ONE MAN’S JOURNEY FOR PEACE OF MIND AND RECOVERY!
I have not written in a while, it is so hard to find time to write on moving planet! Days quickly become weeks, and weeks months! I am attending the Fort Miley VAMC in San Francisco’s PRRC Program. Back in December I sought help from the VAMC for some issues that were effecting my quality of life. I am a 100% Service Connected Disabled Veteran, and recently I have started have really violent and vivid nightmares, as well as losing track of time, and a couple of seizures. I have a laundry list of diagnosis codes, physical and psychological, but that tells very little of the story!
Labeling someone with a diagnosis code is easy, trying to help the person with the symptoms, tat is the tricky part, and for me, it is all about quality of life a this point. Some bells can not be un-rung, I know that, but I do really truly believe that I deserve a good nights sleep and don’t need to be haunted day and night in my waking and sleeping ours by the events of my life.
I live a very conscience life. I read a lot of spiritual and self help books, (I am current;ly having love affair with “JUST ONE MORE THING” by Rick Hanson (http://www.amazon.com/...), best Crack for the Mind I have ever read! And I highly recommend “GET A LIFE THAT DOESN’T SUCK” by Michelle DeAngelis, and of course “WHERE EVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE “ by John Kabat-Zinn and BE HERE NOW changed me in ways I can not tell you!)
I also have read a lot of Joyce Meyers, who I love Marianne Williamson and ‘THE GIFT OF CHANGE was a book that I have read several times and LOVE. I believe I have read all of Ms. Williamson’s work and have all here CDS too, yes I have studied too. Reading such things as THE BRAIN THAT CHANGED ITSELF by Norman Doidge.
And after being greatly effected by several readings of THE FOUR AGREEMENT by Don Miguel Ruiz, I have just started reading THE FIFTH AGREEMENT, and am getting a lot out of it. But now of this has helped with the nightmares, or the flashbacks, or the loneliness of missing people that are no longer here. None of this has helped cope with all the changes that have taken place in the community after being away from the area for a year. The sense of loss at my favorite coffee shop that is long gone, or my favorite “GIN JOINT” That now have brown paper over the windows, or the friends that have moved away or are just “gone”.
Nope God has not seen fit to reach out his miraculous hand and ”fix” me, for all my want and trying, I don’t seem to be able to “fix” me either. I can’t control the anxiety attacks or the Panic Attacks, as much as I meditate and go for long soothing walks, there seems there are some places in side me that just can’t be soothed. For all my reading, and listening, adventuring and seeking, the answer seems to be elusive. How do I make it stop, how do I just make it all go away! What is the price of a decent nights sleep, without waking repeatedly in cold sweats by nightmares? Will I ever be able to just go through a day without a panic attack or anxiety? Will I ever be comfortable in crowds again, and enjoy the simple things I used to get so much pleasure from? This morning I watched the sunrise, it was calm, and I was at peace ... when like a blanket falling on me I suddenly felt an "impending doom" something terrible was about to happen. After some time I was able to calm myself down, and continue to take pictures of the sunrise, and not get up and run away, but why ... why is my brain doing this to me!
So in utter desperation, and because the now FEAR of sleep was causing me quality of life issues I turned to the VAMC for help. There must be something that they could do, right? I can’t be the only one that is dealing with this crap!
I first had an in take with a wonderful young Fellow out of the Psychiatry Department, and he said that they had a few things that might help. First he recommended their PRRC PROGRAM, which I have been attending since December. It is a day program made up of 45 minute classes, and some of these have been very helpful. I am working on a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) AS Described in the book WELLNESS RECOVERY ACTION PLAN FOR VETERANS AND PEOPLE IN THE MILITARY by Mary Ellen Copeland and am definitely finding that useful, and highly recommend the book to EVERYONE! I have also been getting a lot out of the classes on COPING THRU THE SENSE, which try to teach skill that help one tolerate distress, and create a refuge from the stimulation of daily life by using sensory toolkits.
Yes, the PRRC HAS BEEN helpful, but I am still having the night mares, and toolkits that help tolerate the distress of life is not exactly what I was hoping for, which is HOW DO I GET A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP AD KEEP THE SHADOW CREATURES AT BAY! Yeah, I like the Mind over Mood class, and CBT Is useful, but it doesn’t do much to help with a nightmare, sure it allows you to reframe the nighmare once you wake-up, quickens calming down after the nightmare, and helps make getting back to sleep after the nightmare faster, BUT I CAN TELL YOU CBT DOES NOTHING TO KEEP THE NIGHTMARE AT BAY!
