From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
I love water. On a hot day in a tall glass filled with ice, nothing quenches thirst more completely.
I hate water. It reminds me that the Bush administration used to torture prisoners in our name by waterboarding them. Goodbye, moral high ground. Nice knowin' ya,
I love water. A Super Soaker is a great way liven things up during a slow Bingo night down at the Elk's lodge.
I hate water. If it doesn't show up when and where it's needed, it causes droughts. The earth splits open and everything dies. Scientists call it the "Ann Coulter Effect."
No likin' water when it looks like this.
Hurricane Isaac--Aug. 29
I love water. I have yet to find a way of washing the car without it. I'd say the same thing about dishes, but we have a dog for that.
I hate water. Because it is a fickle bastard: "Around 5% to 6% water loss, one may become groggy or sleepy, experience headaches or nausea, and may feel tingling in one's limbs. With 10% to 15% fluid loss, muscles may become spastic, skin may shrivel and wrinkle, vision may dim, urination will be greatly reduced and may become painful, and delirium may begin. Losses of greater than 15% are usually fatal." And how was your day, dear?
I love water. Because it is totally amazing: "The unique qualities and properties of water are what make it so important and basic to life. The cells in our bodies are full of water. The excellent ability of water to dissolve so many substances allows our cells to use valuable nutrients, minerals, and chemicals in biological processes."
Today...water is on my shit list.
The American Red Cross
1-800-HELP-NOW
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 30, 2012
Note: Here's the schedule for next week. C&J will be off Monday so that we can sharpen our snow shovel blades, pre-salt the sidewalks, and practice cooking emergency pots of clam chowder in anticipation of winter. C&J will also be off on Tuesday as we scrape together bail after getting caught wearing white after Labor Day. Back Wednesday to boast about how my new orange jumpsuit matches this blog.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til James Bond returns in Skyfall: 71
Days 'til the Bothell Blues Festival in Bothell, Washington: 2
Drop in median household income between 2000 and 2010: $73k to $69.4k
(Source: Census Bureau)
Amount new-car buyers in 2025 are expected to save over the life of the vehicle because of the new fuel-efficiency standards being enaccted by the Obama administration: $8,000
(Source EPA via AP)
Average length of time that Millennials and Baby Boomers, respectively, currently spend with an employer: 2 years / 7 years
(Source: PayScale/Millenial Branding study)
Current Arctic sea ice cover, a record low: 1.58 million square miles
(Source: National Snow & Ice Data Center)
Date on which Alma Brown became the first female member of Tampa Local 432 of the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers, ending a 62 year ban on women in the union: 7/28/42
(Source: Gulf Coast Historical Review)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Seems like every year at the end of summer there's this sense of coming back from somewhere, whether we've gone anywhere or not. Whatever the summer pattern is --- a swim, the kids, a stroll --- it's as though we sort of blink and there's the world again, still there. Very much still there.
---August, 2005
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A Seamus who will never have to worry about being strapped to the car roof.
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MEGA CHEERS to crankin' up the democracy machine again. If it looks, acts, stinks, reads and quacks like a shitty voter-suppression law, it is a shitty voter-suppression law. So ruleth Judge Robert L. Hinkle about Florida's ALEC-written mess that has caused Democratic registrations to drop off a cliff:
Wow! Sometimes this thing really works!
A federal judge said Wednesday he would permanently remove harsh restrictions on third-party voter registration groups that have handicapped registration efforts in Florida this year. U.S. District Judge Robert L. Hinkle said he would grant a motion to permanently remove the restrictions once he receives confirmation that a federal appeals court has dismissed the case (the state of Florida has agreed to dismiss their appeal). The suit was originally filed back in December by the League of Women Voters of Florida, Rock the Vote, and the Florida Public Interest Research Group Education Fund.
It's a huge barrier lifted and, yes, there will be time to register a ton of voters by election day. Meanwhile, Governor Rick Scott gets a new trophy for his mantle: "Attempted Election Thief." It'll look so nice next to the one marked "Medicare Fraudster." His kids must be so proud.
CHEERS to Point & Laugh, Day Three. It all comes down to this, kids. After last night's embarrassment of rhetorical vapidity and gross dishonesty on the part of every single speaker (what was the title of that PDB again, Condi?), the final night of the convention promises a non-stop blur of balloons, elephant hats, beer hats, gun hats, Jesus hats, American flags being abused every which way, bobbing signs, and a wild and untethered display of mild enthusiasm. Here's the lineup:
Birther, Obstructionist, Birther, Teabagger, Birther, Philandering Moon Colonist, Romney Spawn, The Smart Bush Who Will Never Be President, White Guy, White Guy, Token Woman, Olympians (Did you know Mitt Romney saved the Olympics??? He did! He did!), Senator Creamy McDreamy (FL), Mystery Speaker (Clint? Pokemon? Reagan's ghost?), and then…LADIES AND GENTLEMAN GIVE IT UP FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUR!!! (mitt.) (romney.)
Here's tonight's drinking game: drink.
JEERS to furry ambushes. On August 30, 1979, President Carter was attacked by a giant rabbit:
Jimmy Carter shoos away a wascally swamp wabbit.
