From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: "Oh, Rick--We'll Always Have Google" Edition
"Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn't have one, he dropped out."
---Jay Leno
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Clip of Rick Santorum concession speech: Miracle after miracle, this race was as improbable as any race that you will ever see for president.
Jon Stewart: Really? Any race ever? Like, I dunno, were you alive in 2008, when a black guy name Barack Hussein Obama beat a 48-term war-hero senator and his flag pin of a running mate?
---The Daily Show
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"After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted body-boarding in California. Romney would've gone surfing but, y'know, he hates standing for something."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"Romney this week criticized President Obama, saying that he was out of touch after years of flying around on Air Force One surrounded by adoring staff. Romney added, 'The last time I saw someone that out of touch was when my yachting coach wore cufflinks to a garden party.'"
---Seth Meyers
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“George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the 'Bush tax cuts.' He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the 'Eight Year Oopsie.'”
--–Conan O'Brien
And one year ago:
"Whatever Republican is going to replace Obama is going to need three things: vision, leadership, and enough cash to make up for not having vision or leadership."
---Stephen Colbert
At the rate he's goin', he may have to tap into one of his Cayman Island accounts. Or even his Swiss bank account! The horror.....
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 13, 2012
Note: C&J will not appear Monday, as we will be helping Rick Santorum retire his campaign debt by participating in a nude libertine volleyball tournament and condom toss on his front lawn. Back Tuesday with sunburn, a restraining order and, hopefully, a really big trophy.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Tax Day: 4
Days 'til the Great American Pie Festival in Celebration, Florida: 15
Amount America will spend this year to treat people with Alzheimer's disease: $200 billion
Expected spending on Alzheimer's in 2050: $1.1 trillion
(Source: Alzheimer's Association via USA Today)
Chance that an employed American works in the service industry: 6-in-7
(Source: Harper's Index)
Increase in underwear sales in 2011, a supposed predictor of economic recovery: 6.6%
Increase in beauty salon business, another predictor: 5.4%
(Source: Time)
Number of letters in Paraskevidekatriaphobia: Not sure---a black cat just dropped a ladder on top of our Director of Letter Counting. ---mgt
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Tempus fugits---as of tomorrow, Bo has been First Dog for three years.
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CHEERS to epic FAIL. North Korea's long-range rocket, which the Propaganda Ministry claimed was a life-size replica of Kim Jong Un's glorious penis, lasted 81 seconds before falling back to earth in a Cialis-defying heap of technological flaccidity. For those of you keeping score of the new Dear Leader's rocket tests, Kim Jong, Jr. is now oh-for-Un.
CHEERS and JEERS to deeds of varying levels of derringness. Thinking of someone other than himself, Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker saves a woman from a burning house. Meanwhile, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, thinking of no one but himself, saves the Hudson River Tunnel from a burning need. Film at 11.
CHEERS to the master of all he (sometimes literally) surveyed. Happy 268th birthday to founding father Thomas Jefferson! Cormac O'Brien's book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents sums up the "Sage of Monticello" rather well:
Thomas Jefferson was the walking, talking embodiment of the Enlightenment, a polymath whose list of achievements is as long as it is incredibly varied. As if penning the Declaration of Independence, sitting as governor of Virginia during the Revolution, and serving as Secretary of State in George Washington's first term weren't enough, he went on to do much more---architecture, linguistics, agriculture, philosophy, music, prose, you name it. While others dabbled, Jefferson mastered.
Pay your respects
here. Jefferson, by the way, was also "fond of greeting ambassadors in his pajamas." No wonder I always liked him so much.
P.S. His reaction to the Garfield socks we all pitched in to get him: "That yon feline should consumeth such vast quantities of lasagna at one sitting brings great mirth to my breast! Ha Tee Ha!" (Yay---we done good.)
JEERS to opponents who don’t learn from history. Now that Rick Santorum is out of the race, South Carolina primary winner Newt Gingrich is poised to lock up the nomination in June. But until then, for some weird reason everyone is focused on the runner-up, Mitt Romney, who appeared to be channeling Sarah Palin during a conference call Wednesday. When asked if he supported the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, the response was emphatic: "We'll get back to ya on that." Golly, that sounds familiar:
Couric: I know you've said Barack Obama is a lot of talk and no action. Can you give me any other examples in his 26 years of John McCain truly taking a stand on this?
Palin: I can give you examples of things that John McCain has done, that has shown his foresight, his pragmatism, and his leadership abilities. And that is what America needs today.
