"She's having so much sex she can't afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex....A Georgetown coed told Nancy Pelosi's hearing that the women in her law school program are having so much sex they're going broke, so you and I should have to pay for their birth control....So Miss Fluke and the rest of you feminazis, here's the deal. If we are going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch." -- Rush Limbaugh, referring to his notion that a woman's insurance policy covering birth control pills somehow means money coming out of his, your, and/or my pocket.
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." -- Inigo Montoya
1. Therapy. Seriously? Now insurance has to cover something that just makes you feel good? We have to pay to make you happy? Sure. Let's have your policy cover a weekly appointment with a gorgeous masseuse while we're at it. Or strippers. Slutty strippers.
2. Dermatology. Apparently, there are doctors out there -- and I'm guessing that most of them attended coeducational universities -- who make a living by making people look cute. This is what America has come to. And we're supposed to pay for this.
3. Reconstructive surgery after a double mastectomy. No way. If we have to pay to take your breasts off and then put them back on again, we want something in return. I think you know where I'm going with this.
4. Viagra. Okay, let's see. This is a drug men take so they can have sex even when they don't feel like having sex. Because they want to have it when they don't want to. You know what we call men who want to get paid to have sex that they don't even feel like having? I think we all know what we call them. Wait. I'm not sure we do. Do we have something to call men like that? I'll try to think of a word. I spent most of my brilliance on "feminazis," but I'll see what I can come up with.
5. Vaccinations. Seriously. There are parents out there who want us to pay for their kids to have a shot. And it's a shot that gives them the disease the parents say they don't want their kids to get. Will someone please explain to me how this makes sense? Anyway, it's ridiculous. All the diseases we're supposedly vaccinating against aren't around anymore anyway.
6. Ultrasound pictures. So some women can't just go have their babies quietly, without bugging the rest of us about it. They want us to pay for a doctor to take pictures of the kid before it's even born. Like anybody wants to see that. But they want a baby picture to carry around in their wallet. They think it's cute or something. Fine. But why should we have to pay for it? Remember, who wants these pictures? Women who got pregnant. By having sex. So this is like asking us to pay for them to make babies. I feel like I've said this before, but if we're going to pay for that, I think we should get something back.
7. Marriage counseling. Look: if you hate each other so much, just get a divorce, already. Trust me on this one.