From The Boston Herald comes news of Ann Romney's pivotal role in humanizing Mitt. At last, we will all be able to find out what a warm-hearted, loving, charming guy lurks inside that craven reptilian exterior.
This week Ann Romney could be his “Mitt-igator,” as some pundits now call her: the wife who convinces skeptical voters that Mitt is not a cold-hearted, bean-counting, wooden automaton.
Oh, please. Everyone knows that cyborgs aren't made of wood. Maybe they were thinking of Mitt's alter-ego, Pinocchio. That dude was certainly wooden.
...Ann could be that neighbor you invite over for coffee to complain about kids, in-laws and, of course, husbands. She’s far richer and better looking than neighbors most of us know. Still, she’d get it. She’d commiserate. That’s very appealing.
That's one thing I don't miss about the Boston Herald: the typos and the mediocre writing. I'm pretty sure that was supposed to say, "That's very
appalling." No, Ann wouldn't come over for coffee. Come on. Get with the program. Mormons eschew stimulants. Inviting them over for coffee? What a rookie mistake!
Also appealing is the Mitt/Ann marriage. Let’s face it; it’s a storybook fantasy to most Americans. Mitt still calls her “my bride,” “my sweetheart.” He constantly says he needs her at his side. He’s the only Massachusetts governor in history to request his wife’s picture in his official state portrait. And there’s Ann, up in the State House, in a frame to Mitt’s right.
Sure. Pass me that Kool-Aid. I'll drink it. Most definitely. It certainly wouldn't have been Ann's idea to steal any of the spotlight by showing up for that portrait. But storybook fantasy? Not unless it's the Brothers Grimm writing the book, and the book's entitled "When Wealthy Control Freaks Marry".
Last December, Ann Romney reduced a small group of women to tears describing, at a campaign event, how Mitt stood by her in the early, frightening days of her multiple sclerosis diagnosis in 1998. “He is steadfast. You can count on him,” she said. “He won’t abandon you in the hardest times.”
Translation: "he didn't abandon
me in the hardest times. Gosh, I would have gone all Atilla-the-"hon" on him if he even thought about that! You? Not so much. If you happen to work for a company that Bain was "involved with", you were cut loose, fired, stripped of your benefits, jobless, maybe even homeless, maybe even suicidal. But he was always there for me."
That sounds nice, but hold on a second. Why in the world would Ann even think that Mitt would "abandon" her just because she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis? What the hell kind of "storybook" marriage is that?
Why wouldn't Mitt be "steadfast". Every one of us who has taken a "for better for worse" wedding vow, and everyone who has a scintilla of human decency wouldn't imagine abandoning their spouse or other loved one due to a medical diagnosis. Yet here's Ann, braggin' on her steadfast Mitt, like he's so special. F*ck that sh*t.
Ann, you're never going to "humanize" Mitt. You love him? You think he's some terrific, witty, charming guy? That's your problem. With any luck, he'll lose in November, and you can enjoy his full-time company, seething alongside you on the couch of life.
What you have done, Ann, is to make the rest of us realize how amazingly blessed we are to be married to someone who truly cares for us and about us. Someone who's just fine the way they are. Someone who doesn't need to be "humanized". Someone whose humanity - demonstrated in so many small ways every single day - takes our breath away and fills us with delight. Someone whose love is unwavering. Someone like my husband.