From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
This Late Night Snark is Still in the Race:
"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags."
---Stephen Colbert
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"Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually-challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again."
---Jay Leno
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"When Mitt Romney says, ‘The buck stops here,’ he means literally: 'I have your money. Fuck you.'"
---Bill Maher
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"According to lawyers that have contacted us, [SOPA] doesn’t shut down your web site and remove it from the internet. It just makes it so that people can not in any way access the web site. So it's sorta like coming up with a plan to prevent teen pregnancy that includes filling penises with cement."
---Jon Stewart
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"I may not be some TV blowhard, but I do speak for the common man, who does his lousy job, goes to church twice a year and watches women's tennis 'cause he likes to hear 'em grunt…those real people out there who buy their coffee from the mini-mart and grab enough sugar packs for a week! Honest, hard-working, sugar-stealing Americans!"
---Homer Simpson, on Head Butt with Nash Castor
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I can't believe you're 90 years old. In fact, I don't believe it. That's why I'm writing to ask if you will be willing to produce a copy of your long form birth certificate. Thanks, and Happy Birthday, no matter how old you are.
---Letter from President Obama to Betty White on her 90th birthday
And one year ago:
"The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they’ll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing."
---Conan O'Brien
C'mon down and say hi. We're all huddling together for bodily warmth. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 20, 2012
Note: Attention, San Diego! I've been informed that you're having a Kossack meetup tonight starting at 8 at the Whistle Stop Bar in South Park. Please drink responsibly, and pinkies up!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til John Roberts is next scheduled to mess up the presidential oath of office: 366
Days `til the Enumclaw Wine and Chocolate Festival in Washington: 14
Amount Mitt Romney received in speaking fees between Feb. 2010 and Feb. 2011: $374,327
Percent chance that Romney said in public that the above amount is "not very much": 100%
Percent of California residents who were born in the state, according to the last census: 53%
Number of previous decades on record during which a majority of California residents were native-born: 0
(Source: Harper's Index)
Year during which Ben Franklin became the first Postmaster General: 1775
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Puppy Pic of the Day: BFFs 4Evuh
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CHEERS to 1,095 days at the helm. Today marks three years since our intimate little gathering in Washington, D.C. to inaugurate Barack Obama as our 44th president. Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed the Oath and, for 24 hours, the Executive Branch and our military were led---with admirable dexterity, I might add---by Aretha Franklin's hat. Three years and three thousand Republican filibusters later, POTUS is a little grayer, a little wiser, back in tune with the base and rarin' for a re-election fight. Watching the Republicans circling the drain in a whirlpool of crazy (yes, I'm writing this in the bathtub), my prediction still stands: Obama wins in a landslide. As does my other prediction: pissed off neighbors when I dump three tons of confetti off the roof.
CHEERS to stopping a runaway freight train in its tracks. Looks like Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid got the message:
"In light of recent events, I have decided to postpone Tuesday’s vote on the PROTECT I.P. Act. There is no reason that the legitimate issues raised by many about this bill cannot be resolved. … I encourage [Sen. Leahy] to continue engaging with all stakeholders to forge a balance between protecting Americans’ intellectual property, and maintaining openness and innovation on the internet."
That's slightly different from his first draft, which he scribbled on a napkin Wednesday during the blackout: "No I Can Haz Cheezburger??? Me Surrenderz!!!!
JEERS to the fearsome foursome. The Charleston stage looked mighty bare last night for the 875th Republican debate. With Rick Perry having taken himself out of the race just hours earlier (yeah, I'll miss him), it was up to Father Rick Coughlin, Newt Freelove, Libertarian Gepetto and Cornelius Vanderbilt to provide two hours of carefully-rehearsed umbrage, outrage, flag-wrapping and flim-flammery. They inflicted a lot of damage. It was awful. It was ugly. But I'm happy to report that this afternoon doctors removed the last bits of shrapnel from moderator John King's tuckus. And because God has cursed America on account of our tolerance for gays, feminists, pagans and Kardashians, the next debate will be foisted on us Monday (8pm-NBC) in Tampa. Or, as it'll be known that night: hell on earth.
CHEERS to a quiet little verdict that people hardly ever mention anymore. Roe v. Wade turns 39 Sunday. Pro-choice advocates will mark the occasion with events to remind Americans that women should be in control of their own bodies. Anti-choice advocates will mark the occasion by reminding Americans that blastocysts are people too, with full rights including voting and marriage (as long as they're not gay). And the five conservative justices on the Supreme Court will mark the occasion by licking their chops. (Stare decisis is sooooo yesteryear.)
CHEERS to a healthy drop. Here's something that kinda got lost amid all the GOP hullabaloo. One of my Thursday rituals is to check in with Atrios at the Eschaton blog and get his take on the number of "lucky duckies" filing for unemployment claims. Week after week after week, for years on end, his verdicts have run the gamut from "Terrible" to "Awful" to "Horrible." Occasionally he throws us a bone with something like, "slightly less terrible." So it was damn good day yesterday when he saw the number (352k) and crowed, "That's actually good news.". Or, as Republicans would say: "That's actually bad news."
