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Hello to my Kossack family. This is Tricia, jimreyn's widow.
First of all, I would like to apologize for taking this long to get this diary out to you. Needless to say I have been severely depressed, sometimes to the point I could not function. I am in therapy and taking medications for my depression and nerves.
There are no words to express my gratitude for the kindness so many of you have shown me during my loss. It absolutely overwhelmed me. I have always been the one to do for others and I just let my pride get in the way of having someone do for me, not that I did not appreciate it so much but that's just who I am. I will always be grateful for all you did for me and never forget you. Each of you have a very special place in my heart.

It is with regret that I have a confession to make. There are about 5 members of the group who know my secret but at the time I begged them to keep it private.

I am assuming so many of you are wondering what happened to Jim, was it a heart attack or what exactly. I do not think he would want you to know but I feel it is an injustice to not tell you the truth. Jim was a wonderful loving, compassionate husband,  a wonderful father, stepfather and grandfather and he cared about the direction our country is taking and he loved his Kos family. He loved music, His profession for several years was that of a DJ at our local radio station. He played the guitar as well as drums and he wrote hundreds of lyrics. We took fantastic journey's together meeting many stars. He was a loner so to speak, a man who loved to read books and the internet opened up a gigantic world to him. His mind was like a sponge, it soaked up the knowledge and his brain was like that of a computer, he never forgot what he read. There was never no need for plumber or electricians, if anything went wrong he fixed it. With his health being in the shape it was, it might take him 3 times as long to complete a task but he would not give up and succeeded at whatever he set out to fix. I'm not bragging but he did have a brilliant mind on him. He could and should have been a millionaire.

Jim was not well. He had a botched surgery in 1992 of having his right kidney removed. He was never pain free from this point on and it only grew worse as the years went by. He had one tiny spot in his right side that he described to me and his doctors as feeling as if there was a rat inside of him just trying to gnaw his way out. I recently had all my teeth removed looking forward to getting dentures and getting my smile back but something terrible went wrong. The dentist damaged a nerve or multiple nerves. Here I am toothless and in more pain than I was before I had them removed. 2011 was a horrible year for me and put a lot of stress on Jim. The pain was unbearable. The dentist was baffled and for months and months Jim searched the net until he found what my symptoms matched to. It is called "Atypical Odantalgia". It is horrific pain. I had 3 surgeries which did not work but between the dentist and I have since found a combination of medication that does relieve the pain, not take it away but make it bearable.

My Jim had got to the point where he could not take the pain anymore. It was consuming his life. After discovering I had nerve damage, Jim began to believe that his was nerve damage also in his intestine. He had taken every kind of pain medication there was and nothing stopped it. I do not wish for you to think less of Jim or think of him as a coward but on February 24th 2012, Jim took his own life at the hands of a 22 pistol while in my presence in our bedroom.I am living with this image every day, almost every minute of the day. I was on the laptop and he was writing. Any time Jim wrote, I automatically assumed he was writing lyrics, instead it was a suicide letter. Consumed in what I was reading on the net, he managed to place this letter inside a lock box and remove the 22 pistol. His only words were " Watch This". There was NO time for me to utter a word or scream out Jim don't do this, he put the gun to his head and fired. The pistol once fired popped back and landed between my legs. I remember screaming at the top of my voice, throwing the gun in the floor and grabbing the phone to dial 911. It did not kill him instantly and I laid in the  floor beside him praying like I had never prayed before until the ambulance arrived and they pulled me away from him. It was the most shocking, horrific experience I had ever been through and my 84 year old mother died in my arms of a massive stroke.

I pray that you will not think less of Jim. He was a man in pain who from 1992-2012 had suffered all he could take. I don't think I will ever be the same, nor will I ever get this image from my mind. I so regret how Jim went about this but it is comfort to me to know he is no longer suffering. With me being so sick, I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams that he would leave me but it lets me know just how much pain he was in. I am thankful he is finally pain free and at peace but I miss him terribly. We spent 23 years together and I have very happy, fond memories of us together. He was my world. I consoled him as he did me. I will always love him and there is no one on this earth that could take his place. There will never be another Jim Reynolds.

Again I want to thank you from my heart and soul for all you did for me. I know there is nothing I can say or do to repay you for your kindness and generosity. But please know how greatly it was appreciated. I couldn't spend a dime at first but I am slowly starting to buy some things I needed such as clothes as all mine were falling off of me. When I spend any of the money all I can do is cry, I have broke down on a few sales associates.

Thank you for your love and compassion in a world that I thought things like this no longer existed. I ask that you please keep me in your prayers as I have a long journey ahead of me but It makes me feel so good inside to know that I have people like yourselves who care and made a difference.

A special thank you to Nurse Kelley and Vetwife who made all this possible, and I am leaving someone else out, Urple perhaps who worked many hours to make this possible. I am reading Daily Kos on a daily basis but I don't expect to be as active as Jim was, at least not yet. May God bless each and everyone of you. I have purchased thank you cards to send to those I know made donations but as soon as I start to write I fall apart so I have only gotten a few out but I will get to you. Some were anonymous and unfortunately some I could not read the return addresses but I have kept every card and I am making a memorial scrapbook for Jim and they will all be in there.

Thank you again, I just can't say it enough
Love, Peace, Hope & Prayers, Tricia (short for Patricia)  

Originally posted to tngirl on Thu Apr 19, 2012 at 03:12 PM PDT.

Also republished by Invisible People, KosAbility, J Town, Three Star Kossacks, The Grieving Room, Headwaters, Nashville KosKats, and Depression and Suicide.

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