Since you yourself have described me as “one of America’s most notable Republicans,” (1) I thought I would demonstrate my personal loyalty to the GOP cause by offering you some heartfelt advice.
I gather from recent new reports that you have taken to what I believe young people call “riffing” on the Pledge of Allegiance, adding interpolations that point out the iniquities of the current Marxist/crony capitalist, Muslim/godless, pathetically enfeebled/ authoritarian regime. As one of your closest advisers, I feel obliged to point out the dangers inherent in this text and respectfully suggest the following caveats or “fine print,” which we in the business world regard as our Holy Writ.
I pledge (2) allegiance (3) to the Flag (4) of the United States of America (5), and to the Republic (6) for which it stands, one Nation (7) under God (8), indivisible (9), with liberty and justice for all (10).
Of course, any implied notion of loyalty to the nation will be moot if we spot a political advantage, as you have demonstrated by courageously attacking the Obama administration while US embassies are besieged and diplomats murdered. I personally subscribe to this notion of fidelity and will therefore remain faithful to your cause, Mitt, until a better offer comes along. Some principles are inviolate.
(1) In an unsolicited campaign letter sent to the author: see Mitt and Me 1.
(2) “Pledge” seems a bit strong, doesn’t it? How about “guarantee according to the terms and conditions below”?
(3) Again, this term raises eyebrows for men of business such as you and me. I can’t see a quid pro quo in this concept of allegiance. How about “a leveraged buyout with covenant light debt”? This sounds much more like your bag.
(4) Flags! Who doesn’t love flags? But don’t we need to throw a bone to our “culture of life” voters and make the phrase “Flag and Fetuses”? Gotta love that alliteration.
(5) OK, it’s pretty hard to get around this one—this being the name of the country that you hope to lead and all. But would the addition of a discreet “TM” or “Inc.” or “PLC” after the US of A do any harm? This is what we call branding. Get with the program, for Pete’s sake.
Of course, we understand that pledging allegiance to a country does not necessarily involve putting a “blind trust” in it. That's what Switzerland and the Cayman Islands are for.
(6) The word “Republic” does unfortunately contain the word “public.” Now I’m not suggesting that we change this term in public, but considering who is bankrolling us we need to read this term as “oligarchy,” or “plutocracy,” in private. Or how about re-branding the term “country club” for our vision of government? That seems much more our style.
(7) “Nation”? Sure, we believe in national sovereignty when we’re busy building a crocodile-filled moat along the Mexican border, but I ask you, Mitt, do we in the multinational corporate world really subscribe to the notion of national boundaries? No, our vision is of a world without frontiers, where capital and labor can circulate freely according to the whims of multinational corporations. It’s a bit like that John Lennon song “Imagine,” but with less of that hippy-dippy guff.
(8) We can’t get anywhere without the Big Guy, can we? (Even though your own religion is theologically irreconcilable with that of the evangelical Protestants that we’re wooing so assiduously.) I particularly like your claim that you would keep the word “God” on our money, when no one intends to remove it. But couldn’t we just cut out the middleman, along with all that awkward theology, and just worship the Almighty Dollar itself? We can all agree on that.
(9) Except according to gender, ethnicity, class, sexual orientation, income, disability, and political ideology. Obviously.
(10) Offer may not apply to anyone seeking to cast a ballot in the 33 states that have restricted voting rights, gays and lesbians who want to marry and/or serve in the military, anyone found to be Hispanic in Arizona, or any woman who seeks control of her own body. Sheesh. Did you even read the platform?