehow sensed that I would only succeed in this effort if I learned how to navigate my REAL life -- not the simplified, people-and-challenge-free, holed-up-by-myself version of it -- without smoking.
And I'm not going to lie, wasn't easy for me, even with my determination to make the quit stick. I had a really rough first few weeks, and a slightly less rough few months after that. And slowly, almost imperceptibly, things got better, easier, less...weird.
In retrospect, I really wish I'd connected with a self-help support group. GUS didn't exist yet, but there are other ones out there on the interwebs. For whatever reason, I'd decided to go it alone, but I can't help but think how much better -- and easier! -- those early days would have been if I'd had, for example, one of the funniest freak-out GUS diaries ever to read. If I'd been able to ask someone else who'd been through it if the weirdness du jour I was dealing with was...I dunno, normal, at least under the circumstances, or that the way I was feeling was going to improve.
Fortunately for you all, there IS a community right here at Daily Kos to help you get through the stressful and downright weird aspects of your own quit. You may not be able to figure out what's come over you, but I have a feeling a lot of us have a pretty good idea.
Who's your buddy?
1BQ, 3rdGenFeminist, Abra Crabcakeya, Actbriniel, addisnana, AfroPonix, aishmael, Alise, Alpha99, A Man Called Gloom, ambeeeant, American in Kathmandu, amk for obama, andsarahtoo, angry marmot, Anne933, anodnhajo, aoeu, aquarius2001, arcadesproject, Archie2227, arodb, Arthur Wolf (in memoriam), assyrian64, awkawk, b4uknowit, bamablue, BARAKABETH, barnowl, b barrie, bdizz, beatpanda, BFSkinner, bgblcklab1, BigAlinWashSt, Bike Crash, BirderWitch, BJKay, bleeding heart, blingbling65, blue husky, Blue Intrigue, BluejayRN, BlueJessamine, bluestatedem84, BoiseBlue, Brahman Colorado, breedlovinit, BrenP, BrowniesAreGood, bsmechanic, buddabelly, burrow owl, BusyinCa, Carol in San Antonio, CathiefromCanada, CathodeRay, CDH in Brooklyn, cee4, Cen Den, ChiTownDenny, ChocolateChris, ChurchofBruce, ciganka, cinnamondog, citizenx, Cleante, Code Monkey, codobus, Coldblue Steele, Colorado is the Shiznit, coloradomomma, commonmass, Common Sense Mainer, congenitalefty, coppercelt, dadanation, dangoch, DarienComp, Dauber, Dauphin, Dave in AZ, demkat620, Dexter, Diana in NoVa, Dickie, DiegoUK, Dingodude, dirtdude, distraught, djMikulec, dolfin66, donnamarie, Donna O, dotsright, DRo, droogie6655321, Dube, duckhunter, Eclectablog, Eddie C, EdgedInBlue, effervescent, elbamash, El barragas, el vasco, ericlewis0, Everest42, Ex Con, ezdidit, fhamme, Fineena, fiona2, fishhawk, Flea, FlipperWaves, flumptytail, fritzi56, FrugalGranny, Garrett, Gator, gchaucer2, GDbot, Geiiga, GenXangster, Georgianna Darcy, glpaul, GN1927, gooderservice, gooners, gravlax, greylox, grndrush, GrumpyWarriorPoet, gzodik, Haole in Hawaii, HappyinNM, henlesloop, HeyMikey, hideinplainsight, High Tide, hiliner68, hold tight, hulibow, I love OCD, Im a frayed knot, imisa, Indexer, indubitably, indyada, Interceptor7, inventor, I said GOOD DAY sir, itsbenj, Jahiz, JamesEB, janl1776, Janeo, JayinPortland, jayjaybear, jbou, Jeffersonian Democrat, jmadlc55, jmonch, Joe's Steven aka Steven, john07801, johngoes, jsfox, JVolvo's Mom, jwinIL14, kai99, kailuacaton, Kamakhya, kat herder, Kelly of PA, kestrel9000, khloemi, Khun David, Kitsap River, kittania, Kodiak54, Kristina40, Ksholl, labwitchy, Lady Kestrel, ladypockt, Lahdee, langerdang, LarsThorwald, LA rupert, last starfighter, LaughingPlanet, Laurie Gator, Lipstick Liberal, litoralis, lmdonovan, lockewasright, Lonely Texan, longislandny, luvsathoroughbred, maggiemay, magicsister, mango, Marc in KS, marknspokane, maryabein, Matt Esler, mdemploi, Meteor Blades, Micburke, michael1104, MillieNeon, Minerva1157, MinervainNH, Missys Brother, mjbleo, MnRaindog, mntleo2, Morague, Mr Bojangles, mrsgoo, mskitty, msmacgyver, MsWings, Murphoney, nannyboz, ncsuLAN, NearlyNormal, Nedsdag, Nick Zouroudis, notgivingup, NY brit expat, one pissed off democrat, operculum, OrangeMike, Ordvefa, Overseas, OverTheEdge, pager, paige, PaintyKat, paradox, parryander, paulitics, Pennsylvanian, phrogge prince, Positronicus, post rational, Proud Mom and Grandma, psycho liberal, ptolemynm, Purple Priestess, PvtJarHead, racheltracks, randallt, real world chick, red mittens, Reepicheep, regis, relentless, revelwoodie, revsue, Rex Manning, rexymeteorite, RiaD, rickeagle, ridemybike, rightiswrong, rincewind, rkex, roadlion, Roger Fox, Rosebuddear, roses, rscopes, Rudini, Safina, SallyCat, Sanuk, Sark Svemes, sboucher, scooter in brooklyn, Scrapyard Ape, seenaymah, sfbob, sgary, Shahryar, sheddhead, shesaid, Shifty18, shmuelman, shopkeeper, sidious666, slowbutsure, smartcookienyc, smeesq, snoopydawg, snorwich, SnyperKitty, SoCalHobbit, sofia, soonergrunt, sostos, sowsearsoup, SpecialKinFlag, spmozart, spotDawa, SpotTheCat, StateofGrace, Statusquomustgo, stiffneck, sunbro, Super Grover, Syoho, tallmom, Tay, tdslf1, teknospaz, theatre goon, The Eyewitness Muse, TheGeneral, TheStoopingRabbit, TigerMom, tiredofcrap, TomP, tonyahky, Toyotabob7, Treefrog, triciawyse, trs, trueblueliberal, ttanner, Tulsonian, Turn VABlue, Turtle Bay, Tyto Alba, uc booker, UncleCharlie, Unduna, Unforgiven, ursoklevar, USArmyParatrooper, VA02 femocrat, Vacationland, valadon, Vayle, Vetwife, vgranucci, waytac, webranding, weelzup, Wes Opinion, Whimsical Rapscallion, willy be frantic, willy mugobeer, Wood Dragon, wolfie1818, Wordsinthewind, Wreck Smurfy, x, xopher, yet another liberal, Zotz
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