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I know that this is an anonymous diary and coming out on it is probably strange to do, but after thinking about the possibility of DOMA reaching its way to the Supreme Court and given the ongoing discussion on gay marriage, repairative therapy, and equality, I thought it'd be good to take the truth and use it to wipe away the idiocy surrounding the debate on this issue.  This diary will get personal and may include some things that may be too direct and make you uncomfortable, but we're dealing with human sexuality, and this is a core issue that requires an honest and unblinking investigation.  This is a longer diary, but it's important.  Here goes.

I'm bisexual.  And there is nothing I can do about it.

I can attest to the veracity of the second part.  There is nothing I can do about it.  I am attracted to people of both sexes and that's the way it is.  Nothing can change that.  I know because I tried.  Human sexuality is central to all of us.  Being attracted to each other on many levels, both platonic and sexual, is the social glue that binds us as humans.  You cannot take your sexuality and beat it into your desired shape like a sheet of metal.  

Believe me I tried.

In college I knew I was bisexual, but I thought that it was God's curse.  I knew I was bisexual.  I thought it must have been some personal moral failing on my part.  After all, the kind and loving God of my childhood, the God that guided my mother and protected us, would never curse me by making me born with a sin that would ultimately lead me to eternal hellfire.  The beneficent God and the morbid prankster God could not be one in the same.  I just needed to exercise more.  I grew up without a father, so maybe it was an unconscious desire for him.  Maybe I had a hormonal imbalance or I just didn't pray enough during the day.  God was testing my character like Job.

Suppressing your sexuality is futile.  You can't do it, and here's why: it's always there.  It's always operating in the background and it's always "on."  I used to congratulate myself for finding a girl attractive, but would berate myself if I found a man attractive.  I knew I found girls attractive because I'd get a pull in my chest and butterflies in my stomach for certain ones, but when I felt the same thing for men, I'd beat myself up.  I used to work in a cafeteria.  There were tons of people.  I'd see a cute girl, and I'd feel good, but then I'd see a guy with big biceps coming back from the gym...gotta suppress it!  I'd take my sexuality, wrap my hands around its throat, and squeeze it down.  I'd get a few minutes of reprieve.  After all, I was able to discipline myself and that's what God wanted, right?  I could relax and take a second to breathe, and then I'd see a big middle eastern guy with nice dark hair and a rugged beard....suppress it again!

What eventually ends up happening is you spend the day in total stress.  By the end of the week you are in torture.  If I didn't have to suppress it, I could just think what I wanted, be attracted to who I wanted, and regulate those feelings.  But, I couldn't.  You start telling God it's too hard.  No one should have to carry that kind of burden.  Exercise didn't help.  Eating better didn't help.  Prayer resulted in nothing.  Week after week, you take a beating.  You can't just enjoy yourself.  Looking at people you're attracted to is not supposed to be torture, and just looking doesn't necessarily result in sex, or really anything.  Sex is supposed to be part of a satisfying relationship where you build something of lasting value with your partner.

When you spend week after week fighting battle after battle, you get tired.  You get weak.  When the 18th dark haired guy walks by, you don't have it in you to suppress it.  You end up...making poor decisions.  I'll let you fill in the blanks.  You wake up one morning tortured by what you've just done.  You've put yourself in danger of getting sick.  You used poor judgement and you feel like an idiot.  You're smart.  Smart people like you don't let things like that happen.  What's worse, you have to face the fact of what you are.  You liked it.  You have proof now.  For a brief instance, you must face the truth of what you enjoy.  The problem is, it's not the relationship of love, trust, and security that you are supposed to have.  You know that's what would be better, but now you're all confused.  You feel ashamed and used.

That night I thought about taking my own life.  I felt if I was going to hell then living an additional 30 years wouldn't make much difference.  I had failed God's test.  He hated me.  It would be quick and I'd be gone.  But then, I calmed down when a voice inside told me to pray, but pray quietly.  I prayed earnestly that night.  I was furious.  It wasn't fair.  It wasn't like I wasn't trying.  I was really putting forth the effort.  I would give anything to get rid of my feelings.  I tried to bargain my way out.  The room went deathly silent.  I was completely alone.  I heard a quiet, clear voice that was not my own.  It came from...the back of my mind, out of someplace I didn't know, like someone peaking in from outside the room, saying something, and then just as quietly disappearing.  It also wasn't quite a voice.  It was a blend of words and ideas, but not my own, rather inserted into my consciousness.  

It said my sexuality was already decided and there was nothing I could do to change it.  Move on.

It was a cold response.  It lacked any love or coddling.  The judge banged his gavel and everyone was clearing out the courtroom.  That was it.  No appellate courts or backroom deals.  I was me and that was it.  The last thing I remember was the idea that "Under no circumstances was I to take my own life."  I sat silent for the next hour on the floor.  I felt awful.  It took me years to get out of the cycle of self suppression and endangering myself.  I decided that if God is beneficent, then he was telling me that he made certain decisions about me before hand for his own reasons and they're not negotiable.  However since my life was still of value, it couldn't mean that I was a sinner, but that everyone who ever told me I was, was lying or ignorant.  

People should not only be able to marry the people they love, but they should not have to feel that they must torture themselves because society rejects them.  Gay marriage is not just an equality issue.  It's about the mental health of thousands of people who just want the freedom to express themselves as they are, without having to fight losing battles.  If everyone's life is precious and counts, then no one is born damned.  Let's hope the justices keep this in mind.

Originally posted to sujigu on Sat Dec 15, 2012 at 08:46 PM PST.

Also republished by LGBT Kos Community and Community Spotlight.

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