From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Excuses
Michigan Republicans. What a bunch.
First they revoke speaking privileges from Reps. Lisa Brown and Barb Byrum for saying the words "vagina" and "vasectomy" on the House floor.
Then all hell breaks loose and Republicans look like even bigger misogynistic fools than they already are.
So they do the courageous thing. They change their excuse. Now they claim that the two Democratic representatives of the female gender were punished because they used the phrase, "No means no." (But Rep. Byrum never used those words, so why was she punished?)
Republicans are already getting laughed out of the room over this new excuse, so they've formed a special Justification Subcommittee to churn out a list of fresh whoppers in the hopes that one might actually stick. This morning C&J obtained the list from Speaker Jase Bolger's dog in exchange for a handful of chicken liver treats:
Reps. Brown and Byrum got in trouble because…
Their statements contained too many facts.
They were making us late for a walleye tournament.
They addressed the chair without putting aspirin between their knees.
Shoulder-length hair? Take it outside, hippies!
We suspect they were plotting to toilet-paper our secret treehouse.
Their statements weren't cleared by Rush Limbaugh first.
We sensed they were about to start hurling sugar beets at us.
They could be working undercover for those "Nuns on the Bus."
We had to get to Zehnder's of Frankenmuth before the tourists snarfed all the juiciest chicken boobies breasts, and they wouldn't shut up!
The dog ate our real reason.
This is a partial list. The rest were just silly.
Adding: good dog!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Note: Major mishap at shaving cream factory. Foam at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Twin Cities Pride Parade in Minneapolis: 4
Days 'til the Wayne Chicken Show in Nebraska: 33
Increase in Manhattan residents' life expectancy between 1987 and 2009: 10 years
(Source: WBUR via WaPost)
Percent of Americans who would vote for a mandated four-weeks-per-year paid vacation: 48%
Percent who said they'd vote for a six-week vacation: 19%
(Source: 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll)
Factor by which a religious web site is more likely than a porn site to infect a computer with malware: 3
(Source: Harper's Index)
Age of the Leap-the-Dips rollercoaster (the world's oldest) in Altoona, Pennsylvania: 110 yrs.
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 176 (including 3 Tribulation Temples and 1 imminent galaxy collision 6 billion years from now). Soul Protection Factor 30 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Yeah. I'm sure their divorce is imminent…
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JEERS to waking and baking. This morning we heard a familiar sound around the neighborhood:
Hummmmmmm...[drip]…ummmmmmmm…[drip]…ummmmmmmm…[drip]…ummmmmmmm…
Yes indeedy. On the day that summer arrives (around 7 O'clock ET), window-mounted air conditioners are suckin' down the juice as heat advisories go up for southern Maine. Expected high today: 90'ish. If it's going to be a sizzler where you are, make sure you stay in the shade, wear loose-fitting clothing, and drink plenty of fluids. Don’t forget the lime twist and the teeny umbrella.
CHEERS to Barack Obama: International Man of Diplomacy. Shortly after his supposedly "icy" meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday, the Obama team announced that a cargo ship shuttling attack helicopters to Syria for use against the rebels was turning around and heading back home:
Ostensibly, the MV Alaed turned around after its insurance coverage was pulled. But the ship’s return coincides with a meeting between Obama and Vladimir Putin---a sign the two leaders may be starting to cooperate on what to do about Syria’s deadly war. … During the leaders’ two-hour meeting, which is the first time the two have met as presidents, Putin and Obama agreed to a “peaceful” resolution to Syria’s bloodshed.
Here's what I think happened. Instead of looking into Putin's soul and swooning the way his predecessor did, Obama looked into Putin's beady eyes and used his smarts and sharp instincts to diffuse the situation…and both came out looking pretty good. That ain't icy. That's cool.