Carter was alone in a small fishing boat when a swamp rabbit, a species of large cottontail, began swimming toward his boat. He turned the frightened and agitated rabbit away with a paddle. Several months later he jokingly mentioned it to press secretary Jody Powell, who repeated it offhandedly to a reporter. To Powell's horror, The Washington Post headlined "President Attacked by Rabbit." Carter was lampooned by turns as crazy, weak, and ineffective.
Our guess: it was Karl Rove in a bunny suit.
JEERS to advice we did not ask for. Rudy Giuliani opened his yap to say something besides "9/11" yesterday. Namely that the presidential race comes down to a choice between "Mr. Competent" and "Mr. Cool." This is true. President Obama is definitely competent. And Mitt Romney is definitely cool. I mean that literally. He has to be or else his circuitry starts to sputter and spark. So Mr. Competent it is! (On a related note: after this convention, Rudy goes into hibernation for four more years, right? Please God.)
Quick! DON'T think of an
L on Ben Quayle's forehead!
CHEERS to a bitch called karma. Remember when Dan Quayle's entitled son, Ben, ran for Congress in Arizona and got swept in on the 2010 tea party tide? Remember the ad he ran to get there? Here, let me
remind you:
"Barack Obama is the worst president in history.
My generation will inherit a weakened country. Drug cartels in Mexico. Tax cartels in D.C. What's happened to America? I love Arizona. I was raised right. Somebody has to go to Washington and knock the hell out of the place."
That somebody, according to his Arizona district's voters…is no longer Ben Quayle. After one measly term notable only for his little
moonlight swim in the Sea of Galilee, primary opponent David Schweikert
knocked the hell out of him. Moral of the story: don’t bring penny loafers to a shit-kicker fight. The other moral of the story: Ha Ha!!!
CHEERS to "One ringy dingy...Two ringy dingy..." On August 30, 1963, a hotline was set up between Moscow and D.C. for the purpose of keeping the superpowers in constant contact during emergencies. It worked really well. In fact we hear an aide to Khrushchev is still shuffling around Red Square looking for Amanda Hugginkiss.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 30, 2007
"Help us, Freddiewan Kenobi.
You are our only hope."
JEERS to Snailman. After months of announcing that he was going to announce if he was going to announce, yesterday Fred Thompson---are you sitting down?---announced that he was going to announce! The pre-announcement announcement prompted a ripple of pre-announcement announcements among the media's self-appointed pre-announcement announcement announcers. Sometimes politics is exciting, and sometimes it's…this.
JEERS to the warmongers. If Juan Cole's sources are correct, Dick Cheney and his Orcs in the conservative media are preparing for an all-out September assault on the hearts and minds of Americans in advance of war with Iran. Unfortunately for them, the IAEA says Iran is cooperating with them, and is producing less nuclear fuel than expected. And in other news, Dick Cheney and his Orcs in the conservative media are preparing for an all-out assault on the IAEA. (Does this ever end?)
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And just one more…
JEERS to same hypocrites, different year. I went looking back through old C&Js this week to re-read what I wrote about Hurricane Katrina in 2005. I think this is worth reposting, if only to put the current wankery of Paul Ryan and his "deficit hawks" into perspective. Follow me into the Great GOP Money Pit. Keep in mind that this doesn't even include Republican spending from '06, '07 and '08. Behold the Republican brand of fiscal conservatism…
They Approved $54.4 billion for the Iraq War (enacted in April 2003)...plus $70.6 billion (enacted November 2003)...plus $21.5 billion (passed as part of regular appropriations for the Department of Defense for fiscal year 2005)...plus $58 billion (enacted April 2005). Our war of choice is costing us $5.6 billion per month and that's just peachy to them.
They rammed a $530 billion Medicare bill through Congress in the middle of the night and that felt soooo goooood. (the original price tag, you might remember, was $400 billion. But what's $130 billion among friends?)
This was nice: a $14.5 billion energy bill that, according to the president, doesn't do a damn thing to reduce our dependence on foreign oil, but does give financial hoochie-koochies to the oil companies which they can stack on top of their record-breaking profits. Suh-weeet!
How about $2.2 trillion in tax cuts for the rich---during wartime even! Or a pork-laden $286 billion transportation bill. That's orgasmotastic!
And while we're at it, let's not forget Social Security privatization, which would toss at least another $1 trillion onto the pile.
But...funding for relief efforts to help victims of the worst natural disaster in our nation's 229-year history? Well...that's cause for grave concern by Republican "fiscal conservatives." From The Chicago Tribune:
"We have to be there for the families and the communities, but we also have an obligation to the rest of the American people and to future generations," says Rep. Mike Pence (R-Indiana). … "When figures start flowing up to $200 billion, I have concerns. $1 billion is a lot of money," says Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama).
God Bless the Fiscally Conservative United States of America.
Why is the GOP still a viable political party? And where was the tea party back then, when all this profligate spending was saddling the country with so much soul-crushing debt? I know, I know…best to not clutter up my pretty little head with such unanswerable questions.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“We had managers that communicated to our work force that attendance in Cheers and Jeers was mandatory, but no one was forced to attend."
---Rob Moore
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