Among the "suggested" agenda items complied by the DCCC: breakfast paid for by lobbyists, "Science 101," a workshop on "How to stop talking about 'legitimate rape' and insulting women," a math course on "counting to 218 votes" — and, of course, trust falls.Ah, but "How to stop talking about 'legitimate rape" is a training program that already actually exists! Silly DCCC, you have to keep up if you're going to satirize these people. You think it's easy making fun of people who condemn U.N. treaties to help handicapped people as a threat to American sovereignty? Whose leading lights are constantly getting arrested for drunken escapades or getting caught hiking the ol' Appalachian Trail, as the kids say today? No, making fun of the current mess that is the Republican Party is not for the faint of heart.
Also on the suggested topics to be discussed: "How to increase our approval ratings: What root canals, traffic jams, cockroaches and head lice are doing right."
There's only one thing I want from this year's Republican retreat. Only one. I want a videotape of the part where they try to explain math to their dumber members. I reckon they'll be putting Paul Ryan to the front of the room for that one, the blind leading the blind, and they'll compare the federal budget to a family budget, and Steve King will play the drunken father who says damn it, we've been spending too much, so what we're gonna do here is keep spending that much but not pay any of the bills, take that VISA card, because that's what responsible families do. Then they'll all get drunk, rent boats and crash into each other to express their extreme disappointment with the lack of support for traditional, adultery-rich marriage these days. That last part doesn't have anything to do with math, mind you, but I have the distinct feeling that the current Republican membership can't talk math for more than 10 minutes at a time unless copious amounts of whiskey are involved—which is incidentally why the last Paul Ryan budget proposal included only three pages of hard numbers, with all remaining pages consisting of sketches of a jetpack-wearing Paul Ryan battling various Japanese movie monsters.
Where was I? Ah yes, the DCCC giving helpful advice to Republicans on the subject of their annual retreat. Go nuts, commenters. I'm sure we're just chock full of ideas for how Boehner can wring the very best out of this collection of misfits and rape-opinion-havers.