Rather than continue to futilely argue with lunatics and liars forever, let's instead think of ways to thoroughly implement the conservative agenda for them so they can begin immediately enjoying the paradise that would surely arise from their politics.
I. The 2nd Amendment
1. Provide a conservative employer's disgruntled former employees with arsenals, paramilitary training, and information about their addresses and personal habits - you know, just in case they need this info to make tactical plans in the event of a foreign invasion.
2. Organize a militia of black nationalists with anger management issues who have been victimized by white supremacists to patrol NRA events carrying assault rifles and chainsaws. The more armed citizens at these events the better, right?
3. Instead of Big Gubmint limits on hunting, just allow hunters to start hunting each other when game populations get too low: A free market solution that makes the sport of hunting more interesting and skilled.
II. The Wonders of the Free Market
1. If a conservative is having a medical emergency, don't coddle them by calling 911 for free: First get them to voluntarily agree in writing to give you half of their wealth in exchange for your generous assistance. They will appreciate and reward your entrepreneurial vision.
2. In the event of a conservative family member's death, sell their body to necrophiliacs. They would be proud to know their remains are generating a profit.
3. Any conservative who tells a poor person to "pull themselves up by the bootstraps," abandon them in the middle of Antarctica with a box of paperclips, a compass, and a copy of Atlas Shrugged. By they time they reach civilization again, they will surely be a billionaire.
4. Inform every convicted burglar and armed robber within a 100-mile radius of a conservative's income and assets, so that they know who to talk to for moral advice on how to turn their lives around.
III. Family Values
1. Conservative men all want more babies to be born, so find out if there's any way you can assist their wives in the process. Be sure to capture the miracle of conception on video, then share the miracle with their colleagues and coworkers via Twitter and various other means.
2. Help conservatives maintain the sanctity of marriage: Throw very convincing tranny hookers at them on a regular basis so they become paranoid and reject all sexual opportunities.
3. Since conservatives believe in corporal punishment, train their dogs to attack them if they do anything wrong. But make it a surprise - that way the "correction" is more effective. They'll thank you later in life.
IV. Religion
1. Rewrite all the Bibles in their house to include product placements from prominent corporations. Marketliness is next to Godliness.
2. Keep their pastors and fellow congregants informed about the minutest details of their lives, including their Social Security Numbers, extramarital affairs, criminal activities, and weird sexual fetishes.
3. Conservatives want a personal relationship with God. Give it to them through means of subtle microphones, not-quite-hidden messages, and spooky rearrangements of furniture. They will be happier in a psychiatric facility where everything is controlled and independent thought is necessarily curtailed.