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Wednesday bon mots

Only five calories each:

Work is of two kinds: first altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.
---Bertrand Russell
There is but one way for a newspaperman to look at a politician and that is down.
---Frank H. Simonds

Dandy gentleman
"Enlightenment is taking place
among the commoners, I fear."
I'm in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let everybody in except the English.
---Calvin Trillin
"If you go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected. By my calculation, our next president has to be named Yelnick McWawa."
---Cliff Claven
"Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion requires intelligence, vigilance, dedication and courage. But if we don't practice these tough habits of thought, we cannot hope to solve the truly serious problems that face us---and we risk becoming a nation of suckers, up for grabs by the next charlatan who comes along."
---Carl Sagan
"Politicians are people who, when they see a light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel."
---Sir John Quinton
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.
---Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Religions change. Beer and wine remain.
---Harvey Allen

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Note: Due to the latest austerity agreement, anyone whose primary language is Greek must start using only German adjectives no later than next Monday.  By cashing in on your adjectives, this will reduce the Greek debt by 100 Euros.  Danke.  ---The Great und Powerful Merkel, Inc.


By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next new moon, which the anti-science crowd will claim is proof that the moon is a hoax because, “Look, it ain’t there no more!”: 1
Days 'til the official 2013 season opening of Funtown-Splashtown USA in Saco, Maine: 3
Interest on a 15 year fixed-rate mortgage in 2010: 4.36%
Interest on a 15 year fixed-rate mortgage in 2013: 2.56%
(Source: Freddie Mac)
Number of text messages sent last year, down 5% from 2011: 2.2 trillion
Average number texts sent per person per day: 19
(Source: CTIA via AP)
Number of people expected to be diagnosed with melanoma this year, according to the American Cancer Society: 76,600


Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 4 gogs and 1 divine twitter stream).  Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.


Puppy Pic of the Day:  Lofty perch


President Obama meets with South Korean President Park Geun-hye  5/7/13
"Kim Jong Un is this small.
They use camera tricks
to make him seem taller."
CHEERS to extending the nation's welcome mat.  Yesterday President Obama met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye at the White House.  With furrowed brows and steely-eyed resolve, they sent a sternly worded message to Geun-hye's nattering nemesis to the north:
President Barack Obama said Tuesday that North Korea can no longer create an international crisis with nuclear provocations, asserting the United States and South Korea are fully capable of defending themselves.

“The days when North Korea could create a crisis and elicit concessions, those days are over.”  Obama said from the White House East Room, after the two leaders met privately in the Oval Office.

Moments later, he excused himself to go extend concessions elicited by Republicans who created a crisis.  Because, unfortunately, some days aren't over.

CHEERS to Delaware!  The state Senate passed gay marriage yesterday, and Governor Jack Markell signed it.  When its 907,135 residents are added to Rhode Island's 1,051,302 (they passed it last week), that's another 1,959,437 Americans who live in states that allow same-sex couples to marry.  Next: Illinois, New Jersey, Oregon and Minnesota, plus the Supreme Court will reinstate marriage in California next month by allowing Prop. 8 to dissolve in a puddle of bigot goo.  Can you hear us now, NOM?  Good.

Pea brain silhouette
Mr. Sanford goes to Washington.
JEERS to the march of the lemmings.  Oh, politics, you're so cute when you go tribal.  A majority of voters in South Carolina's 1st District pulled the lever next to a scandal-plagued congressional candidate with an "R" after his name, instead of the smart, practical, perfectly qualified centrist with a "D" after her name.  Over to you, Laurence Lewis:
Mark Sanford won a Congressional seat from a deep red district in a deep red state. No surprise. But it does say much about the values both of those who voted for him and of those who now will be celebrating his victory. … [T]o Sanford's supporters, both in South Carolina and elsewhere, hypocrisy clearly doesn't matter.
And guess what happens tomorrow?  Sanford has to go to court to face accusations by his ex-wife of breaking into her house at night and trying to escape using the light from his smartphone.  I'm sure the judge will throw the book at him---specifically the one titled Charmed Lives for Teflon-Coated Dummies.

