This was apparently leaked from the same source who recently provided Gawker with a treasure trove of Bain Capital internal documents. It was accompanied by the somewhat surprising note that Ann had written this draft version herself.
Hello! I must tell you how wonderful it is to look out on so many smiling faces, the faces of our loyal subjects who have gathered here to pay homage to myself and Mitt in this, his hour of coronation. It truly is heartwarming to be surrounded by such an abundance of well-wishers, and the gifts and honors you have bestowed upon us. I solemnly promise you that when I become queen we will restore the Anglo-Saxon honor and dignity to the White House which has been so obviously and sorely missing these past four years.
One of the things I'd like to do tonight is to dispel some of the myths and rumors that my husband's opponents have spread about him. Contrary to what they'd have you believe, Mitt is one of the most honest men I have ever encountered. Why, he simply oozes with integrity. I didn't know what it was at first. Every evening when he'd get home from working at Bain Capital, there would be this smelly stuff all over him. It concerned me at first, but Mitt assured me that it was the smell of success. He said it was the result of the impeccable integrity embodied in his business dealings, such as the ones with the Central American death squad people. They were, after all, Republican allies. and as Mitt explained to me, in business, as in politics, loyalty trumps ethics, and money trumps loyalty. It is because he remained true to those ideals that he prospered.
Speaking of prospering, another of our opponent's tricks has been to try to use our immense wealth against us. Now listen, as I have stated before, I really don't FEEL wealthy, so what's the big deal? I mean, if we don't even feel wealthy, and can't enjoy being filthy rich then what is the point? I think you all know what I mean. [wink] And while I know that Mitt has gained a bit of a reputation for changing his positions, let me reassure you in no uncertain terms. If there is one thing that Mitt will absolutely, positively NOT compromise on, it is releasing his tax returns. Have no fear that he will reveal just how little we and our fellow billionaires have been paying in taxes all these years. I mean, come on, do you think we want all of our friends upset with us for letting THAT cat out of the bag? SOMEBODY needs to relax.
They also criticize Mitt for lacking people skills, not being able to relate to the average person, their needs, their concerns, things like that. Let me tell you, this couldn't be further from the truth. Why just a couple of months ago, one of our gardeners missed work. It was just one day before I was hosting an important dinner party. I was furious because it meant my roses weren't going to be properly trimmed. But Mitt, he was so understanding. He spoke with our head groundskeeper and discovered that the man's wife had given birth that day and he had stayed home to care for their three young children. That was why he wasn't there to trim my roses.
Quite frankly, I was still livid. The man knew how important that party was for me and he deliberately missed work. I mean come on, I realize it may have been their nanny's day off, but couldn't the maid have watched his little snot-noses instead? I felt entirely justified in my rage and demanded that Mitt fire him. But old softy Mitt let the guy keep his job. That's just the kind of caring man he is. Now don't worry, he DID dock his pay for the day and used the incident to cut his hourly wage. After all, you can't let those people walk all over you. Besides, what kind of manager would he be if he didn't take advantage of opportunities to save money? I think America NEEDS a president just like Mitt, someone who will watch out for our nations bottom line.
Another issue that my husband has been unfairly criticized over is our religion. In addition to the standard jokes about magic underwear, and our eagerness to retroactively baptize dead Jews, there have also been nasty rumors claiming that devout Mormon men like Mitt are promised their own world to rule when they die. Now seriously folks, this is as ridiculous as it sounds. Yes, Mitt wants a world to rule, but he has no intention of waiting until he dies. That would be silly, now wouldn't it?
Anyway, thanks again for coming to worship us this week. If feels so nice to be here where the adulation is just the right height. We've felt all along that we were deserving of this kind of treatment and its so relieving to finally get here and experience it.
Now, before I finish I also want to reassure all my friends of the female persuasion that Mitt will govern as a social moderate. Yes, I know he's been spouting all the standard thuggish Republican talking points about abortion and birth control, but that's just to get the rubes to the polls. Trust me, he's not serious about any of that stuff.
So in conclusion, let me just close by saying that above all else, Mitt Romney is a man of his word. You can always trust him to say what he means and mean what he says one hundred percent - he always has.
Thank you ...
OK, you may all go now ....
You're dismissed ...
Am-scray you astard-bays