CHEERS to vetoers' remorse. The day after Maine voters shot down our legislature- and governor-approved gay marriage law in November, 2009, you could feel a palpable sense of regret and, for lack of a better word, guilt. Three years later marriage equality is on the ballot again, and it appears that voters are in no mood to let it happen again:
The poll shows that 55 percent of Mainers favor the citizen’s initiative while only 36 percent oppose. “Maine’s referendum legalizing same-sex marriage appears likely to pass: WBUR’s poll follows national polls, which show increasing acceptance of same-sex marriage,” the authors of the WBUR poll wrote.
Add in the fact that this is a presidential election year in a blue state and all signs point to…cautious optimism, as always.
JEERS to the way it works over there. Europe + Very Serious People + crisis-hungry media = a predictable pattern:
If [Country X] doesn't agree to [Draconian Action Y], it will cause a collapse of the world economy!!!
Country X agrees to Draconian Action Y.
Markets rise! Sighs of relief! The return of the Confidence Fairy is imminent!
30 seconds elapse…
Markets fall as Confidence Fairy fails to arrive.
If [Country X] doesn't agree to more of [Draconian Action Y], it will cause a collapse of the world economy!!!
Country X agrees to more of Draconian Action Y.
Markets rise! Sighs of relief! The return of the Confidence Fairy is imminent!
30 seconds elapse…
Markets fall as Confidence Fairy fails to arrive.
Insanity defined.
CHEERS to that picture that looks like an eagle got hit by a bus. On June 20, 1782, the Great Seal of the United States was adopted by Congress. It has 13 stars, 13 stripes, 13 arrows in the eagle’s talon, 13 letters in the mottos "e pluribus unum" and "annuit coeptis," 52 total letters on it (which is divisible by 13), 13 olive leaves, 13 olives on the branch, 13 levels in the pyramid, and 13 sides showing on the ribbon. But designer Charles Thomson stopped short of including a black cat walking under a ladder---that would've been considered unlucky.
CHEERS or JEERS to moving our money. The Fed is going to announce it's going to do something BIG today! Feel the Bernankementum…
One option would be an effort to drive long-term interest rates even lower to try to spur borrowing and spending. A more modest step would be for the Fed to stress its readiness to do more should the economy weaken further. Or the Fed might do or promise nothing further---not for now, anyway.
We'll be watching with…great interest!
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!! That always slays 'em down at Smith Barney.
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Five years ago in C&J: June 20, 2007
CHEERS to Charles Gibson. The ABC News anchor took a swipe at FOX News during his commencement speech at Union College Saturday:
"When an announcer says, 'It’s a report you have to see,' you probably don’t. When an anchor says, 'shocking details,' they probably aren’t. When a reporter claims his news is 'fair and balanced,' it probably isn’t."
Way to go, Chuck. Now go tell that to the fools at your own network who write "
The Note."
JEERS to the hands of time...spinning backward. President Bush vetoed his third bill yesterday. For those of you keeping score, that's two vetoes against medical research, and one veto against bringing a stupid pointless war to an end in Iraq. Stay tuned for his next veto: the 2007 Shooting Paintballs At Nursing Home Residents Is A Bad Idea Act.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to coming in for a soft branding. Yes, yes, lobsters are distantly related to cockroaches, but boil 'em just right and dip 'em in butter and they're pretty darn tasty. Maine and lobsters are synonymous (they're a $300 million+ industry here), but we have a dilemma: the soft-shell variety is more abundant than the more popular hard-shell kind and thus a fair amount cheaper. The theory is that rebranding the soft-shell lobster will boost both demand and prices. So…what do we call it??? There are a bunch of suggestions floating around. Mine is simple, and based on the fact that soft-shell lobster meat is sweeter. Just as people love their sweet corn and sweet potato fries, they'll flip over: "Sweet Lobster." I mean who wouldn’t want to plow into a succulent, mouth-watering, taste-bud-caressing sweet lobstah? Is that awesome or what? Sweet lobster it is, then. C'mon up and try one sometime.
Enjoy the last day of spring, kids. It's all swelter skelter 'til Labor Day! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"There is dignity in all work, except for porn or Cheers and Jeers."
---Greg Gutfeld
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