From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Vonnegut!
Kurt Vonnegut died five years ago today at the ripe old age of 84. (I like to think his last words were, "So it goes.") In his memory, some bits of Vonnegoodness:
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
-
I really wonder what gives us the right to wreck this poor planet of ours.
-
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
-
Human beings are chimpanzees who get crazy drunk on power. By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the Middle East? Their morale, like so many bodies, is already shot to pieces. They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for Christmas.
-
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
-
1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
-
Let us devote to unselfishness the frenzy we once gave gold and underpants.
-
Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.
-
Son---they say there isn't any royalty in this country, but do you want me to tell you how to be king of the United States of America? Just fall through the hole in a privy and come out smelling like a rose.
And my favorite, which I've adopted as my personal motto:
I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.
More
here.
If you're in New York City, tonight there's a celebration of his life and work at Housing Works. Details at Vonnegut.com.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Note: Hey, C&J ain't beanbag, ya know. It's bare-knuckles brawlin' all the way! (Fortunately our knuckles are soft and flabby and smell like baby powder.)
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Chimpanzee: 9
Days 'til the Philadelphia Science Festival: 9
President Obama's current lead over Mitt Romney among women: 19 points
President Obama's current lead over Mitt Romney in international affairs: 17 points
(Source: ABC News/Washington Post poll)
Metal bands per 100,000 people in the U.S.: 5.5
Metal bands per 100,000 people in Finland.: 53.5
(Source: Time)
Number of years between double-eagles (scoring a 2 on a par 5) on hole #2 at the Masters tournament: 76 (Gene Sarazin in 1935 and Louis Oosthuizen in 2012)
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 4 gogs and 1 honorary Vulcan). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Amazing footage of a golden retriever rescuing a puppy from a swimming pool, with some added controversy about whether or not the videotaper should've put down the camera and rescued it himself. To me the puppy looks like he's just entering the pool as the footage starts, he doesn’t look panicked to me, I don’t hear any yelps, retrievers are natural swimmers, and I'm sure the pup would've found his way to the steps just fine. Still, nice rescue! Judge for yourself.
-
CHEERS to idle hands being a little less idly handlier. Hey, this is good:
The Labor Department said Tuesday that employers advertised 3.5 million job openings in February. That's up from a revised 3.48 million in January but still below the three-year high of 3.54 million in December. The fact that job openings remained steady in February suggests that the disappointing March jobs report issued last week could be a temporary bump. It usually takes one to three months for employers to fill openings.
On the sucky side, inflation-adjusted wages are down 1% from last February. For that you can thank, appropriately enough, the 1%. But at least they're not making employees bring their own toilet paper to work. Yet.
CHEERS to the greenest spaces. Travel & Leisure, which writes about the two things most Americans don't have money or time for anymore, is out with its list of the Greenest Cities in America. We'll resist the urge to accuse the magazine of favoritism, seeing as the wrong Portland---Oregon's---was voted #1, because at least they put the right Portland---Maine's---in the top 10 at a respectable #7:
Between the farm-to-table restaurants, homegrown microbrews, and all that lobster, you can literally taste the great outdoors here. A few popular restaurants, such as Miyake or 20 Milk Street at the Regency Hotel, even have their own farms. Voters preferred Portland in the summer over any other city in the survey---the ideal time to fish, enjoy the parks, or stroll the Old Port area.
We're also big on recycling. In fact, next month Portland will become the first municipality in the country with a homespun witticism redemption center. "Lean up against that woodstove and you'll know you've been somewhere!"
Ch'ching! 5 cents. "You look shot at and missed, shit on an' hit"
Ch'ching! 5 cents. "Wicked pissah!"
Ch'ching! 5 cents. Oh, next year we're
so gonna be #1.
JEERS to Rickrolling. Looks like we won’t have Santorum to kick around anymore, now that he's officially leaving the campaign trail. But I say it was inevitable. After all, the golden rule is: whoever wins in South Carolina always becomes the nominee. Always. And since you asked, here's how I expect it to go down: Ron Paul bows out for medical reasons, Mitt Romney turns back into an Easter Island statue, and Newt Gingrich sails to the nomination and a humiliating 90%-10% defeat at the hands of Obama. This thing is so baked. Wake me up when it's November 7th.