Couric: I'm just going to ask you one more time---not to belabor the point. Specific examples in his 26 years of pushing for more regulation.
Palin: I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you.
You'll be shocked to learn that she never tried and never brung. Also, too, since we're on the subject of "I'll get back to ya" rhetoric, remember when Palin couldn’t come up with a single Supreme Court decision with which she disagreed besides Roe v. Wade? I'd forgotten that Joe Biden, when asked the same question, thought of one in the blink of an eye: the
overturning of the Violence Against Women Act. The Act is currently up for re-authorization. Democrats want to pass it right away. Republicans want to…get back to ya on that. No kidding.
CHEERS to humpin' like bunnies with birth control. Five years ago today, the government reported that abstinence-only education was a big flop. This week we found out that abstinence-only education is…still a big flop! So, kids, follow Uncle Billy's reality-based guidelines and you'll be fine: Have fun, love the one you're with, and be safe about it. Now here's some porno music to get ya started: Ooh wacka wacka boing boing wacka...
JEERS to wacko thespians. 147 years ago tomorrow, John Wilkes Booth put a derringer ball into Abe Lincoln's skull, snuffing out the life of a great (the greatest?) president. I've read on the prestigious internet that Booth was "the George Clooney of his day." With one small difference: George Clooney is slightly less likely than Booth to be an overzealous Confederate secret agent. Now tuck in your shirt and pay your respects. Oh, and two words for Booth: Bobblehead denied.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you don’t have anything better to do this weekend---like, say, attend your local communist party meeting---you can share some intimate moments with the sacred socialist TV box. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher welcomes Tavis Smiley, NYU sociology Prof. Eric Klinenberg, former Canadian P.M. Kim Campbell, and David Stockman. New DVD releases include season 3 of Night Gallery and Meryl Streep's Oscar-winning turn as Maggie Thatcher in Iron Lady. (Harry's complete list at AICN is here.) Josh Brolin hosts SNL. Major league ball is in full swing, and the Red Sox will fight tooth and nail to win---specifically fight tooth and nail to win a second game. On 60 Minutes, as you'd expect: a tribute to Mike Wallace.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. Shall we see if they've gotten better at booking female guests? Yes…we shall:
Meet the Press: Tim Geithner; roundtable with Harold Ford, Michele Bachmann, Hilary Rosen (that'll be interesting!), Savannah Guthrie and Mike Murphy. Male/Female Ratio: 3/3
This Week: Tim Geithner; roundtable with Paul Gigot, Cokie Roberts, Katrina vanden Huevel and Kevin Madden. Male/Female Ratio: 3/2
Face the Nation: It's CBS's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping; plus Tim Geithner. Male/Female Ratio: 2/0
Bill Moyers & Company (link): Angela Blackwell on maintaining hope in the Age of Insanity; Kathleen Hall Jamieson on dog whistles and buzzwords in recent Obama and Romney speeches. Male/Female Ratio: 0/2
Washington Week: Dan Balz, Beth Reinhard and John Harris on MaleChauvinistGOPigGate; Doyle McManus on Syria. Male/Female Ratio: 3/2
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: David Axelrod; Romney attack dog Ed Gillespie; Chris Wallace remembers his dad. Male/Female Ratio: 2/0
13 men, 9 women. Believe it or not, that's an improvement. Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: April 13, 2007
JEERS to more "fun" in the sun. Just days after President Bush scolded Democrats for putting our troops at risk of extended tours overseas if they didn't immediately send him gobs of money with no strings attached, he goes and adds three months to their tours anyway. At least he picked the right time to do it. I hear Iraqi dust storms are lovely in the springtime.
CHEERS to encores. Alberto Gonzales's former chief of staff, Kyle Sampson, will do some more jawboning up on the Hill today. They wanted to give him one more chance to break the Guinness Record for saying "I don’t remember."
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And just one more…
JEERS to the unsinkable ship...namely, the one over yonder that's in the process of sinking. 100 years ago this Sunday, the Titanic sank after hitting (or, to be more precise, scraping) an iceberg. Today it's a not-far-off-the-mark analogy for the Republican party: a once-proud institution whose shoddy modern-day ideas and barely-veiled racist and classist arrogance make them oblivious to the waters of obsolescence swirling at their feet. Their heart will go on…but I'm afraid their heads are a lost cause.
Have a daffodilicious weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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