During the intake the Fellow also told me that they had a new study for a Nightmare Protocol, and the fellow thought I might get something out of taking part in that study. He made a referral over the Psychiatrist that was doing the study, and I have seen him twice. I can say that we got off to a rocky start. I don’t like doctors, and I don’t really respect them either. The first thing this one did was demand that I take a urinalysis to ENSURE that I was sober! I can assure you that the test came back negative! But the whole notion of having to be “sober” to get care pissed me off, I know a lot of veterans that are far from sober, they smoke Pot, and drink to cope with their demons, and if their urinalysis comes back positive, they don’t get treatment for their nightmares? What kind of bullshit is that? It still pisses me off that the first test ordered was a urinalysis!
As is the case with all the Psychiatrists I have ever seen this one decided to prescribe pills to help with the nightmares. He prescribed me Trazodone, which does knock me out really fast, but in like 3 hours after taking it I still am sitting up in bed in a cold sweat, and scared to death after having a bad nightmare, so in my book Trazodone is a BIG, FAT FAIL when it comes to getting a good nights sleep. I can honestly say that having now been on Trazadone for to weeks I am even more tired and irritable than before I took it! The Psychiatrist also started me on Prazosin, which I have also been taking now for about 2 weeks, I am not sure how long it is supposed to take before it takes effect, but nothing to report yet!
And what of this “fabulous” Nightmare Protocol that was being touted. This study that was my solution in a box? Who knows!? As is so typical with the VAMC THE Fellow that I was seeing and touted the Dream Protocol is gone for the whole month of January of on other “studies” and ooking for other fellowships! There doesn’t seem to be anyone else in the know or able to fill this fellows shoes. SO while he is gone I am “just in limbo”, no referral to another Fellow, just “next appointment will be in February. In fairness he did tell me he was going to be “interviewing” for other Fellowships all of January, (which of course means he is LEAVING!), and gave me his supervisor’s number should anything “COME UP”, well something DID come-up, my grandmother is ailing, and I am having issues with dealing with the VA and Social Security and left a couple of messages for the “supervisor” to see if there is someone else I could talk to, and guess what, NO CALK BACK! GUESS These VAMC Psychology Supervisors are to busy with their fellows to actually call a patient back.
But being a survivor, and one that realizes that one MUST advocate for their own care, I have reached out to some community programs for support and help. Ally Health Project here in the city offers Time Delimited Counseling, (I did an intact but there is a WAITING LIST!), and Support Groups. Unfortunately for me, my Medicare Part B is messed up, due to some “COMPUTER Error”, (YES, the Social Security Administration sent me a letter blaming their terminating my Medicare Part B on a computer error, and at this time are still unable to REPAIR IT! BUT they are working on it!)
For some reason there are not that many places to get Psychiatric Care in San Francisco. I am qualified for and have Medi-cal, and I called some 76 Psychiatrists yesterday listed on the Medi-cal Website to try and get private care, ad NONE OF THEM WERE taking new patients. I feel as though I have called the Suicide Prevention Hotline just to be placed on HOLD!
So, I guess I keep taking the pills tht don’t seem t be helping, and bide my time till the miraculous Fellow with the answer comes back in February to tell me more about ths Nightmare Protocol, to which only he seems privy! And I just continue to cat nap the night away with the light on, that seems to help with the Shadow Creatures at least. And learn the Band-Aid techniques of the PRRC, while waiting for the community programs to become available.
I can TRULY ASSURE YOU There is something very wrong with our mental health system, if this is the best that we can do!
Sign me,
Just want a good night’s peaceful sleep!
1:30 PM PT: Well I attended the PRRC this morning, and after have been hitting the phones calling community based group that offer Mental Health Services. I have talked to some 27 organizations now, and NONE OF THEM are taking new patients. Only 3 of them have waiting lists, the other say "THE WAITING LIST IS CLOSED". Other community organizations that used to have programs that used to have programs that might have been helpful no longer have those program due to "budget cuts". One Highly Recommended counseling center doesn't even exist in the city any more. I have contacted a couple of Sleep Disorder places in the city and unfortunately they are private and don't take insurance, and the cost is WAY out of the realm of possibility for me. I am going to buy a lottery ticket today jut to hold open a "possibility" of going there.
When did Mental Illness become such an unimportant Social Service, and when did we stop caring about people, when did we as a Society Decide that some people just weren't helping?
Where have I been that I didn't see what had been taken away fro us, all the services and safety nets that used to be in place to get people through their Crisis-es and back to being productive members of society just seem to have vanished. The Crisis Center I used to volunteer at a couple of years back, GONE.
When did people stop mattering? That is what I would like to know!