I ate a couple sugar cubes dosed with LSD and challenged my dog to a thumb war. After I realized he had no thumbs, I vowed to find the thief.
In a show of conservative support, Michele Bachmann unhinged her jaw and ate an entire Chick-fil-A restaurant.
Alien: Greetings.
Me: What’s on your chin?
Alien: My genitalia.
Me: It’s tiny.
Alien: Size is irrelevant.
Me: You’re gonna hate Earth.
Richest American Olympic athlete: Lebron James or Anne Romney's horse?
McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is like the Kardashians sponsoring a job fair.
Study: 3 out of 4 Olympic swimmers relax by peeing in the pool.
"Gosh, this is prime real estate. You could really maximize the profit margin by building a Staples here." - Mitt Romney at the Wailing Wall
How come nobody dances to the National Anthem?