February was a tough month for me on an emotional and spiritual level. As a result my physical body was also affected by a fever that worked its way through my body. I'm fine now of course but that first weekend after my best friend Amie left I had fever of 102.5 then 101. Monday I measured normal and chalked up my illness not to the flu but to stress. (I used to get high fevers as a child when I was upset about something.) Still trying to sort everything that's happened this month out.
I experienced two significant losses/changes: my best friend of 17 years which I wrote about at length here:
And just yesterday my boss of nearly 13 years resigned and is moving on to other ventures of a more entrepreneurial nature. He will have more time to spend with family a priceless treasure that can never be replaced if lost and he'll be able to pick and choose which ventures he wants to help nurture along to success. I'm so very happy for him. Yesterday was his last day at our company and it was very difficult to get through without welling up or coming apart. I wanted and needed to be professional and strong for him, and for me too. I had only one bad moment outside of his presence but composed myself quickly. Once I got home in the comfort and safety of those four walls I totally lost it for a while.
As I mentioned in the diary I wrote about Amie, I have no idea what will become of her. Even though I know it's best for her to be with family so that she can get the help, perhaps hospitalization and therapy she needs, there have been so many times that I've wanted to tell Amie something. It's been so hard. I miss her a lot, hope she is doing okay and believe she's better off where she is as opposed to being in New York City right now. Or perhaps even ever again. Unless she learns some serious survival skills, discernment and who to trust - she will most likely be massively hurt in this life again. Sad but true.
As for my boss I'm going to miss him a ton. The people you work with or for are the people you spend most of your time with. If you're lucky you end up liking those people, or at least respecting and/or admiring them. My boss is one of those rare interstellar people that embody so many great human qualities: kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, supportiveness, encouragement, and humor. Quick mind! He's admired, respected and truly loved by so many. Myself included. He's a great leader and always found that one thing in each person on the team to build up and encourage. Not seeing him every day is making the void in my heart even bigger than it was when Amie left.
On the up side I still have a job and will for the future so I'm grateful for that but like everything in life, that could change at any time. Also I'm going to have lunch with someone I've considered an acquaintance this weekend and possibly sow the seeds of a new friendship. I'm also going to a NYC Kossack meet up Monday and am looking forward to that.
My questions are these:
In the bigger picture it's said that when a door closes, another door opens. OK. Two big honking doors just slammed in my face. Hard. And I wish these folks every happiness, health and success in the future. But these two people leaving me really, really rocked my world. Why did Amie leave 2/5? Why did my boss leave 2/28? Are these doors being closed because new ones are about to be opened? Am I not seeing an open door somewhere? What is the bigger message of these two very important people going away?
This was a hard month to get through. It's been stressful, sad and scary. Sure I've had some sunnier days or moments but I'm sooooooooo glad February is over.