From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snarksters, aka People Mitt Would Enjoy Firing:
"At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a Kiss Cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the Show Us Your Tax Returns Cam."
---Conan O'Brien
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"Mitt Romney says he doesn’t know where his financial records are because he doesn’t manage them. He would have said more but he had to go give a speech on why he's the perfect guy to manage the economy."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"I was just the guy with the smoke-screen'ish yet still-legal title of CEO and managing director who was paid at least one hundred thousand dollars a year to do what, according to me, Mitt Romney, was nothing! And that's the kind of common-sense business experience I hope to bring to the White House."
---Jon Stewart, channeling his inner Mitt
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"Wall Street says they prefer Mitt Romney for president. And, by God, who could question Wall Street's judgment?"
---David Letterman
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"I don’t know why, but Mitt Romney has gotten this reputation as a guy who can't identify with the common man, no matter how hard he fires them."
---Stephen Colbert
And how can we forget this from five years ago…
Bill O'Reilly: [Daily Kos is] like the Ku Klux Klan. It's like the Nazi party.
Stephen Colbert: Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum.
---The Colbert Report
Deep down we know ya love us, Billo. Ya big closet hippie.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 20, 2012
Note: A quick heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday as we'll be retroactively winning the 2006 superlotto jackpot and telling everybody they can piss off because WE'RE RICH RICH RICH HA HA HAAAAA!!!! Back Tuesday to beg everybody's forgiveness when we realize that we retroactively blew our fortune on cocaine and hookers in 2007.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the general election: 109
Days 'til the 18th annual Long Beach Crawfish Festival: 8
Percent of U.S. companies who say they plan no layoffs through the end of the year: 69%
(Source: NBC News)
Minimum number of Syrian generals who have defected: 20
(Source: Rachel Maddow)
Rank of "crab cake," "lobster roll" and 'fish tacos" among Americans' favorite regional seafood specialties: #1, #2, #3
(Source: travel.usatoday.com survey)
Number of years Houston Mayor Annise Parker has been with her partner, Cathy: 23
(Source: Parker on The Colbert Report)
Number of long-haired white cats currently being used in ads for Fancy Feast: 3---Aladdin, Phoebe & Gabby
(Source: Parade)
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NEW! Friday Joe Lieberman Wanker Walk Countdown:
Joe Lieberman will end his Senate reign of error in 179 days.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Oregon, a…um…Popsicle that licks you…
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CHEERS to telling it like it is. Gold star to the L.A. Times for helping put to rest the Republican lie that America's "job creators" are limited only to CEOs with big fat bank accounts and the ability to buy politicians. It just ain't true:
Employment experts say that small businesses are crucial job generators during a recovery. Businesses with fewer than 500 employees traditionally make up more than half of new jobs created, and are the first to begin hiring after a recession. "When you look at the overall numbers for years on end, small businesses have been the major job creators in the country and in California," said Scott Hauge, president of Small Business California.
Not that that'll change any Republican minds in Washington. But it might come in handy this Thanksgiving when you stamp it on your biscuits and pass it to your conservative relatives. (Keep that phone cam handy. Precious moments should be preserved.)
JEERS to yelling opening fire in a crowded movie theatre. What happens in the wake of the massacre in Aurora, Colorado, aside from the anger and grief, is depressingly predictable: gun control advocates will wisely suggest that this might be a good time to review our federal and state firearms policies so that our nation's shameful record of gun violence might be improved upon. The NRA will respond by scaring politicians into looking the other way by informing them that, "We'll be scoring you on your response." Meanwhile right-wing bloggers and numbskull pundits will insist that if only those kids at that theatre had been allowed to be armed with Glocks, they would've been able to return fire Rambo-style and no one but the gunman would've been harmed. (Exhibit A: Rep. Louie Gohmert, right on cue.) Like I said, predictable. Depressingly.
Moon rocks
CHEERS to the giant leap for mankind that I got to witness with my own 5-year-old eyes. Forty three years ago today,
at 10:56 pm eastern time, John Kennedy's vision to put a man on the Moon by decade's end was realized when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to set foot on a heavenly body not named Earth. The entire world was united in awe that day---the kind of awe that our next phase of space exploration has to match, now that the shiny shuttles have been mothballed. My verdict so far: the SpaceX rocket looks promising but lacks much of a "gee whiz" factor. Add some streamers to the handlebars and put some baseball cards in the spokes and we'll reconsider.
JEERS to bird-brain bigots. The conservative Bible-thumping president of the restaurant chain Chik-fil-A would like nothing more than for gay people to just up and disappear so he doesn’t have to recognize their existence. But saying so publicly was a stupid thing to do! Now gay people are refusing to eat there anymore and switching to healthier food. When gay people eat healthier, they live longer. And if gay people live longer, pretty soon there'll be enough of us to take over Chik-fil-A and rename it Chik-fil-Gay! Haters: so short-sighted.
Cold and hard?
Nah. Warm and soft.