CHEERS to thanksgiving---the state of mind, not the holiday. As in, thank goodness it was a Democrat---FDR---taking the oath of office for an unprecedented 4th time on this date in 1945. We're sorry he had to be the one to find out that three terms is enough to kill a man. But thanks for winning a war worth fighting. And Social Security. Meanwhile, 51 years ago today, JFK gave his one and only inaugural address, during which he said: "Ask not what your country can do for you---ask what you can do for your country." Today I baked brownies!
JEERS to big-headed jerks doing big-headed jerky things. On Sunday's date 15 years ago, we all had a good schadenfreudalistic guffaw as House Speaker Newt Gingrich was reprimanded and fined by members of both parties for violating House rules and misleading congressional investigators looking into his possible misuse of tax-exempt donations for political purposes. For the first time ever, the House voted (395-28) to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct. It was a sad day for America, knowing that a politician had acted irresponsibly. Thankfully, it never happened again.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Busy weekend for the teevee. Tonight on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher hangs out with the last sane Michigan governor, Jennifer Granholm, plus Sen. Bernie Sanders, Bill Moyers, Matt Lewis of The Daily Caller and former Louisiana Gov. Buddy Roemer. Tomorrow there's sunup-to-sundown coverage of the South Carolina primary. (SPOILER ALERT: Blah blah blah, y'all.) New DVD releases include the George Clooney political thriller The Ides of March, Taylor Lautner's abs in Abduction and the Oscar-winning Traffic on Blu-Ray. (Full list here.) The next-to-last NFL games take place: the Patriots will "pluck" the Ravens and the Giants face the 49ers. 60 Minutes goes Into the Wild with Jane Goodall, wildebeests and talking (sort of) elephants.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. Please try to contain your excitement:
Up! With Chris Hayes: Okay, okay…you can get a little excited ("Up" as it were, ha ha ha) because this show really cooks. Ezra Klein, Gary Johnson, Melissa Harris Perry, David Kay Johnston, WI state Sen. Lena Taylor and Newsweek's Michelle Goldberg are on tomorrow. Eliot Spitzer will be on along with half a dozen other worthy and smart people Sunday.
Meet the Press: Gov. Chris "You Gonna Eat That Drumstick?" Christie on Mitt Romney's muskiness; South Carolina fallout with Mike Murphy, Joe Scarborough, Chuck Todd and Katty Kay.
This Week: Rick Santorum; South Carolina fallout with Matthew Dowd, George Will, Katrina vanden Heuvel and Ron Brownstein.
Face the Nation Fluff the Republicans: South Carolina fallout with Sen. Lindsay Graham and former Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour; roundtable with John Dickerson, Joe Klein and Kelly Evans.
Washington Week: Oh joy. More South Carolina talk. Jeff Zeleny of The New York Times, Karen Tumulty of The Washington Post, Charles Babington of The Associated Press, and Sam Youngman of Reuters.
CNN's State of the Union: South Carolina fallout with Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-SC); Rick Santorum on stealing Romney's mojo in Iowa.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Romney Something-or-other Stuart Stevens; John Boehner talks about all the jobs he hasn’t created since promising "jobs jobs jobs" when he became Speaker a year ago; roundtable with Liz Cheney, Karl Rove, Joe Trippi, and Liz Marlantes; all wrapped lovingly around commercials from Big Oil and Big Pharma.
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: January 20, 2007
JEERS to dangerous minds. Alberto Gonzales went in front of the Senate Judiciary committee Wednesday and---with a straight face---suggested that the writ of habeas corpus (which guarantees that people can't be jailed indefinitely without hearing the charges against them in a courtroom) isn’t guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution. When asked what was guaranteed, the boy Attorney General responded: "guns and government cheese."
JEERS to Rick Santorum. The former senator says Bush's plan for Iraq is downright Lincolnesque. Which answers the question: "Guess why Rick Santorum is a former senator?"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Molly of Wonka Moore, daughter of Brownie Bear Cierra and Rick's Chocolate Rocky. C&J's stubborn, shedding and slobbery sweetie beast turns 11 tomorrow. If you think about the difference between Dog years and human years, it gets pretty freaky. When Molly was born I was 37 years older than she was. Today, biologically speaking, she's 20 years older than I am. Such is the cruel reality of owning a dog, and her years are showing---teeth worn down from her tennis ball obsession, patches of white around her muzzle and belly and paws. Her hind legs don’t support her 78 pounds as well as they used to, so we have to be ready to catch her if she stumbles on the stairs. And lumps---"lab lumps" they're called, and harmless, says the vet---make her feel more and more like a sack of marbles.
She's holding up well, though. Really well. She still loves doin' all the doggie things that doggies do, especially eating (her food and the cat's), winning tog-o-war matches with her rope (which also turns 11 this year, I think), and hoggin' not just the covers but the entire bed. She's also met a gaggle of Kossacks over the years, and finds you all quite lick-worthy.
In 1870, nine years before he became a U.S. Senator, attorney George Vest (D-MO) defended a farmer whose hunting dog, "Old Drum," had allegedly been killed by a neighbor. This was part of his summation:
Gentlemen of the jury, a man's dog stands by him in prosperity and in poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near his master's side.
He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer. He will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince. When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wings and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.
If fortune drives the master forth an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him to guard against danger, to fight against his enemies, and when the last scene of all comes and death takes the master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by his graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even to death."
He won the case. Happy Birthday, noble beast.
Have a great weekend. Share some laughter. But not the creepy kind. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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