From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
ENTER… Mitt's House of Horror!!!
Welcome, human biological units, to the dwelling where all your fears become reality, and your greatest nightmares come to life…
Reince Priebus greets you at the
entrance to Mitt's House of Horror.
SEE! Mitt's Magic Mirror of Moderation, which can make even the most twisted, radical conservative kook look like a kindly father figure in a Cardigan.
SEE! The Dungeon of Disaster, where floods, hurricanes and other natural calamities threaten to destroy you and your loved ones because Mitt Romney has defunded FEMA and left disaster management to the states, which are all broke. Bwoo ha ha!!!
SEE! The Bridge to Austerity, which gets more rickety the further you go as the foundations of Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid crumble beneath your feet and you quickly find yourself hanging by a thread.
SEE! The Mausoleum of Music Manglers, where your ears will bleed and you'll beg for mercy as you find yourself surrounded by Mitt, Meat Loaf and Ted Nugent in a creepy cacophonous chorus of America the Beautiful.
SEE! Paul Ryan's Spooky Soup Kitchen, where the dishes---[Poof!!!]---wash themselves!
SEE! The One Percent Den, where creepy billionaires with silver spoons in their rotting mouths threaten to fire you unless you agree to fill their champagne glasses and vote against Barack Obama.
SEE! The Michele Bachmann Room, a brightly-lit, pleasantly appointed nook in which Michele Bachmann sits quietly, her googly eyes following you everywhere without moving. Possibly the scariest room in the house.
HEAR! The creepy stillness in the Grotto of No Comment. Ask the giant floating Romney Head about FEMA, abortion, his taxes, immigration, Medicare, JEEP, Bain Capital, student loans, overturning Roe vs. Wade, his time as governor of liberal Taxachusetts or any other issue between now and November 6th and you'll be met with an eerie silence and an icy stare that that will chill your very soul.
And be sure to bring along Fido for a terrorizing ride down Diarrhea Drive on top of Mitt's Station Wagon of Woe!
If you're lucky enough to survive your trip through Mitt's House of Horror, take the car elevator to the gift shop where you can purchase cheesy grits, chocolate baked goodies and tree saplings that are just the right height.
From Mitt Romney to all you lazy little moochers: Happy Shalloween
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Note: Here we go again: "I vant to suck your blood." [Sigh] There. I said it. Same time next year?
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til election day: 6
Days 'til Atlantic hurricane season ends: 30
Estimated number of people who lost power over a 15-state swath during Superstorm Sandy: 7.9 million
Inches of snow Bowden, West Virginia got during the storm: 24
(Source: CNN)
Height of the waves in Lake Ontario as a result of the storm: 20 feet
(Source: WGRZ TV)
Percent chance that home prices rose almost everywhere in America in August, another sign of a steady recovery: 100%
(Source: AP)
Percent of the Obama and Romney masks sold through the Spirit Halloween costume chain that are, respectively, Obama masks and Romney masks: 60%, 40%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 5 gogs and some unexpected visitors). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
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JEERS to the icing on the worst-case scenario cake. As superstorm Sandy takes its curtain call after leaving a water-soaked, snow-covered, fire-ravaged, tree-strewn stain on the year 2012, the cleanup continues today. So far: impressive coordination between big and little governments (I think Chris Christie wants to marry President Obama---not that there's anything wrong with that), and the cleanup and relief crews are working with their usual unassuming efficiency. New York City will get pumped out, New Jersey will clean up its beaches, West Virginia will plow through the snow, evacuees will head back home and life will continue. As long as the nukes behave, anyway. Yeah…nukes:
C&Jers take part in a kiddie
pool radiation readiness drill.
The nation's oldest nuclear plant declared an alert and a second plant just 40 miles from New York City was forced to shut down power as five different nuke plants in Hurricane Sandy's path experienced problems during the storm. Indian Point in Buchanan, New York, on the Hudson River north of New York City, automatically shut power to its unit 3 on Monday night "as a result of an electrical grid disturbance," according to Entergy, the plant's operator. […]
Operators also declared an alert at the nation's oldest nuclear plant, Oyster Creek in Lacey Township, New Jersey, on Monday evening after the center of Sandy made landfall, "due to water exceeding certain high water level criteria in the plant's water intake structure." The alert level is the "the second lowest of four action levels," as defined by the NRC. Exelon Corporation, the owner of the plant, said in a statement that there was "no threat to the public health or safety" from the situation.
