Last night, Bill Maher closed out his show by asking why we treat Republican and Democratic sex scandals differently, and why Republicans seem so willing to completely forgive and forget their members' past transgressions.
And finally, New Rule: If South Carolina country-folk can forgive Mark Sanford for a-cheatin' and a-lyin' on the Appalachian Trail, then Manhattan intellectuals can forgive Anthony Weiner for basically masturbating online. Or as husbands call it, "Don't come in! I'm doing the bills!" (audience laughter)
JIMMY KIMMEL: That's what it says on his license plate, "Doing the Bills".
Yes, the political world has been abuzz this month with the news that Anthony Weiner is dipping a toe back into politics. At least we hope that's his toe. (audience laughter) But it's really not fair. Mark Sanford was having week-long international fuck fiestas with the girl from Ipanema, and he's already been forgiven. He won the primary for his old seat. But Weiner, who was really doing nothing more than asking Facebook people to "like" a picture of his junk, has a future that's still very much in doubt.
And it begs the question, why is redemption so much easier for Republicans than Democrats? Well, simply put, it's because Republicans are the Christian party, and there's nothing evangelicals eat up like a redemption story. Sanford said he asked Jesus to forgive him, and Jesus said, "OK". (audience laughter) Which wasn't a surprise, because as far as I can tell, Jesus has never turned anyone down. I have yet to hear a Christian say they asked Jesus for forgiveness, and Jesus said, "No, I'm still really mad at you right now." (audience laughter and applause)
Yes, Jesus is like Rihanna — no matter how bad you treat him, he still loves you. (audience gasps in shock) And it works! Not only was Sanford given a pass, he was able to have his mistress with him at his side during his acceptance speech. Which I don't get, because his whole schtick is, "I sinned, I made a terrible mistake, it's the worst thing I ever did... and here she is now, everybody, give her a big hand!"
And that's the great thing about being in the Christian party. When you screw up, you get to point to the sky, and say there's only one perfect person who ever lived, and his name was Ronald Reagan. (audience laughter) Oh, and also Jesus, who hates sin but loves sinners, so he gave me a mulligan. But Anthony Weiner? No Jesus mulligan for him. He's a Jew. He can't receive forgiveness from an almighty father. He's got an almighty mother. (audience laughter)
You see, liberals don't get the religious do-over because their base doesn't buy that shit the way the Republican base does. When Bill Clinton goes to a prayer breakfast, it's for the breakfast. (audience laughter)
But just maybe, maybe America has grown up since the Clinton fiasco. And it would be just in the nick of time, because thanks to the Internet, and Instagram, and Twitter, and Chatroulette, and Craigslist, America has revealed itself to be an entire nation of perverts.
So what if Anthony Weiner sent a photo of his package to some chick he's never met? Who hasn't? The dick pic is the new business card. Sending crotch shots is how millennials communicate with each other now. Facebook should change its name to SitOnMyFacebook. (audience laughter and applause)
It's ridiculous, for example, that Krystal Ball had to have her political career ended, simply because of these pictures of her at a Christmas party sucking her husband's nose. I mean, come on. Someday there's going to be a picture out there of everyone in America at least this bad.
This is the no-privacy age, people. And in the not-too-distant future, we will elect a President whose penis we have all seen. Please, God, just let it not be Chris Christie. (wild audience laughter and applause)