I'm going to do it. I'm cancelling my birthday. Okay, in one sense, my birthday is a notation on the calendar that happens whether or not I notice. So I'll be a year older. But any other celebration is rescheduled.
I have some . . . issues with my birthday. I think I'm going to need a month or so to get ready for it. It's been pretty chaotic around Casa Jenn for the last seven months. And it probably won't be any less chaotic the next month. But I'll put a New and Improved Birthday on the calendar and work on having it.
When I was VERY pregnant with my son, my then-husband told me that my birthday didn't matter anymore. I had my birthday the next year anyway, with my 11 month old son in tow, dinner, fabric shopping, time with friends.
Then my mom died. I had a migraine for 8 weeks. I was utterly useless for six solid months, although I apparently did stuff like dishes and laundry on autopilot and my son grew like a normal toddler. I was pretty busy - doing the paper chase for a foreign adoption, and getting ready to move overseas for a year for my then-husband's job.
We were in beautiful Dresden, Germany, on the south of the Elbe, with lovely weather, and I decided not to tell my new friends about my birthday. My ex was back in the US or somewhere else away. My son (who was almost two) and I went to a festival along the river that day, I drank a bit of wine and practiced my baby German.
The very thought of the woman who gave birth to me made my birthday feel insignificant without her. I will never not miss my mom. She was 57, and I was 36. I am an utter wreck about Mother's Day and my birthday and my mom. There was one single Mother's Day where in I had a mom and was a mom.
I bumbled through the next few years, having a facial or dinner out on my birthday while I raised my two children (my daughter came home from China a few weeks after we came home from Germany). Maybe the then-spouse was around and maybe he wasn't. Maybe I was in Australia (and I was, one year). But it's never been the same.
Then almost two years ago, everything in my life fell apart.
My husband of 23 years had a 3-month affair and left me. While this is going on, my dad had a recurrence of colon cancer, signed hospice papers, and died. I wrote about it. We were out of town for that Christmas, and I got through Easter. My local girlfriends were very nice and gave me knitted toys for my birthday. I went to a move (LoTR Trilogy Tuesday, iirc) and stopped for a drink and cheesecake on the way home.
Last summer and fall, I got through the one-year anniversaries of everything, we wrapped up the complicated divorce (2 kids and 23 years of property), and I was starting to get my head together. November was exceptionally cold - I haven't looked at temperature data, but the 3 of us were just freezing all the time. So I planned to spend Thanksgiving weekend in St. George Utah. We had a marvelous time, hiking and walking around Snow Canyon, Zion NP, and the town itself. We met kos-friend RL_Miller for dinner one night. The kids swam in the pool and we had a microwave and fridge in our room too.
During the long drive home Saturday night, I received a text from my former brother-in-law. It said "GS won't be able to call the kids tonight." I replied that we were on the road anyway. I asked if "GS was in the hospital or in jail." BiL told me "jail," and I assumed my stupid now-ex-husband had a DUI. I knew he had traveled from Korea to Boston with a stop somewhere in between. And I knew he was finally officially ex-husband because the divorce was final the day after Thanksgiving.
Sunday night I am sitting around, put the kids in bed, and was twittering away. I was just about to check the weather for school the next day, and kos-friend BallerinaX tweeted me to check the local news and call her if I needed to. I thought it was strange, but I did.
My ex had been arrested for a less savory charge than DUI, and it was national news. Since this diary isn't about him, I'm not going to give a lot of details, and I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say since our divorce final is now private. I know I shared this with many of you at NN12, but this diary is more or less a written record. So please keep it to yourselves and out of my diary. This diary is about my not-birthday.
Anyway, I was in total shock, but I returned to my routines and took the kids to school the next morning just like normal. By the time I got home, the police were at the door, and the media was not far behind. Every electronic device, including all computers and laptops and ipods and camera, was inspected because my ex had stopped by the previous Friday to feed the cats. And because the kids' laptops frequently traveled between our homes. Then I had to explain this to my kids, that their dad had done something wrong and was in jail. It took his family over a week to arrange bail. Before he was available by phone again, I took the kids for a recorded interview with the Internet Crimes Division. Then I took them for a forensic exam. With Photos. Meanwhile I am beating the media away from my door. I unplugged my phone. Somehow the AP got a hold of my unlisted phone number and shared it with everyone. I nearly deleted my entire internet history, lest the media find it. I did delete my flickr account, to protect the privacy of my children, and I locked down my FB page. It seems the media was not that ambitious. Although some of my diaries look really weird without their photos. BallerinaX, bless her soul, came over that first week or two (maybe the day after the forensic exam) and watched my kids while I had a facial and massage, aka self-care.
I am on the phone with my lawyer, re-writing the custody and visitation portions of the divorce decree. And Christmas is coming up. I already had the gifts ordered (thank ceiling cat) and we had a small Christmas. Right after that the kids got to see their dad again. And my ex married his mistress while he was in Boston getting in and out of jail. He told the kids this several weeks later and my daughter had an utter meltdown. I had the kids both in weekly counseling for the first three months. And biweekly and monthly after that, and now we are taking the summer off.
In January, the ex quit his job and my kids lost their health insurance. In February he sued me for no alimony. He is working at about 1/3 of his former income for his own small business, doing the same kind of science he did before, but outside of the university setting. I am living on 1/3 of the child support I used to have, and my savings. He added them to his new wife's crummy insurance with a $2000 deductible per kid. I added the kids to my policy, and I screwed up and bounced that particular check and now I need to reapply.
Easter, after church and before lunch.
It was awesome to see everyone at NN12. To get re-energized. To meet all the interesting new and old friends. To hear the speakers and learn at the panels. And to be reminded too that we all have crap in our lives and have to go on the best we can.
We have had a couple court hearings, and there's something else coming up in August. I need to look for a job, and move out of our family home into something else. So I am not really thinking about birthday this year.
I think though, it is important for my kids to see that I have one. And to give them the opportunity to do things for me. They are now brand-new 9 and almost 11 years old.
So I am going to choose a day in about a month, something between July 11 (son's birthday) and July 29 (son's baptism birthday and daughter's coming home day). July 24 is a state holiday and my baptism birthday. And plan some activities. Maybe a party in J-town. Anyway, I am open to your ideas on how birthdays should be celebrated. Even when we have no parents and no spouses. Or maybe especially then. Because more birthdays are better.
Please vote in the poll, and share how you celebrate your birthday, and any ideas you have for mine. I even have a birthday gift in mind to ask all of you for. So don't worry about that part.