And what if there was? Golly, wouldn’t radiation have been a swell thing to have to deal with in Gotham on top of everything else? On the other hand, Hazmat: The Musical has possibilities! [Jazz hands-in-rubber-gloves!!!]
JEERS to ending it as he started it. Mitt Romney's final pitch to Ohioans is, like his opening pitch lo those many months ago, a pack of outright lies that his campaign refuses to correct. Let me give you an analogy to illustrate Romney's logic---and please pay attention because I can only write this once before my fingers knot up into a gnarled ball of pain:
"Gee, Daddy, when I grow up
I'm gonna be just not like you!"
President Obama is to blame for allowing cuckoo clock makers in Switzerland to make cuckoo clocks and sell them to China instead of bringing all those Swiss cuckoo clock jobs here to Ohio so we can make those Swiss cuckoo clocks and sell them to China. Oh, and I read somewhere, maybe on the back of a gum wrapper, that we're firing all our American Swiss cuckoo clock makers in Ohio and sending their jobs to Switzerland so they can make them there and sell them to China.
Emphasis on "cuckoo."
P.S. Meanwhile, President Obama travels to New Jersey today to do some grown-up president things like make sure the cleanup from the killer storm is moving as quickly and efficiently as possible. Message: he cares. Reality: he cares.
JEERS to really big heads. On this date in 1941, Mount Rushmore was deemed "completed" after 14 years of blasting and chiseling, but only because they'd run out of money. The monument is an eyesore and insult to the native Americans there, and it's more a testament to its creator's ego than anything else. Still, I kinda wish they'd finished it---I hear George Washington's codpiece would've been 180-feet wide.
CHEERS to strong hearts and clear lungs. Smoking bans---they work:
Don't tread on my lungs!
Smoking bans quickly and dramatically cut the number of people hospitalized for heart attacks, strokes and respiratory diseases such as asthma and emphysema, an analysis out Monday shows. Heart attack hospitalizations fell an average of 15% after communities passed laws banning smoking in areas such as restaurants, bars and workplaces, according to the largest analysis of smoke-free legislation to date. The analysis included 45 studies covering 33 laws in American cities and states, as well as countries such as New Zealand and Germany.
A similar effect was observed with head injuries after communities banned falling pianos.
CHEERS to uniformity. On this date in 1868, Postmaster General Alexander Williams Randall approved a standard uniform for postal carriers. He revised the look a year later because in the winter the assless chaps were giving too many carriers frostbite.
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Four years ago in C&J: October 31, 2008
CHEERS to getting gay married. A new Field Poll is out in California (I understand they're very accurate), and the 'Ixnay on Proposhizzle 8' side is ahead by 5 points. With Democrats expected to swamp Republicans at the polls Tuesday, it looks like the 'Yes on 8' crowd is headed for defeat by a whisker. This will surely upset the Mormons in Utah, who poured millions into trying to defeat same-sex marriage because they say it's silly and weird. In fact, if Prop. 8 doesn’t go their way, they plan to fly to the Planet Kolob in their magic underpants and lodge a complaint. [10/31/12 Update: And the rest, as they say, is really messy history: Prop. 8 passed, a federal judge called it unconstitutional, his ruling passed through two (or was it three?) appeals courts, and now the Supreme Court says it will consider on November 20th whether they'll take on the case or let the ruling stand. If the latter, we'll get a decision by next spring. Sheesh. Justice at the speed of tortoise.]
CHEERS to the growing heap of big losers. Let's check the tote board and see how many states the Republicans have gotten clobbered in over frivolous attempts to disenfranchise voters: Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Nevada, Ohio, Colorado, and New Mexico. Perhaps they should take up shuffleboard? [10/31/12 Update: Four years later, Republicans are just as bad, if not worse, in their efforts to take away voting rights from as many left-leaning citizens as possible. They will never stop doing this until our side passes some serious reform. Which pretty much means they will never stop doing this.]
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And just one more…
"Junior! You put Congressman
Boehner's head back this instant!"
CHEERS to Halloween. The weather is going to be a bit iffy this evening, but we're hoping for a decent turnout as the BiPM household readies itself for the annual pitter-patter of li'l ghoul and goblin feet on the porch. (Bonus: our screen door makes an unnerving
Squeeeeak when you open it…bwoo ha ha.) As we plop their exclusive treat into their little plastic pumpkins and bags, we'll offer our usual free advice: "When you've drained the bottle, kids, don’t forget to swallow the worm."
Have a nice Wednesday. Piss off a Republican today: vote. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
If ever there were a symbol of modern America, Cheers and Jeers would be it.
---David Atkins
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