I mean, really, how dare women tell men when they're wrong? It's almost as though we're supposed to have minds of our own and our own experiences.
I speak, specifically about this diary:
I made a reference to abortion as being a "difficult choice" for the women I know who have had one, including my own mother in the context of empathizing and agreeing with and supporting the diarist's post. I got told, in so many words, that I was insufficiently feminist and it was suggested that I was repeating a right wing meme on this.
Which, apparently (even though the diarist provided no quotes or context), was about
this:
Why must "difficult choice" be emphasized? (70+ / 0-)
That just feeds the mentality on the right. For many women, the decision isn't difficult. It wasn't for me. I've been pregnant twice. The first time, I knew from the moment the test came back positive that I didn't want to have a baby. The second time, I knew I did. In neither case was my decision difficult, or agonizing, or the most important decision that I'd ever make.
I'm not lashing out at you... just this idea, that no decision a woman ever makes is more important or more intense than her choice upon learning she's pregnant.
I have to admit that I'm torn here. This is one of several situations in the past few days where I have been told, by men, that I should stop being mean to them about feminism where, the reality is, that I have refused to coddle them and have been willing to be direct when they're wrong about something.
Part of me doesn't want to post this because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but at the same time, that is exactly the problem: all this has me feeling like I should say something about how most men are awesome and no one should take this personally, but the fact that I feel like I should say that so as not to hurt anyone's feelings is the whole damned point of why I'm pissed off.
Feminist men, real feminist men, are not afraid of women and are not afraid of women who correct them. Feminist men, real feminist men, do not think they have the right to co-opt women's issues and women's language and claim it as their own.
Feminist men, genuine feminist men, do not feel a need to write big long diaries about mean nasty feminists who (as far as I can tell, very politely) tell them what things are like from a woman's perspective.
And true feminist men do not accuse women of tearing everything apart for daring to speak their minds.
And yes, I know this is going to hurt feelings. I honestly believe that men can handle a little criticism. I do not think so little of them that I will walk around eggshells on them, and I do not believe that they need to be coddled. Given some of the belittling, nasty and personal comments I saw in the post quoted that started this diary, I do not expect that this will be true for everybody.
And still, I have this urge to keep writing about how cool I think guys. Even now, while ranting about the bad behavior of men, I feel a need to jump in to defend them. Against me. Again, part of the problem. I feel as though so many women are so conditioned to be so nice to men all the time, to walk on eggshells around criticizing them, that we can't be honest with one another. I could spend 2/3rds of this piece talking about all the good things men do, but it would be irrelevant because the only thing part that would be relevant would be the part where I criticize.
So let's just assume I've already done the work of brandishing my "pro-guy" credentials and gotten it out of the way. Because, frankly, I am too tired to write that much right now and it would just piss me off and make me feel like a sap to do so.
So yes. This is a rare moment for me: a piece written while I'm pissed off. It happens on occasion. I tend to avoid them, even when I'm ranty, but I am genuinely angry about this. It's not personal. It's not about specific individuals, though I'm sure some will jump in here and tell me how I'm attacking specific individuals. I run that risk when I quote and provide specific evidence, but to not provide specific evidence and details would be demeaning to those reading this. It would assume that they are incapable of evaluating the evidence on their own and it would be disrespectful to those I am critiquing, assuming them to be incapable of handling the withering criticism that I have piled upon them.
I am a feminist.
I have used that word for my entire adult life. I think more people should, including men.
I just think that when men use it, some need to try harder to mean it.
5:39 PM PT: Brief update: more like this.