JEERS to those finicky rich. Oh, pity the poor 1 percent, who have enjoyed outrageously low taxes for decades. Panicked by the thought that they might have to pony up a little bit more starting next year, they're trying to
unload their mansions NOW NOW NOW!!! On the other hand, when it comes to the Vanderbilts', Romneys' and Pettifoggers' investments outside of real estate, they're singin',
"We're in the moneeeeey!!!" Bottom line: the rich will be just fine. So I'm calling off the telethon.
CHEERS to comeuppance. Thirty eight years ago tomorrow, on July 21, 1974, the House Judiciary Committee approved two articles of impeachment against Richard "Okay, I Guess I'm A Crook After All" Nixon. That same day, he was giving a speech at a private home in Bel Air, California. Let's see... He talked about the host's fine tent. He talked about the struggle between Greece and Turkey. He talked about his trip to Egypt. He talked about some old administration officials. And then he toasted his audience with a fine whine:
"You wonder sometimes, and I am often asked, you know, how do you really take the burden of the Presidency, particularly when at times it seems to be under very, very grievous assault. Let me say, it isn't new for it to be under assault, because since the time we came into office for 5 years, we have had problems. There have been people marching around the White House when we were trying to bring the war to an end, and we have withstood that, and we will withstand the problems of the future."
He forgot to add four crucial words: "...for 19 more days." Silly goose.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you're stuck inside with the TV this weekend, there's a bit of this and that on our viewing radar. New DVD releases this week include the remake of The Three Stooges (insert any three GOP senators' or Reps' names here) and the 60th Anniversary Blu-Ray release of Singin' in the Rain. (My Ernest Borgnine marathon continues tonight with Escape from New York.) Your MLB schedule is here (Red Sox are now in 3rd place!), and the British Open leaderboard is here (Tom Watson made the cut!). On 60 Minutes: Michael Phelps and India's gooooooold!!! And Sunday night, take your pick: Homeland, Breaking Bad, True Blood and/or The Newsroom.
Speaking of TV, MSNBC won’t be MSNBC much longer (NBCN will be the new name when it unhooks from Microsoft), but their programming won’t change. Good, because two of their new hires, Up! With Chris Hayes and Melissa Harris-Perry, are the best thing on weekend mornings.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, Success/Fail edition:
The best way to watch
the Sunday morning shows
Meet the Press: Failed Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlzzzzzzz; successful Democratic Mustache of Whupass David Axelrod; failed Democratic strategist Bob Shrum and failed Republican strategist Steve Schmidt talk about the keys to success; roundtable with failed Republican columnist David Brooks, failed Republican former DC schools chancellor Michelle Rhee, and successful Democratic San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro.
Face the Nation: NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg on what it takes to successfully reduce gun violence; Israeli President Netanyahu fails to make a convincing case that Iran should be bombed back to the stone age.
Bill Moyers & Company (link): Successful journalist Chris Hedges talks about the forces at play that keep so many Americans in poverty; plus the top 10 things you should know about poverty.
Washington Week: Successful reporters weigh in: Attack ads and their effectiveness with Karen Tumulty of The Washington Post and Jeff Zeleny of The New York Times; campaign spending update with Jeanne Cummings of Bloomberg; discussion of Syria with Doyle McManus of the Los Angeles Times.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Mike Rogers and Sen. Dianne Feinstein on the rapidly-failing situation in Syria; failed mullet model Tim Pawlzzzzzz; roundtable of FAIL with Bill Kristol, Liz Cheney, Evan Bayh and Kirsten Powers.
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: July 20, 2007
CHEERS to The Happy Thought of the Millennium: As of today George Bush has exactly 18 months left in office. He'll mark the occasion tomorrow by having a colonoscopy. Laura will join him at the hospital to help doctors distinguish his head from his ass.
GOOD RIDDANCE to Jim Nicholson. Hey, VA Secretary! You just spent two and a half years screwing our troops out of adequate health care! What are ya going to do now? "I'm going to run away really fast and make a ton of money screwing people in the private sector!" At least he's consistent.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to vintage Sam. Handy little guide we like to pull out every now and agin' to help us understand what the hell the hardcore Republican Christians say versus what they mean. From Sam Seder and Stephen Sherrill's' book, FUBAR. Enjoy:
"Yeah, but at least
it's a dry heat..."
"Bless your heart" All-purpose phrase that can mean many things, most of them bad. Especially handy when speaking to or about a nonbeliever. When the nonbeliever identifies him- or herself as a nonbeliever, you say, "Bless your heart." Which means, "Bless your heart, because you are going to hell."
"I'll pray for you" "You are going to Hell."
"Hate the sin, not the sinner" This is what you say about a non-Christian person you disapprove of. ... It's nice, because it lets you get out your hate but still sound Christian. What it means is: "I hate the sin, and the sinner."
Family values---As in, "I believe in family values." This can mean a variety of things. For example:
"I don't like to pay taxes for government services."
"I'm afraid of homosexuals."
"I'm afraid of black people."
"I'm afraid of foreigners."
"I believe Rush [Limbaugh] just had a bad-back problem."
"I think the fifties was the best time in U.S. history."
"I'm white."
"God bless America" "My political speech is over."
They should create a Rosetta Stone DVD. It would be very helpful.
Have a great weekend. Here…I upped your allowance. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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