From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Missing Molly
Five years ago today America lost Molly Ivins. She was 62. Effing cancer got her, but she was full of fight right to the end. To progressives, Molly's words were like Red Bull for the soul. In their must-read biography, Molly Ivins: A Rebel Life, Bill Minutaglio and W. Michael Smith describe her as...
…the wisecracking social commentator who gleefully teed up on anyone whose boot heels clicked across the marble floors in the House of Power. Her column and her books were always anchored by a photo of her wide-open, inviting face---and she always seemed on the verge of a booming laugh.
I think Molly would be having more fun with the 2012 GOP primary season than is legally allowed. Especially…oh, god, especially the rise of Newt Gingrich. She had him so pegged…
November, 1994: Newt Gingrich has already achieved the improbable effect of making Bob Dole seem cuddly. … When Gingrich started muttering about putting millions of children in orphanages to be raised by a government that he believes can't do anything right, some of my compatriots here on what passes for the left were chilled to the bone.
May, 1996: Nincompoopery has never been a bar to high office in our nation. Newt Gingrich's sole claim to serious consideration is that he's great copy. He has no ideas, no principles, no integrity, and by and large, he's a damn fool.
She'd be just as surprised as any of us that he was actually in another political race, let alone the BIG one:
September, 1999: Gingrich seems to be a spent cartridge as a politician. All that speculation about whether he would run for president is long gone---no more Time magazine Man of the Year, no more "defender of civilization" or lectures on how liberal policies cause moral decay in America. […]
This is the man who promised that Republican leadership would "improve the moral climate of the country." So this presents us with an epochal moment in the history of hypocrisy. As Gingrich led the Republicans in full hue and cry concerning the moral sleaze, the sordid tawdriness, the unbearable, brazen shameless conduct of Bill Clinton, he was having something more than a flingette himself. We could be looking at a new world record for being two-faced.
November, 2006, following the Democratic takeover of the House: Of all the viral members of the media who have been suggesting that the Dems cooperate with their political opponents, the one who rendered me almost unconscious with surprise was Newt Gingrich. […] Newt Gingrich, the man whose contribution to civility was to recommend that all Democrats be referred to with such words as cowards, traitors, commies, godless, liars and other such bipartisan-promoting terms.
Please, anyone but Newt.
As for the other 2012 contenders still in the race: Mitt Romney wasn't a big enough blip on her radar to write about before she died, and she used precious little ink on Rick Santorum. But here's her October, 1996 take on Ron Paul:
In the amazing 14th [District], Democrat Lefty Morris (his slogan is "Lefty is Right!") faces the Republican/Libertarian Ron Paul, who is himself so far right that he's sometimes left, as happens with your Libertarians. I think my favorite issue here is Paul's 1993 newsletter advising "Frightened Americans" on how to get their money out of the country. He advised that Peruvian citizenship could be purchased for a mere 25 grand. That we should all become Peruvians is one of the more innovative suggestions of this festive campaign season. But what will the Peruvians think of it?
Of course, she'da been all over Rick Perry like VO5 on, well, goodhair. And of Obama, (who I'm sure would've received plenty of both high-fives and facepalms), she said this in '04: "He’s the only Democrat with any 'Elvis’ to him.” Actually, as it turns out, Al Green. But close enough.
P.S. You can access Molly's columns from the 2000s here.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Note: The tea party has already picked a motto for our moon colony when it becomes our 51st state: "Don't Float On Me!"
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2012 general election: 280
Days `til the Chinese New Year Festival and Parade in San Francisco: 11
Amount by which smog-producing pollutants must be reduced by 2025 in California, as mandated by the state Air Resources Board Friday: 75%
Portion of new-car sales in 2025 that must be the zero-emissions kind, according to the board: 1-in-7
(Source: AP)
Surge in pizza sales on Super Bowl Sunday: 35%
Surge in antacid sales at 7-11 the day after: 20%
(Source: Time)
Number of Republican delegates up for grabs in today's Florida primary, out of a total of 2,286 total delegates nationwide: 50
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
What else would you expect from a Marxist who bathes in the warm glow of class envy and who detests the free market? This guy is a fraud, plain and simple.Just the sort of guy soccer mom suburbanite women adore, whispering sweet nothings in their gullioble ears.
---"bhskptc" in the Boston Herald comments section
All together now: 1…2…3… Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day (via Kossack Bill Evans at Mariposa): "Juno has become a literal shoulder for Lucas to lean on…"
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CHEERS to another jog around the snoozer track. It's CORONATION TIME! Everything is ON THE LINE today in South Carolina Florida!!! Whoever wins in South Carolina Florida wins ALL THE MARBLES! So the media will be fixated like a laser on South Carolina Florida tonight, and all expectations are that Mitt Romney---who is liked really really really a lot by Governor Nikki Haley Rick Scott---is going to TAKE IT ALL! That gives you an idea of just how CRITICAL the South Carolina Florida primary is! Remember: whoever wins in South Carolina Florida will DEFINITELY be the Republican nominee. Wow---that's a lot of pressure to put on South Carolina Florida, and I know you South Carolinians Floridians are up to the challenge! Try not to run into any palmetto trees 50-foot man-eating pythons or your primary will turn into a crymary. Ha ha ha! No, seriously.