JEERS to visions of life in Republican Land. If Rep. Paul Ryan ever gets his way:
To see how Ireland is rebalancing its economy without control of its currency, order the nine-ounce steak at Martine's in this costal Irish city. It goes for €28 ($36.60), down from €35 in 2008. But don't come for lunch: The cozy Irish restaurant has stopped serving it because no one was coming. Even sharply lower prices weren't enough to entice workday eaters coping with falling wages. "None of us can see a light at the end of the tunnel at all," says Martine McDonagh, the owner of the restaurant, which occupies an old house near the water in Galway.
Not complaining: Irish beef cows.
CHEERS to landmark legislation. 44 years ago today, President Lyndon "Pull My" Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1968 into law, one week after Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed. The following housing issues became no-no's:
1) Refusal to sell or rent a dwelling to any person because of his race, color, religion or national origin.
2) Discrimination against a person in the terms, conditions or privilege of the sale or rental of a dwelling.
3) Advertising the sale or rental of a dwelling indicating preference of discrimination based on race, color, religion or national origin.
Also: whoever keeps
popping the ReMax balloon, please stop it. Kthx.
CHEERS to attack of the Puritans. Based on the behavior of our main opposition, this year's gay-marriage referendum campaign in Maine could become more of a comedy freak show, making it that much easier for our side to win. Monday leaders of the "No Special Rights PAC" descended on the University of Maine campus, distributing---not kidding---"truth pledges." In addition to promising to vote NO in November, pledge signers also must---again, not kidding---agree to "Use the term 'Sodomy Based Marriage' and avoid the deceptive terms 'same sex or gay marriage,' and also---still totally not kidding---"Pray that God will deliver our State and Country from this attack by demonic force, and that marriage between man and woman will be restored to its rightful place of honor, to the glory of Almighty God." And if you find any dime novels in the corn crib, contact the proper authorities immediately!
CHEERS and JEERS to Google glasses. You put 'em on and it distracts you with the internet while you're walking down the street. A lot of people will be investing in their success. Me? I'll be investing in my local forehead-lamppost collision specialist.
-
Five years ago in C&J: April 11, 2007
CHEERS to Democrats in the driver's seat. Reason #45 why it's good to have Mitt Romney out of office in Massachusetts: Governor Deval Patrick says he wants to abolish a silly state law that prevents out-of-state same-sex couples from getting hitched in the Bay State. Says one anti-gay-marriage muckety muck: "The whole reason that the gay lobby wants this overturned is so they can disrupt the whole situation regarding marriage in other states and cause as much trouble as they can across the country." Hey, if equality = trouble, guilty as charged. (Here, use the fuzzy handcuffs, officer...)
JEERS to pillorying Pedro. Here we go again. President Bush is taking another run at immigration reform, and you know what that means: a fresh wave of "shoot first, ask questions---in English---later" talk from the Republican base. But there are some heartwarming moments amidst the hatemongering. Just yesterday, for example, I saw Lou Dobbs's wife at the jeweler's getting his brass knuckles monogrammed.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to America's Mom. I could be wrong, but I don’t recall another First Lady being filmed doing push-ups in the White House at the command of an obnoxious drill sergeant TV host before. But that ground was broken last night when Michelle Obama took part in a workout on The Biggest Loser. (You can watch it here.) Despite the right's best efforts to mock her, she's making exercise look not just fun, but cool---not an easy thing to do. (And being fit saves on healthcare costs and reduces the deficit, right teabaggers? Hello? Hello???) Meanwhile, tonight Michelle engages in some verbal calisthenics on The Colbert Report. Fearless prediction: the thumb-wrestling match ends in a tie.
Have a nice Wednesday...and a safe journey, O noble steed. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
There is no snooze button. If you unplug it, a battery takes over. As wake-up time approaches, you cannot reset the alarm time. Cheers and Jeers could be the world's most exasperating alarm clock.
---Associated Press
-