In a rare public announcement, God tells athletes to stop asking Him for help, "Unless you play bocce ball. All I care about is bocce ball!"
At the age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.
"I've got a PS3 Mini, 2 Bongs, all my DVDs, paintball gun, 4 knives, 23 lighters, 6 Redbulls, and munchies." - If men carried Purses.
I'm sick of people whose logical and well-thought opinions disagree with my irrational viewpoints. I shall refer to them as "haters."
The vice presidential nominees in 2004 were John Edwards and Dick Cheney. In an ideal world, they would be cell mates.
A Florida man is in jail for stealing a $1 cup of soda from McDonald's. If only he'd claimed the beverage was threatening him, he'd be free.
Congratulations, Megan Fox, on finally trapping that dude from 90210.
You don't truly understand how powerless you are against sex until you don't have a condom and your brain's like "Fuck it, it's just AIDS."
Reality is a drug, nothing fucks me up quite like it.