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February was a tough month for me on an emotional and spiritual level.  As a result my physical body was also affected by a fever that worked its way through my body.  I'm fine now of course but that first weekend after my best friend Amie left I had fever of 102.5 then 101.  Monday I measured normal and chalked up my illness not to the flu but to stress.  (I used to get high fevers as a child when I was upset about something.)  Still trying to sort everything that's happened this month out.

I experienced two significant losses/changes: my best friend of 17 years which I wrote about at length here:

Letting Go of Amie?

And just yesterday my boss of nearly 13 years resigned and is moving on to other ventures of a more entrepreneurial nature.  He will have more time to spend with family a priceless treasure that can never be replaced if lost and he'll be able to pick and choose which ventures he wants to help nurture along to success.  I'm so very happy for him.  Yesterday was his last day at our company and it was very difficult to get through without welling up or coming apart.  I wanted and needed to be professional and strong for him, and for me too.  I had only one bad moment outside of his presence but composed myself quickly.  Once I got home in the comfort and safety of those four walls I totally lost it for a while.

As I mentioned in the diary I wrote about Amie, I have no idea what will become of her.  Even though I know it's best for her to be with family so that she can get the help, perhaps hospitalization and therapy she needs, there have been so many times that I've wanted to tell Amie something.  It's been so hard.  I miss her a lot, hope she is doing okay and believe she's better off where she is as opposed to being in New York City right now.  Or perhaps even ever again.  Unless she learns some serious survival skills, discernment and who to trust - she will most likely be massively hurt in this life again.  Sad but true.

As for my boss I'm going to miss him a ton.  The people you work with or for are the people you spend most of your time with.  If you're lucky you end up liking those people, or at least respecting and/or admiring them.  My boss is one of those rare interstellar people that embody so many great human qualities: kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, supportiveness, encouragement, and humor.  Quick mind!  He's admired, respected and truly loved by so many.  Myself included.  He's a great leader and always found that one thing in each person on the team to build up and encourage.  Not seeing him every day is making the void in my heart even bigger than it was when Amie left.

On the up side I still have a job and will for the future so I'm grateful for that but like everything in life, that could change at any time.  Also I'm going to have lunch with someone I've considered an acquaintance this weekend and possibly sow the seeds of a new friendship.  I'm also going to a NYC Kossack meet up Monday and am looking forward to that.

My questions are these:

In the bigger picture it's said that when a door closes, another door opens.  OK.  Two big honking doors just slammed in my face.  Hard.  And I wish these folks every happiness, health and success in the future.  But these two people leaving me really, really rocked my world.  Why did Amie leave 2/5?  Why did my boss leave 2/28?  Are these doors being closed because new ones are about to be opened?  Am I not seeing an open door somewhere?  What is the bigger message of these two very important people going away?

This was a hard month to get through.  It's been stressful, sad and scary.  Sure I've had some sunnier days or moments but I'm sooooooooo glad February is over.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (8+ / 0-)

    "For all those whose cares have been our concern, the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die." Ted Kennedy 1980 DNC Keynote Speech

    by Dumas EagerSeton on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 01:56:16 PM PST

  •  To be real honest ... (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    hnichols, Dumas EagerSeton, joynow, MRA NY

    I am not sure about doors opening and closing.  Sometimes, it feels like all the doors andwindows are aniled shut and fresh air and sunshine are never coming back into my life.  

    Things don't usually stay that way, but grief is grief no matter what the loss is ... a friend moving away, a boss leaving, losing a job, mom dying, or whatever else life gives us ... and it changes your life. You do have to give it time.  You are grieving because the people who are changing their place in your life are important.  If they were not important, then you would not be feeling so down. Your life will be different because they are going to do new things (some good, some not).

    Give yourself time ... and it does eventually get better.  You will still miss them, but new people and situations will come.  In time, you will share jokes, ideas, look for support from new people.  You friend and your boss will not be replaced, but you will move to a new place.

    But you need to grieve before you start to dance again.

    Good luck and be kind to yourself.

    "Life without liberty is like a body without spirit. Liberty without thought is like a disturbed spirit." Kahlil Gibran, 'The Vision'

    by CorinaR on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 02:19:03 PM PST

    •  Thanks for your thoughtful comment. (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      CorinaR, MRA NY

      You're right, these people were important in my life and I feel big holes from them not being there anymore.

      I know it gets better.  Right now I feel so raw, like I'm wearing my skin inside out.  And I'm going to make it a point to do things that I enjoy doing for myself to make me feel less blue.

      Take care,
      DES

      "For all those whose cares have been our concern, the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die." Ted Kennedy 1980 DNC Keynote Speech

      by Dumas EagerSeton on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 03:55:05 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  It's Time For Amie's Family To Step In..... (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    hnichols, Dumas EagerSeton, MRA NY

    It sounds like she could benefit from family support, therapy & medication.  That door may open again after Amie receives the help she needs.

    You've been a good friend.  Stay tuned.....that relationship may not be over.

    And....you can still stay in touch w/ your former boss & find out how all his new ventures are turning out.  

    •  Amie's family actually did pick her up and (0+ / 0-)
      It sounds like she could benefit from family support, therapy & medication.  That door may open again after Amie receives the help she needs.
      drove her back home to MD.  She is staying at her mom's.  She is a retired nurse so she can definitely help Amie.  I believe I took things as far as I could but she does need some therapy and possibly meds.  Poor girl.

      And I might see my boss again someday too.

      Thanks for your kinds words.

      "For all those whose cares have been our concern, the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die." Ted Kennedy 1980 DNC Keynote Speech

      by Dumas EagerSeton on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 03:59:18 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  there's a but.... (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    CorinaR, Dumas EagerSeton, joynow, MRA NY

    When one door closes, another one opens....but...it's hell in the hallway.

  •  I don't know either about the closed door, (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    MRA NY, Neuroptimalian

    open door thing. I think perhaps it's just a cliche.

    I think a more dependable message is that nothing in life is permanent except change. Life keeps moving on like a river for every one of us whether we're ready or not. You lose some good things but other good things lie ahead. Maybe just around the bend, maybe miles downstream.

    In the meantime have some fun, learn something new, do some good deeds. You're a good person and sooner or later nice things will happen for you. Best wishes!

  •  Often we don't see the door until we've already (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    RiveroftheWest

    passed through it.

    From one who lost my home and business in 2010, has had sporadic, severely underemployed jobs since, financial stress galore, a very traumatic several months of hospitals and home care for my daughter (late 2011 into spring 2012), has had one thing after another go on vehicles, broken teeth (waiting to repair the 3rd one now) and God knows what else transpire in just the last couple years, I'm waiting for that door or window to open!

    Thing is, I can find several positives in most of the things above.  I can't always hold those thoughts - there are good days and bad.  But I still am optimistically waiting to see where I land at the other side of this 'midlife adventure.'

    Hope you'll remember to come back and tell us after you've walked through that door!  Hang in there.

    "Don't Bet Against Us" - President Barack Obama

    by MRA NY on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 09:01:39 PM PST

  •  Dumas EagerSeton: (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    RiveroftheWest
    What is the bigger message of these two very important people going away?
    Perhaps, the message is rather this instead:
    What is the bigger message of these two very important people having been in my life?

    Whether we fully realize it or not, we are all merely visitors in another's life...

    As you grieve, please allow yourself time to rejoice in the fingerprints left on your heart by these very important people.  

    By slightly altering your question & shifting your focus, it is possible that only the joy will be what remains...and the bigger message seen with more clarity.

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