We're sadly familiar with the car rooftop journey of Seamus Romney, the Irish Setter who drew the short straw in the "World's Most Egregious Owner" contest. His sad tale leaves us with many unanswered questions, not the least of which is what the hell Ann Romney and the kids Skip, Scamp, Scrap, Stump, and Scrat must have been thinking as their dad packed the family dog into a crate on the roof. Like the rest of us, they have probably learned not to question The Man.
Today, we continue our "Innumerable Flaws of Mitt" series with a new twist, thanks to a suggestion from Kossack Diana In NoVa who wonders what Seamus might have observed in his pre-rooftop days. Your intrepid diarist has contacted Seamus through the miracle of canine seance and the red one has not disappointed, as you will see below.
First, though, Seamus wants you to know that he really is in a "better place". Running through beautiful fields (free of ticks and fleas!), his fur shining in the sun, with other dogs, with plenty of kids who never tire of throwing that tennis ball one more time or giving a "scritch" behind his ears. He's also touched by all your prayers and kind thoughts, and how well you treat your dogs when you recall his sorrows. He can see now that his situation was hardly representative of what humans have to offer in the centuries-old dance with canids.
So, without further ado, the 14th installment of "The Innumerable Flaws of Mitt", courtesy of Seamus.
A is for arguments; there were a lot!
Mitt would never back down - he was right; they were not
B for the ball that I wished Mitt would toss
But that's not the job of a corporate boss
C for the crate, how I hated that thing!
I could not have imagined the fear it would bring
D for the dog food that I fed upon
While I ate Brand X, Mitt ate filet mignon
E for my ears Mitt would pull on and poke
Like the poor guys at Cranbrook, the butt of his joke
F for the forest; I should have gone there
And lived off the land in the pine-scented air
G is for George, who I heard was quite nice
For such a good master, I'd pay any price
H is for heaven where now I can dwell
It makes up for all of my previous hell
I is for icy, like Ann's cold, cold stare
Just like Mitt, it was clear: I could see no love there
J for the jokes Mitt would play on the boys
He short-sheeted their beds and dismantled their toys
K for the kennel, where I should have stayed
When they went on their trips, that's what I aways prayed
L for the lake in New Hampshire so clear
I loved going there where the loons I could hear
M for the mansions so many, so large
Where Mitt liked to say "look at me! I'm in charge!"
N is for nasty, Mitt's dominant trait
Impatient is next: that man just cannot wait
O for Obama and his great dog, Bo
A man who loves dogs - I say "Hey, way to go!!"
P for the people on our household staff
They treated me well, let me frolic and laugh
Q is for "quit it!!" I wished I could scream
When Mitt played his jokes - what a horrible dream
R for the rage you could see on Mitt's face
It's as though he resented the whole human race
S for the slippers he asked me to bring
Then he'd whack me so hard it made my poor snout sting
T for the trees that were just the right height
Obsessive compulsive: did I get that right?
U is for ugly, for that's how Mitt seemed
Even with his nice hair, he could not be redeemed
V is for victim, now it's all so clear
But then I thought "why did Dog-God place me here?"
W for Washington; Mitt used to say
That it was "our turn"; any price he would pay
X for excrement, I really felt bad
But that rooftop car ride just took all that I had
Y is for yelp, when Mitt stepped on my tail
Then smacked me for letting out a high-pitched wail
Z for the zoo where despite being caged
All the critters can live without owners enraged
Now, dear readers who care for your dogs, don't forget:
Vote Obama this fall, and you'll have no regret!
His dog Bo can attest: he's a heck of a guy
So I hope you'll tell Mitt: pack your bags and goodbye!
Your friend,
SEAMUS