Previously secret Republican technology from the military-linguistic complex was revealed last night to have created a new entity by grafting the ideology of Rick Santorum onto the hulking form of Williard Romney, creating:
ROMNATUS
ROMNATUS! Pissier than a thousand normal human men! Crazier than an mouthful of sea monkeys! More unpredictable than Herman Cain in a roomful of Michele Bachmanns! More fire in his belly than Chris Christie after eating Ron Paul!
ROMNATUS IS COMING FOR YOU!
Politically independent scientists have reverse-engineered the procedure by which mild-mannered Willard Romney appears to have been transformed into a bat guano gibbering version of Rick Santorum, whose only hope for election in November is to destroy video-recording and playback technology altogether!
Here's how scientists explain the creation of ...:
ROMNATUS!
Scientists had had no idea until last night that Republican Anagram Transformation Technology (RATT) had become so advanced -- or so fearsome. Explained scientific politics expert Lew Jedison:
Previously, we had only seen botched experiments with this beast-creating technology -- for example, the creation of the MARSNOUT that botched Iowa, the MNSOTAUR that botched South Carolina, and the MNTOSAUR that crashed and burned in Minnesota, Missouri, and Colorado. This ROMNATUS adaptation of Santorum that appeared last night took is all by surprise -- frankly, we spend much of the debate hiding under our desks. It was hideous -- but surprisingly life-like.
The problem for Republicans, political pundit Sok Soulitsam noted, is that having released the Romnatus, it may be impossible to transform it back to a mild-mannered Mitt.
"Attacking birth-control, wild immigration policies, fealty to banks -- this is one scary-looking life form, but it is unlikely that it can survive for long outside of the unusual and coddled environment of the Republican primary campaign. Put it out in the real political environment and it won't last more than a few minutes."
Soulitsam initially announced an initiative to get Democrats to vote for the ROMNATUS in the Michigan primary, code-named Operation Haitrily, but then realized that under the circumstances it was probably unnecessary.
Note: this report was compiled with the help of a field correspondent who wishes to remain nameless, but wants credit for impelling the author to remove the typo "analgrams."