JEERS to the forever caucus. Maine's Republican caucus has gotten some headlines lately, thanks to the various Ron Paul sightings in our state (footprints mostly, but also some scattered tufts of white hair). In case you're wondering how the GOP does things here to lock up its 24 delegates, behold the convolution:
Although Republican committees started caucusing in some Maine communities Saturday, including a half dozen in Penboscot County, it will be another few weeks before it is known whether Paul’s strategy pays off. Most Maine Republican committees, who face a March 20 deadline to caucus, are meeting between Feb. 4 and 11.
Fun fact: the final results are tallied by the master committee in a secret star chamber located 300 feet below the indoor trout pond at L.L. Bean. Certification is accompanied by the traditional "smoking of the moose antler velvet" and "burning of the earmuffs," followed by the traditional "arrival of the fire department" and "$1,500 fine." The Democratic caucus is March 11. We meet in a school and serve cookies.
CHEERS to safety nets. 72 years ago today, the first Social Security check was issued to Ida May Fuller for $22.54. Or, as the Republican leadership calls it, "$22.54 too much." Despite all the despicable fearmongering coming from the right that Social Security is "flat broke," Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR) reminds us via email….
Here’s the truth: Social Security is fully solvent, and will be through 2038. So why all the bluster? It’s a giveaway to Wall Street, plain and simple. Starting with Ida May Fuller in 1940, our nation has a proud history of rewarding a lifetime of hard work with the promise of financial security in one’s golden years. It’s been the most effective anti-poverty program in the history of the world.
Much obliged, FDR.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Tweeter "Creeper167," noting Newt Gingrich's plan to install a colony on the moon by the end of his second term, asks: Who's gonna clean the restrooms on the moon?
Children!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to the great uniter. On this date in 1928, Scotch tape was marketed for the first time by 3-M. It holds things together like a charm. But to shut up Rush Limbaugh only duct tape will do.
CHEERS to lettters from the gilded mailbag. Thought I'd share:
Dear Willard Mitt Romney,
We would like to compliment you on your latest debate performance. You're clearly a man of the one percent who is full of "capital ideas" with a keen eye on "the futures."
We were greatly relieved to hear you push all the right buttons: blind trust, Swiss bank account, Caymen islands accounts, Investment portfolios, Consultant fees, Trustees and, of course, "horn tooters." Your words are sailing through our souls like a diamond-encrusted croquet ball through a solid-gold wicket.
But perhaps you could speak a little more about stealth derivitives and exotic commodities, as well as doubling your commitment to building more electric fences around our gated communities to keep out the riffraff. If you're going to win, young man, you'll need to address the issues that really matter.
Best regards to you and your C-notes,
Thurston Howell, III (and Lovey)
P.S. We adapted your idea of strapping the dog to the roof of the Bentley. It worked better than we'd hoped, although we did pull over briefly at a rest stop when the butler developed a case of diarrhea and had to be hosed down. Good help is so hard to…etc. etc.
Gee, how could he lose?
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Five years ago in C&J: January 31, 2007
CHEERS to waking up a sleeping giant. Yesss... The Oversight and Investigations arm of the Armed Services Committee is being re-activated after twelve years in cold storage:
Chaired by Rep. Marty Meehan, D-Mass., the new subcommittee will delve into the details of Iraq-related reconstruction contracts, troop readiness, equipment priorities and Iraq war strategy---looking for waste, fraud and shortfalls that were essentially ignored after the panel was shuttered in 1995 by [Surprise!] the Republican congressional majority.
I hope Mrs. Meehan is ready for some long days and nights. This is gonna take awhile.
JEERS to the coming pop-up wars. After five years of allowing Windows XP to roll around the PC world's collective tongue like a fine wine---if by 'fine' you mean vinegarish---Microsoft introduced its new Vista (or as we say in Maine, "Vister") operating system this week. In honor of the occasion, we look fondly back at our favorite Microsoft memories. It seems like it was only yesterday. Actually, it $!#@%! was.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to clearing up the confusion. You may have heard that marriage-equality advocates in Maine will be asking voters in November if gay couples can legally obtain marriage licenses from City Hall. And, right on cue, up pop the carpetbagger happiness-crushers from the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) to announce that they're baaaack! Their attack is oh-so-predictable:
"Maine voters rejected gay marriage barely more than two years ago," National Organization for Marriage President Brian Brown said in a prepared statement. "What part of 'no' don't gay marriage advocates understand?"
Well, let's see. Legally-married gay couples are now living in California, Iowa, New York, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut and Washington, D.C. Gay marriage is coming to Washington state, Maryland and possibly New Jersey. Plus this: "A new CNN/Opinion Research survey…indicates that more than half of all Americans believe that marriages between gay or lesbian couples should be legally valid. … [I]t is the first time that a CNN poll has found majority support for same-sex marriage." And this: " President Obama has instructed the Justice Department to no longer defend the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA, the legal prohibition on federal recognition of same-sex marriages."
Forgive my intrusion into your delusion, NOM, but you're so lost in the past that you're not even asking the right question, which is: What part of "Yes" don’t you understand? Good lord willin' and the creek don’t rise, we'll find out in November.
Have a nice Tuesday. See you in February. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I'm confidant Bill in Portland Maine can contain a milk spill without the federal government looking over his shoulder."
---President Obama
1/24/12
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