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A funny short story about the triumph and perils of endless recursions in meta-analysis. NOT a critique of meta-analysis itself. Originally published at my blog, Malark-O-Meter (and reproduced in its entirety here). At Malark-O-Meter, I do statistical analysis of fact checker report cards and try in vain to influence election prediction methodology.

Once upon a time, there was a land called the United States of America, which was ruled by a shapeshifter whose physiognomy and political party affiliation was recast every four years by an electoral vote, itself a reflection of the vote of the people. For centuries, the outcome of the election had been foretold by a cadre of magicians and wizards collectively known as the Pundets. Gazing into their crystal balls at the size of crowds at political rallies, they charted the course of the shapeshifting campaign. They were often wrong, but people listened to them anyway.

Then, from the labyrinthine caves beneath the Marginuvera Mountains emerged a troglodyte race known as the Pulstirs. Pasty of skin and snarfy in laughter, they challenged the hegemony of the Pundet elite by crafting their predictions from the collective utterances of the populace. Trouble soon followed. Some of the powerful new Pulstir craftsmen forged alliances with one party or another. And as more and more Pulstirs emerged from Marginuvera, they conducted more and more puls.

The greatest trouble came, unsurprisingly, from the old Pundet guard in their ill-fated attempts to merge their decrees with Pulstir findings. Unable to cope with the number of puls, unwilling to so much as state an individual pul's marginuvera, the Pundet's predictions confused the people more than it informed them.

Then, one day, unbeknownst to one another, rangers emerged from the Forests of Metta Analisis. Long had each of them observed the Pundets and Pulstirs from afar. Long had they anguished over the amount of time the Pundets spent bullshyting about what the ruler of America would look like after election day rather than discussing in earnest the policies that the shapeshifter would adopt. Long had the rangers shaken their fists at the sky every time Pundets with differing loyalties supported their misbegotten claims with a smattering of gooseberry-picked puls. Long had the rangers tasted vomit at the back of their throats whenever the Pundets at Sea-en-en jabbered about it being a close race when one possible shapeshifting outcome had been on average trailing the other by several points in the last several fortnights of puls.

Each ranger retreated to a secluded cave, where they used the newfangled signal torches of the Intyrnet to broadcast their shrewd aggregation of the Pulstir's predictions. There, they persisted on a diet of espresso, Power Bars, and drops of Mountain Dew. Few hours they slept. In making their predictions, some relied only on the collective information of the puls. Others looked as well to fundamental trends of prosperity in each of America's states.

Pundets on all (by that, we mean both) sides questioned the rangers' methods, scoffed at the certainty with which the best of them predicted that the next ruler of America would look kind of like a skinny Nelson Mandela, and would support similar policies to the ones he supported back when he had a bigger chin and lighter skin, was lame of leg, and harbored great fondness for elegantly masculine cigarette holders.

On election day, it was the rangers who triumphed, and who collectively became known as the Quants, a moniker that was earlier bestowed upon another group of now disgraced, but equally pasty rangers who may have helped usher in the Great Recession of the early Second Millennium. The trouble is that the number of Quants had increased due to the popularity and controversy surrounding their predictions. While most of the rangers correctly predicted the physiognomy of the president, they had differing levels of uncertainty in the outcome, and their predictions fluctuated to different degrees over the course of the lengthy campaign.

Soon after the election, friends of the Quants, who had also trained in the Forests of Metta Analisis, made a bold suggestion. They argued that, just as the Quants had aggregated the puls to form better predictions about the outcome of the election, we could aggregate the aggregates to make our predictions yet more accurate.

Four years later, the Meta-Quants broadcast their predictions alongside those of the original Quants. Sure enough, the Meta-Quants predicted the outcome with greater accuracy and precision than the original Qaunts.

Soon after the election, friends of the Meta-Quants, who had also trained in the Forests of Metta Analsis, made a bold suggestion. They argued that, just as the Meta-Quants had aggregated the Quants to form better predictions about the outcome of the election, we could aggregate the aggregates of the aggregates to make even better predictions.

Four years later, the Meta-Meta-Quants broadcast their predictions alongside those of the Quants and the Meta-Quants. Sure enough, the Meta-Meta-Quants predicted the outcome with somewhat better accuracy and precision than the Meta-Quants, but not as much better as the Meta-Quants had over the Quants. Nobody really paid attention to that part of it.

Which is why, soon after the election, friends of the Meta-Meta-Quants, who had also trained in the Forests of Metta Analisis, made a bold suggestion. They argued that, just as the Meta-Meta-Quants had aggregated the Meta-Quants to form better predictions about the outcome of the election, we could aggregate the aggregates of the aggregates of the aggregates to make even better predictions.

...

One thousand years later, the (Meta x 253)-Quants broadcast their predictions alongside those of all the other types of Quants. By this time, 99.9999999% of Intyrnet communication was devoted to the prediction of the next election, and the rest was devoted to the prediction of the election after that. A Dyson Sphere was constructed around the sun to power the syrvers necessary to compute and communicate the prediction models of the (Meta x 253)-Quants, plus all the other types of Quants. Unfortunately, most of the brilliant people in the Solar System were employed making predictions about elections. Thus the second-rate constructors of the Dyson Sphere accidentally built its shell within the orbit of Earth, blocking out the sun and eventually causing the extinction of life on the planet.

The end.

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