Through my vast network of spies in the upper echelons of politics, I've come into a secret internal document outlining the Republican Party's agenda for its top operatives. It's a shocker.
TO: All state parties, fundraisers, and Republicans in office.
FROM: RNC Strategy Committee
The Republican National Committee (c) has decided to set in stone the overall policies that have until now been only implicit, so the following will be the official approach of the Party to forming national policy:
1. National defense: Corruption
2. Banking: Corruption
3. Education: Corruption
4. Criminal justice: Corruption
5. Healthcare: Corruption
6. Fiscal policy: Corruption
7. Gun issues: Corruption
8. The environment: Corruption
9. Trade: Corruption
10. Science and technology: Corruption
11. Foreign affairs: Corruption
12. Energy: Corruption
13. Transportation: Corruption
14. Veterans affairs: Malign indifference
15: Poverty: Yes, please
16. Social issues: Bigotry and willful ignorance
Please contact the Party liaison at your local ALEC office for guidelines on offering prices to prospective bidders on legislation, judicial rulings, government contracts, political appointments, and regulatory decisions. Regional officials are advised to search psychiatric institutions, hate groups, and militant religious fundamentalist compounds for suitable candidates to shape GOP social policy.
Republican Party Incorporated is an innovative wholly-owned subsidiary of Hell, committed to the destruction of Western civilization and the degradation of humanity. To learn more about how you can contribute to evil, consult our website or your local Cosa Nostra syndicate.