Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good -Nina Simone
He's gone. Praise the universe, the controlling, ignorant, abusive bastard is gone forever.
Ding dong the witch is dead...
Free at last, free at last...
I lived with this mutherfucker for 7.5 years. He lured me in when I was weak and grieving over my beloved grandmother. When he got me into his web, he tried to eat me alive. He attacked my self-esteem, my value as a human being and he tried to break my spirit and make me his emotional punching bag.
He cheated on me and threatened me with eviction when I had nowhere to go. When I got fed up enough to charge out the door and sleep on the street, he hid all my bags, forcefully grabbed things from my hands that I was trying to leave with and physically restrained me until I gave up, exhausted and defeated. He had abandonment issues on top of everything else that was wrong with him. He was emotionally distant, emotionally immature and he was a terrible person to try and have an adult conversation with at a restaurant or anywhere. It was like trying to have a relationship with a 12 year old.
He didn't hit me but he relentlessly chased me down for days when I would leave and hide from him, trying to gather myself to run somewhere, anywhere. He was gonna find me at work. He was gonna restrain me again. He was gonna manipulate me with his tears and sadness and begging. I couldn't live with him and I couldn't leave and I had no money. Eventually I gave up, shut myself down and went into celibacy mode for five years, thinking it would convince him that I was really done with him. Nope. He just dragged it on, the intimacy between us deteriorating and withering on the vine. I was more depressed than I had ever been in my life, I was unemployed about half the time and I was sinking deeper until one day, I just couldn't stop crying no matter what I tried to do. I got the hell outta here, found a job anywhere, doing anything and slapped myself awake. I would climb back up the employment ladder to a somewhat livable wage and gtfo here asap.
I was almost there until he beat me to it, found another girlfriend and moved on. I couldn't have planned it better. His codependency hooks are out of me and lodged into someone else. Lucky girl. lol I'm keeping all the stuff in this house I want, Im staying IN the house and his dumbass is leaving.
Quentin Tarantino couldn't have written a better revenge story than this.
Yes, we had some happy times and some great adventures going on trips. We had secret banter, inside jokes and connections that we made based on our experiences together and the conversations we've had but this thing with us that we called a relationship was never meant to happen.
I don't go around giving people political assessment tests because it's weird. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna start. Basically, I can't be bothered with anyone who would be uncomfortable in the Black Kos series on Daily Kos. I can't be bothered with anyone who wouldn't fall into some category that would be fit for Daily Kos in general. Several progressives that I liked a lot were banned from this site. I'm not referring to them. I'm talking about the right wing trolls that come here with the "You libs..." bullshit and end up with bony mojo in less than two days.
And that's the kind of asshole he is. It started to become apparent to me when it was too late. I'm black and he's white. I started to notice the racial conversations turn ugly and break down almost as soon as they began. Is this guy serious? Does he really think he's gonna leave the radio on right wing talk shit while I'm in the shower, trying to be in a good mood? What did his fucking racist friend just say? I'm gonna fucking kick everbody's ass! What the fuck did this dumbass just say about unions? He IN a goddamn union! And this other idiot gets screwed over by his private employer all the time. Still talks shit about unions. WTF? I'm behind enemy lines. I'm surrounded by vampires. Do they know I'm black? Are they gonna turn on me and eat me? I wanna go home...
This shit on top of everything else...I eventually stopped pretending. I refused to be seen with him anymore at weddings gatherings, the neighborhood bars, anywhere. I no longer welcomed his friends up here because I never knew what they were gonna get around to talking about that was gonna piss me off.
I still wonder why I don't have ulcers or high blood pressure or something. Alcoholism? Nothing. I quit drinking years ago. He's still a drunk, hanging out at the bars every single night. Now his new girlfriend is a drunk, driving him around to bars because he finally got a DUI after getting away with drunk driving for over 20 years. His new girlfriend is usually drunk while she's driving him around. Two drunks with DUIs...we'll see how this goes. (snicker)
We agreed to share the dog so he comes to pick her up on weekends like any divorced parents would. lol I know what it's like to love a dog. We've loved her for almost 6 years. I'd never take her away from him but I'm sure he's comforted by the thought of being able to have a peak into my private life through coming to pick her up.
All he's gonna see is me glowing like the happiest girl in the whole USA. (wicked laughter)
I got this song here on repeat, I threw open the curtains and opened the windows and I'm stacking the rest of the crap he's got left to come pick up. Stacking it right by the door, alright. Good. Goddamn. Riddance.
It looked dark for a while, getting through that storm but I wasn't completely alone. A few people got me through it, listening to my rambling, reading my rants, offering advice, money and resources for help for women in domestic traps like the one I was in. It's a helluva inspiring thing to know that people are on your side. I don't believe the outcome would have been the same if I was really carrying it alone.
When I pull together the pieces of my life, I wonder if there would be some way to expand this network of support? It's something I would really consider doing. I was offered stuff that I couldn't take because my situation just happened to come together for me in the best possible way. For others, it's not so lucky. Just a thought.
Enjoy your Sunday, folks, because I'm sure as hell doing just that. There's no arguing, no resentment, no tension in the air, no sadness, the sun is shining, the spring is coming and...
Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
Take it away, Nina...