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Often it seems like the consequences of both stupidity and intelligence just end up being spread around to everyone equally regardless of their relative contribution, so on balance it ends up that mind-numbing ignorance is rewarded and thoughtful behavior punished.  We must end this intellectual Marxism and impose some rigorous accountability, starting with this Mayan apocalypse bullshit.  It's fun to explore mythology and indulge in zeitgeist, but when you take fairy tales and children's stories seriously, you my friend are a moron and need to be mercilessly mocked and exploited.  You need to have a dunce cap super-glued to your head and be paraded before the normals like a circus monkey.  So here are the top 5 ways to exploit dumb people's fears of the Mayan apocalypse.


5.  Get them on video talking about what they expect to happen, then after Dec. 21 let them bid against their friends and coworkers for possession of the recording.

"Well, gosh, I really think the Lord is coming for us on December 21st, and the skies will darken and the Whore of Babylon will rise up out of the seas and eat the non-believers..."  No one wants their boss and coworkers hearing them talk like that, but good thing the world is about to end so that they can finally open up about their apocalyptic feelings.  They've been having these thoughts ever since their eyes were opened by that emotional and intellectual powerhouse Roland Emmerich movie, "2012," and now as the End Nears, they can be honest about it and tell you exactly what they feel in their gut and in their soul is going to happen.  And you can get it on the record.  And then offer them the opportunity to buy that record back from you when not a damn thing happens.

4.  Trade them a dozen rolls of toilet paper for the tiny and relatively useless amount of paper on $100 bills.

Granted, you will have to find someone particularly stupid to pull this off, since merely being superstitious and irrational doesn't necessarily mean they don't know they can just use less money to buy a lot more toilet paper than you're offering them.  But it's really all a matter of salesmanship: Their currency will be useful for only two things after the apocalypse, if indeed any still survive - toilet paper and kindling - whereas you are offering to stock them up with loads of either or both in trade for the teency amount of paper in their money.  Even though they'll be embarrassed and enraged on Dec. 22nd, they will still have lots of toilet paper, so that's one less item they'll have to shop for over the next few months - which is good since they won't have any money to buy it with anyway.

3.  Get them to sign gruesomely lopsided contracts that only take affect after Dec. 21st.

Tell you what.  I will agree to do almost any chore or task you designate over the next few days for free, but after Dec. 21st, the obligation reverses in perpetuity and all money, stocks, bonds, and physical assets in your possession revert to me.  This is a great deal for you, because I will be there to help you prepare your survivalist compound and/or Bible retreat to study Revelations for free, and then the Lord (or Kukulkan, since it's a Mayan apocalypse) will devour my impious soul so I can never collect on your side of the debt.  Yeah, I'm a naive schmuck, but you shouldn't feel too guilty about taking advantage of me - I'm a non-believer destined for eternal torment in Branson, Missouri.

2.  Sell them your own poop as a special high-energy "wilderness heating fuel."

It's my own special, high-energy blend that will keep you warm in the long winter of the apocalypse while releasing pleasing aromas into the air.  And it's yours for the low, low price of $20 per pound, which is really a bargain considering how little money would mean The Day After.  Sure, they could buy way more wood with that money, but wood lacks the special ingredients in this fuel (Corn Nuts and Doritos).

1.  Have them buy you stuff on their credit cards.

Once the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or whatever descends on the planet, people will never have to make another payment on their cards, so there's no reason they wouldn't be willing to max them out.  In fact, it's practically free money, so there would be no reason to be stingy with them.  Offer to trade them whatever you have that they want - which will probably be things like fishing gear, camping gear, canned food, first aid supplies, etc. - in exchange for vacation packages, hotel rooms, electronics, videogames, bar tabs, casino chips, etc.  What do they care?  They'll never have to pay for any of it, and they get the smug feeling of watching you foolishly enjoy yourself when they're getting Prepared to fight the Transformers.  When they have to declare bankruptcy in January, you can say "Gee, I'd help you if I could, but the world ended and I'm burning in hell right now.  Sorry."


There are real moneymaking opportunities here, folks.  News stories abound about dimwitted people going on shopping sprees to stock up for the Mayan Apocalypse, cults going (more) batshit over it, etc. etc.  And don't feel bad about penalizing their stupidity - if there were more consequences for being that stupid, and if they were more immediately felt, maybe some of them would learn to think like conscious human beings rather than mindless animals reacting to herd memes that don't make any sense.

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