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I’ll jump on the bandwagon just so I can steer it off the nearest cliff.

Life is about perspective. For example. The lobsters in the kitchen of the Titanic were ecstatic when it sank.

As a nation, the U.S. consumes the most hot dogs per capita. So you'd be wise to never underestimate our powers of denial.

Strive to become a leader about whom they will later say: "he meant well." and "he did the best he could."

Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn't cute.

I found $100 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy weed, Nerf guns and candy".

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Who wants to find out if throwing a chainsaw in a wood chipper creates a black hole?

Damn... It looks like my days as a teen sex idol really are behind me.

In America, it's still fun and games after someone gets hurt.

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