from the Great State of Maine, and the beautiful City of Portland, it's...
Monty Python's Flying Circus! Oh, wait, wrong diary...it's
Awards Edition Plus: Cheers and Jeers Substitute Edition!
Bill is off today. I understand he has to wash his hair, which is an all day affair what with all the blow-drying necessary to get the coiff "just right". So, in lieu of Bill's Column today, Awards Edition Plus will be filling in. The pool is open, the water is warm, and I just got done skimming off the leaves and running the pool vacuum. Please, no nude swimming and no peeing in the kiddie pool. Violators will be spanked 100 times with a wet noodle. Swimming pool noodle, of course.
Follow me over the fold and jump in the kiddie pool, the water is fine.
Awards Edition Plus Editorial
by AEP Managing Editor Lenin Cat
Today, the Supreme Court will begin hearing a case which posits that the Affordable Health Care Act is unconstitutional. Now remember, these are the brilliant minds that over the years brought us everything from Dred Scott to Bush v. Gore and Citizens United. These guys don't always do the right thing, but you know, there's nothing we can do about it. They're appointed for life.
I think it is worth pointing out that we are the only developed country in the Western world that does not have universal health care. I would have preferred a Canadian-style single payer system (which could be accomplished by extending Medicare to all citizens--Medicare, by the way, is what the Canadians call their system) or the Bismarck Model (the arch-conservative "Iron Chancellor" brought universal health care on a private-public model as well as retirement pensions and universal public education to Imperial Germany over 100 years ago) but the AHA is a good start in that direction.
I have some fear that the SCOTUS may make a political decision rather than one on the merits of the case. For some on the court, stripping the President of his biggest domestic legislative victory in an election year may be irresistible. If they strike it down on tenuous grounds, I never want to hear Scalia or Alito or the loathsome John Roberts use the term "activist judges" ever again. Because they'll be hypocritical douchenozzles if they do.
News of Dubious Veracity Department
from the Chicago Catholic Distorter:
Former Senator Rick Santorum has recently changed his mind on global warming and climate change. Speaking at Liberty University last week, the Senator announced that climate change can no longer be denied. "After a long prayer session with Pat Robertson and Sam Brownback and my good friend Fred Phelps, I have come to the conclusion that global warming is real, and I now know the cause of it. It is not fossil fuel emissions. No, my friends, it is caused by women asserting their 'right' to reproductive rights and freedoms and by gays and lesbians asserting their 'rights'. God is angry at America's failure to reject common decency. We must end common decency and mutual respect in every state of the Union if we are to stop climate change and win back the trust of our Creator".
Now, without further ado, it's the
Golden Douchenozzle Award Nominees!
Newt, Frothy Mix and Romney there hasn't been a more nefarious trio since Erlichmann, Mitchell and Dean. Through a little Chuck Colson in there for good measure. While they are busy trying to climb up the vajayjays of half the population, they're ignoring the real problems facing the GOP field of candidates: willful ignorance, intellectual dishonesty, and rank stupidity and hypocrisy.
The Roman Catholic Bishops speaking of vajajays, their recent return to obsessing over women's reproductive rights is a welcome change from their obsession with touching altar boys in inappropriate ways.
George Zimmerman this guy has done something I thought no man could ever do: make me re-asses my thoughts on the death penalty.
Paul LePage What would the douchenozzle list be without the Governor of Maine? He won his court case over removing a labor mural from the Department of Labor. I expect a gloating press conference any day now.
And the winner is....
George Zimmerman !!!!
Come on, that was a no brainer.
So, what are we cheering and jeering about this morning? Got a douchenozzle nominee? Put it in the comments. Happy Monday, kiddie-poolers!