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Lots of things going on this weekend.  Bowl season the end of the year.   A film version of the musical Les Miserables is now playing in theaters (unfortunately, none of the lead actors in the film can, you know, sing--Anne Hathaway, fresh from playing Catwoman, caterwauls her way through the role of Fantine).  And the Dread Fiscal Cliff™ is almost upon us, and if we go over it, the US will immediately turn into 1830's France, or something like that.

Speaking of miserable, the 113th Congress starts next week, and the first order of business for the House will be the election of a new (though likely recycled) Speaker.  It is unlikely that the Orange One doesn't get the gig again--that said, there is a movement afoot within the GOP to replace him--the fact that a new Speaker is even being considered without either a change in power or a major scandal, is itself noteworthy.

With that in mind, 'tis time for a parody of Les Mis in the Orange One's honor.  We join the opera in progress as M. Jean Boehnerdier, keeper of an inn of ill repute known as la maison du les députés sings an aria to address a most rowdy and boisterous crowd.

[M. Boehnerdier]

Welcome, my friends, sit yourself down
And meet the best House Speaker in town
As for the rest, all of them skunks [glances at Pelosi]
Taxing your backs and spending like drunks

Seldom do you see loyal men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be

Speaker of the House, doling out the dough
Ready for the softballs on the Sunday shows
Tells a bullish tale, makes a little speech
Constituents like it when around you reach
Glad to do my friends a favor
Doesn't cost me a dime
But without a contribution,
You won't get a minute of my time

Speaker of the House, Leader of the Free
Ready to dock moochers of a buck or three
Watering the dole, cutting back the checks
Pruning pensions for those not retired yet
Everybody loves a lawman
Everybody's gravy train!
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em once again!

[Assembled House]

Speaker of the House, Baker of the Pie
Never lets a lobbyist to pass him by
Servant to the Rich, Guardian of the Purse
Diplomat, statesman, and Obama's curse
Everybody's Wall Street hustler
Everybody's orange mack

[Boehnerdier]

But don't forget to grease us,
Jesus!  You can send it to my PAC

[Group of Wall Street lobbyists enter]

[Boehnerdier]

Enter, my sirs, lay down your case
Loosen your ties, and rest in my place
Business is hard, taxes a bane
But here we strive to lighten your pain
Here the goose is gold
Here the living's large
And don't worry 'bout the debt 'til there are Dems in charge

Bills beyond compare, Bills beyond belief
It's not pork--honest--'stead let's call it "beef"
Freeways to the moon, pipelines to the bay
Filling up the sausages with come what may
Don't worry about the budget
Austerity will save the day
When the bill comes due
'Taint you who is gonna have to pay

We'll cut their SSI, chain their CPI
Take away the TC that is for EI.
Here a little nick, there a little pare
Unemployment, Big Bird, and Obamacare
When it comes to fixing budgets
There are lots of ways to loot
All so the big cheeses can have tax decreases
Jesus isn't politics a hoot!

[Assembled House]

Speaker of the House, Baker of the Pie
Never lets a lobbyist to pass him by
Servant to the Rich, Guardian of the Purse
Diplomat, statesman, and Obama's curse
Everybody's Wall Street hustler
Passing out the village perks

[Boehnerdier]

Just charge it on the VISAs,
Jesus!  Its amazing how it works

[Eric Cantor, thoroughly inebriated, stands on a barstool]

I used to dream, that I would start a war
But God Almighty, have you seen what's come to fore?

Speaker of the House, Thought just makes me itch
Diplomat, statesman, and Obama's bitch
Greedy little brain
A reg'lar Tom Delay
Thinks he's quite a mover but there's just no way
What cruel trick of Satan, landed us with such a mouse?
God knows we're not empowered, living with this coward in the House!

[All]
Speaker of the House
[Cantor]
Speaker and a third!
[All]
Diplomat, statesman
[Cantor]
Don't be absurd!
[All]
Servant to the rich!  Gaurdian of the purse!
[Cantor]
Chickenshit, pinko, and a whole lot worse!
[All]
Everybody loves a lawman
[Cantor]
Except when he wears a blouse
[All]
Everybody raise a glass!
[Cantor]
Raise it up the speaker's ass!
[All]
Everybody raise a glass to the Speaker of the House!

---

Happy New Year, everybody!

Originally posted to EngineerScotty on Sat Dec 29, 2012 at 10:00 PM PST.

Also republished by National Parody Administration and Les Miserables.

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