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As documented by our intrepid paleo-pundits in Part 1 and Part 2, the Grim Reaper has had a busy few days culling craven Cretaceous lifeforms from our midst in the Great Right-Wing Mass Extinctions. His task has been made all the more difficult by the petulant death-throes of his targets, who will not shuffle off this mortal coil without one last shock-and-awe outburst. No matter, though. The Reaper has all the time in the world, and he loves a good show. Let them thrash and slash and beg for more cash. It's all good.

From Anorexasaurus coulterii to Bloviasaurus limbaughii, the Reaper has claimed them all, small or large. Even great wealth was no defense, as Trumpasaurus thedonaldii, Casinosaurus adelsonii, and even Brontosaurus romneii have succumbed at last to their well-deserved fates. Those who defied the reaper, like Venomasaurus allenwestii, will still be reduced to just their BTU value as they're flung, one after another, into the flaming volcano of truthiness. Those who raged against the females of the world like the witless Legitimasaurus toddakinii and the dour GiftfromGodasaurus mourdockii found that mother nature has a way of shutting down that whole thing. The Baggasaurs, having overreached the limits of their limbic brains, were left licking their wounds (or as some have said, implementing B. romneii's health care plan).

Trying desperately to persuade Reaper to give him just a little more time to migrate to a subcontinent without extradition is the hapless PACasaurus karlroveii. Seriously, he'd be better off with the Reaper than facing the hordes of angry Donorsaurs who are just now realizing that they've been pawns in a paleo-Ponzi-scheme of epic proportions. P. karlroveii seems to have forgotten who hangs out at the Crossroads. Yeah, that's right: Satanasaurus. That dude is not interested in hearing any more whiny excuses.

All in all, it's been a great couple of days to be a mammal, as "reptile dysfunction" has finally led to the dawning of a new day. There are still some pestilential pests who need to be culled, and the Reaper is doing his best to keep up with the heavy demands on his time and resources. Today we turn our attentions to some more Mesozoic misfits who have outlived whatever usefulness they might have had.

The Kochasaurs (K. charlii and K. davidii), who found that not only can money not buy happiness, it can't buy elections either. While not extinct just yet, these two can only shun the Reaper for a while longer as reality seeps into their cash-filled underground bunker. In the end, it would have been cheaper (and more productive) if they'd simply paid their taxes and STFU, but that's not how the Onepercentasaurs operate. Their perversion of social Darwinism requires [gasp] massive wealth distribution, to them, as millions fall through the shredded safety net. No worries, they would say, poor people are a dime a dozen, literally!

Witlessaurus reincepriebusii, having failed in every possible way that someone in his position could have failed, provided little resistence when the Reaper showed up at his door. Other than a few feeble excuses uttered in his final moments, the only mark that this witless Wisconsinasaur has left on the fossil record is... wait. It's here somewhere. Hang on. I'll find it in a second...

B. romneii's demise dragged along the hydration-challenged Prevaricasaurus paulryanii, the wunderkind of Randian economics. As B. Romneii himself proclaimed - repeatedly - choosing this juvenile Congressasaur as his running mate was his Best Decision Ever since selecting Dressageasaurus cruella to be his life mate. Young P. paulryanii, a stranger to the truth, had a great future planned for himself as the next Megalomaniasaurus dickcheneyii. But we've met M. dickcheneyii, dude, and you're no M. dickcheneyii.  Back to your little seat in Congress. Buh-bye.

Right-wing Punditasaurs are still searching in vain for some explanation to how their pronouncements could have been so far off base. Latinosaurs, voter fraud, skewed polls, women, Hurricane Sandy, Behenasaurus christii, canid-eaten homework assignments... they've turned to any possible excuse other than Global Warming and the Coriolus effect. Or the possibility that they fielded craven, antidiluvian candidates who wanted to turn back the clock to Paleozoic times.

In their quest for answers, the Fauxasaurs have turned to their best and brightest, such as the word-salad-spewing Griftasaurus palinii, who has endless time on her hands and is always ready to share her vast (or half-vast) knowledge and insights with the end-of-days shut-ins who watch Faux News.

Even with three installments, our listing is rapidly evolving and not intended to be a complete taxonomic iteration of the mass extinctions. Please contribute additional suggestions for the Reaper in the Comments section. This isn't a peer-reviewed publication; it's better than that, as your intrepid diarist proudly counts among her commenters the most intelligent, insightful, literate, and best-looking members of the Daily Kos community ;-)

Originally posted to cassandracarolina's fossil record on Sat Nov 10, 2012 at 09:21 AM PST.

Also republished by Hydrant.


Why did the GOPasaurs go extinct?

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