Allen West, Still America's Dumbest Congressman
So Rep. Allen West (R-FL), officially acknowledged by yours truly as definitely the
Dumbest Person in Congress, was caught on camera earlier in the week claiming to his constituents that there were 70 or 80ish members of the Communist Party currently in the House of Representatives. For this, he was
cruelly attacked and mocked by all the peoples of
this dimension, none of whom are able to see these invisible communists that haunt Mr. West as he patrols the hallowed grounds of the capitol, and this, of course, hurt Mr. West's feelings. You already know where this is leading, right? Of course you do. You read the title of this post.
Yes, it leads to Mr. West sending out a fundraising letter based on the incident! Woo! Go, shamelessness! All right, let's have a look:
Dear Fellow Conservative,
You know I am not afraid to speak the truth.
Or to make shit up wholesale, because that's how I roll. It's the same thing, right?
That’s why I’m the number one target of liberals and their friends in the media who are going completely nuts about my comments at a recent Townhall meeting. I need your help to fight back and stand up against the corrupt liberal media as they attempt cover for their left-wing allies.
... by accurately reporting that gibberish I said, which was mean.
In response to a question about Marxists in Congress, I called out the Congressional Progressive Caucus for their extreme left-wing positions. I stand by the point of my comments and I need you to stand with me today by making a contribution of $10 or more.
Because I am very, very dumb, and have never been able to tell the difference between a group of progressives and the Communist Party. But studies have proven that dumb people need more money than smart people, so please, won't you give?
The Progressive Caucus advocates for state control over industries, redistribution of wealth, reduced individual economic freedom, and the destruction of free markets. Members of this Caucus lavished praise on Fidel Castro following a 2009 visit to Cuba. They have even introduced a constitutional amendment to redistribute wealth.
They are also building a Death Star. Oh, and they called your mother ugly. And they listen to music with curse words in it. Also: Hitler, for some reason. Let's just throw some Hitler in there too. And that gay Teletubby. Bob, I think his name was.
You can call them whatever you want, but they point is, they oppose free markets and individual economic freedom, they are determined to empower government to redistribute wealth, and they want to see the nation fundamentally transformed. Their policies are destructive and I will stand up to them regardless of the critics.
I reject the communist notion that says I can't call dozens of my fellow congresspeople Communists just because I feel like it, or because I am too stupid to know the difference. This makes me a patriot, so give me some goddamn money already.
We’re in the fight for the heart and soul of our nation. It's a fight we can win, but we must all be involved. Please stand with me by making a contribution today.
Your contribution will allow me to keep spouting gibberish at constituents, passers-by, and the media elite (oh, how we hate them). Think of it like adopting a hungry child, except instead of "hungry child" it is "exceptionally stupid congressman with no regard for the truth." Those studies I mentioned have also proven that exceptionally stupid congressmen with no regard for the truth need far, far more money than hungry children. That $10 you sent me won't go far, but it will at least allow me to buy another can of the special congressional paint I huff in order to come up with these things. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Remember, kids: lying is good. Lying is cool. And if you're a Republican, getting caught lying can provide the basis for your next fundraising drive. That's what being a conservative is all about. Go, fightin' morons.