CHEERS to real "Mission Accomplished" moments. World War II---which got started in 1939 when Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked a kerosene lantern into Adolf Hitler's crotch (source: Bullshitipedia)---officially ended in Europe 68 years ago today.  Harry Truman famously said: "The flags of freedom fly all over Europe!"  And the head of the House cafeteria famously said: "Hooray---we can finally change 'freedom veal' back to 'wienerschnitzel.'"

CHEERS to the creepiest happy story of the year.  Three Cleveland women involved in separate kidnappings a decade ago when they were teenagers were found alive Monday night when one of them escaped from a ramshackle house with help from a neighbor (Charles Ramsey, a name you'll be hearing a lot, and for good reason).  Tearful reunions with their families and friends will be going on for days.  The kidnappers, by the way, were three scuzzball brothers who had about three teeth between them---and I'm talking about their combs:

The kidnappers of Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight...the castro Brothers.  5/7/13
Worst.  Three.  Stooges.  Ever.

JEERS to more ankle biting.  Here we go again.  The House oversight committee will be holding hearings today on BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!!!  Answers will be demanded, whistles will be blown, tempers will flare, umbrage will be taken, fingers will be pointed.  And pointed.  And…[flips page]…pointed some more.  By the end of the day, Joe Biden will be sworn in as president after Barack Obama flees town with his Kenyan birth certificate and a steamer trunk full of arugula from the White House garden strapped to the back of a Studebaker.  Oh, and to you students who will be reading about this next year in U.S. History class from a textbook approved by the Texas Board of Education: Sorry---I shoulda yelled "Spoiler alert."


Five years ago in C&J: May 8, 2008

CHEERS to the tipping point.  Unless someone finds out that he goes to a church led by a fiery pastor (shh...don't tell anyone!), the Democratic nominee for President of the United States---much to the Republican party's horror---will be uniter Barack Obama.  The campaign strategy against John McCain is now being worked out.  Our inside source says Step 1 will involve following the Meals on Wheels Express around the country, pointing at the guy inside, and uttering the new campaign slogan: "I ain't him."

JEERS to vicious (not to mention asinine) circles.  Ben Stein---who used to be kinda funny about a hundred years ago---is making the rounds, plugging his anti-science documentary, I already forget the title.  Anyway, last week he said that "Love of God and compassion and empathy leads you to a very glorious place, and science leads you to killing people."  Funny thing is, believing shit like that leads you to...Ben Stein.


And just one more…

"I don't give 'em Hell. I just tell the truth
about them and they think it's Hell."
CHEERS to "Give 'Em Hell Harry."  And happy 129th birthday to #33, who said "I felt like the moon, the stars and all the planets had fallen on me" when he became president after FDR died in 1945.  Former president Bush claims his legacy will be vindicated over time, as Truman's was.  And...OMG he would be wrong!!!!  When Bush came into office, the country was enjoying virtually unprecedented peace and prosperity and he led us straight into depression and war.  Truman's situation was a bit different.  From the book Rating the Presidents, in which over 700 historians and political gurus rank Truman #7:
Ahead of him was the task of leading a nation worn out from almost sixteen years of depression and war.  Truman paid heavily for the mood of the people and the troubles of the times.  Contemporary opinion polls gave him terrible ratings.  He was reviled, the endless butt of jokes like, "To err is Truman."

In later, calmer years historians and political scientists assessing his standing consistently ranked him among America's ten best presidents.  Our poll participants give him high rankings in all categories, never dropping him lower than ninth and in the Accomplishments and Crisis Management categories ranked him sixth.

But, golly, it sure sucked when Dewey defeated him.  (I believe that was the first time a president ever uttered the immortal words, "Heh, indeedy.")

Have a nice Wednesday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"I was expecting more than flashing lights and puppy pics!  Cheers and Jeers was a hodgepodge just out there to titillate the taste buds.  Where's the chasse capes?  Where's the twist turns?  Where's the recognizable paso doble?  I can't believe it!"
---Len Goodman


Does it surprise you that the Heritage Foundation, under the direction of tea party flame-fanner Jim DeMint, put out a bogus report exaggerating the cost of immigration reform?

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