like so many other kossacks now are struggling - the gimp wrote this week of a very dark place. i, too, know that place well.
for the first election ever, i am deleting emails without reading because even the three dollars being asked are outside what i can do.
i have to move. i can no longer afford my little cottage - it is five hundred more per month than i take in on social security and my landlords (who are wonderful) can no longer wait for my mom's estate to settle. the reason why it hasn't yet is a totally different, sad story. one day i'll share that one, but it will not happen for some time to come and without much sorrow and loss. so, in the immediate now, i am facing, once again, being without permanent walls i can call my own. i had someone who offered temporary shelter but today that fell through. i have another friend who has offered to hold my things, but for now, i will be rudderless.
adding to the mix, on oct. 10, the docs have scheduled my hand surgery to replace two knuckles in my left hand that no longer bend. if i want to be able to remain self sufficient, this surgery and the future one on my right hand is a necessity. that is the one thing about being below the poverty level right now, i am eligible for coverage under medicare and medicaid without a co-pay (otherwise this surgery would not be possible). now i'm facing canceling my surgery and looking at getting my little motor home smogged and moving into it. even moving into the rv still isn't cheap - the lowest rv space rental is almost as much as an apartment (to keep out the "riff raff" IF they will even take an older motor home). in this area, the local communities have outlawed parking overnight to prevent people in motorhomes from sleeping in their vehicles - so, this option isn't a good one.
if you've stuck with me so far, there's more...
first of all, i am scared. i never admit such things - mostly even to myself - but i've never been under general anesthesia and only once have i been in hospital (when i broke my back). even then, i drove myself to the hospital (with a burst L-1) and the day after being released, i was driving in my clamshell to Hangar to get them to correct the fit.
independent is my first, last and middle name. this time, without someone to drive me home and stay with me the first night, the hospital won't do the surgery. they plan to "heavily medicate" me for five days - i have other ideas 8^).
so, i have a friend who offered to stay with me that first night after surgery and i am confident i won't need the heavy dope (i don't feel pain, which is both a blessing and a curse). i'm hoping within five days to be back driving and independent. actually, i HAVE to be since i will only have another two weeks to get moved after the surgery. now that i'm not even sure where that will be, i'm looking at canceling the surgery. driving the motor home with one hand while on painkillers isn't an option.
sigh.
so, between now and the 10th, i'm doing a major push to make jewelry while i can still use my hand again if i do get the surgery, pack up my cottage to move into storage and i'll be looking for a room in a house to share. i can no longer afford to have my own place for now. time is critical, as for so many of us here, it is also unforgiving. so, if any of you have wondered why i've been mostly silent this political go round, this is why. somehow, i think this is what the republicans hoped would happen when they set out to tank the economy and put so many of us out of work. i never planned to "retire" at 63 - now that i turn 67 in a week, i don't see a working future for me other than what i can do on my on - that is why the surgery was so important. as i lose function in my hands, i lose the ability to make things happen.
some day, i'll share the other story about why this should not be happening - the one that has left me in so sad and so mired in poverty, but that isn't today. some day, one day, i won't have this struggle - but for now, for the next number of months until my mom's estate is settled, it is my life and i'm stuck with it, so i'll try to turn this into something full of beauty and find peace in the energy of nature, the wonder of my old pony, the belief that things will change - eventually. and i'll try to keep my heart from breaking - knowing you all are here helps more than i can ever say. it is just that it keeps getting harder and harder to keep smiling...
i hope you don't mind if i don't stick around - i've got to get out of here for a bit. i'll be back later... when i'm not so depressed. that's what sani does for me - he gives me a reason to keep on going on.