Last night, Stephen Colbert took a critical look at the military tribunal for Khalid Sheikh Mohammed going on down at Guantanamo Bay with Neal Katyal.
Folks, we're still fighting the War on Terror. By the way, naming rights still available. Call me, Velveeta. And the War on Terror just turned 12 years old, which explains why it's into remote-controlled planes.
But my favorite thing about our endless borderless war against an emotional state is our prison at Guantanamo Bay. Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic it remains open for business. It's the Radio Shack of the War on Terror.
Now, if you follow the news closely, you are probably unaware that Gitmo is currently hosting the trial of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.
For God's sake, Khalid, you're appearing in court. Comb your shoulders!
Now, one reason you may not have heard about it is that it's not the easiest trial to cover. First, because it's not really a trial. It's a one-of-a-kind military tribunal designed by President Bush, implemented by President Obama, and inspired by President Kafka.
You see, reporters are not allowed into the courtroom. They have to watch the trial from behind soundproof glass and hear the proceedings on a 40-second delay. And to protect national security, the judge — or a security officer in the courtroom — can hit a mute button, which shuts off the audio to the reporters, and indicates this by making a red light on the judge's bench spin.
The red light also indicates that all dress shirts and men's slacks are 20% off.
But on January 29th, the red light turned on and cut the audio, but — and this is the fun part — neither the judge nor the security officer had done it, causing the livid and confused judge to say:
COL. JAMES POHL (1/28/2013): Note for the record, that the 40-second delay was initiated, not by me. If some external body is turning things off, if someone is turning the commissions off under their own view of what things ought to be, with no reason or explanation, then we are going to have a little meeting about who turns that light on or off.
(audience laughter and applause)
And while you're having that little meeting about the light, while you're at it, find out who put the dimmer switch on habeas corpus. Now, the government's prosecutor said she could explain who was doing it, "but not in open session".
Ooooh! Ooooh!! Ooooooh!!!! I think I know!! Can I solve the puzzle?
Um... uh... um... let's see, um.... Well, whoever's doing it has got the defense lawyers worried that someone might be listening to private communications between them and their clients at the defense table.
Well come on. I realize these military tribunals are a little unconventional — in that they may not be covered under the Geneva Conventions — but it's paranoid to imagine that the government is eavesdropping on you at the defense table. They're eavesdropping on your attorney-client meeting rooms.
Hey! They say justice is blind. They never said she's deaf.
(audience applause)
OK, so clearly the whole thing's being spied on and controlled by unseen forces. Big deal. It's just like Survivor, except in this case no one gets voted off the island.
But folks, I can understand that for many, this trial has lost its legitimacy, so I say we must do the ethical thing, and let the detainees go free. Then hunt them down with unaccountable flying death-bots.
Video below the fold.
Stephen also turned Jay the Intern into a walking ad for
Halls Mentho-Lyptus.
Meanwhile, Jon looked at all the recent
mergers of big corporations with
John Hodgman.
He then took a look at the failed state that is
Italy right now.
Stephen talked with the Museum of Modern Art's
Paola Antonelli, and Jon talked with Dick Cheney documentarian
R.J. Cutler, which went long. Here's the unedited interview in two parts.
Part 1
Part 2