We here at Koch Charities have seen a lot of heartache and suffering in the world, and normally we enjoy it - but nothing prepared us for what we saw on our visit to Beverly Hills, CA: Scenes of widespread poverty and devastation inflicted by the State of California's unconscionable tax rates, with the oppressed, hollow-eyed millionaire denizens just barely managing to get by under the government yoke. What you are about to see is a journey into the heart of Big Government darkness, and a heartfelt plea for its victims. Due to the graphic nature of these depictions, viewer discretion is advised.
The extent of the devastation was immediately apparent when we first got into Beverly Hills, and left us speechless with horror:
Somehow we managed to pick our way through the ruins and rubble, dodging a number of people who we suspected were plainclothes Communist secret police, and got to tour some dilapidated residential neighborhoods left in tatters because of taxes:
I...(sob)...I personally found it hard to continue after seeing such desperation right here in America, so I understand if you don't want to keep reading this, but believe me when I say that these people need your help and you can make a difference in their lives.
You can go to your elected representatives and demand that the unconscionable tax burdens placed on these poor, defenseless people be lifted, so that they can some day raise their unchained, Cartier-clad wrists to heaven and say "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I'm free at last!" just like some other people who were once treated this badly. You can help rebuild America's affluent communities from the wreckage they've become under the grim, Soviet-like horrors of Obama-ism. Not convinced yet of how dire the situation is? Well, just look at this:
We debated whether it would be appropriate to even post such a graphic image, but the necessity outweighed the potential psychological harm it may cause. No, your eyes do not deceive you, although your heart may ache to admit it: As you can clearly see, there is a smudge on that Bugatti, no doubt caused by some careless, insolent pleb on a bicycle (which we hear are popular among socialists).
After seeing the smudge, we waited around for hours for the police to arrive and shut down the street as a crime scene, but it never happened. The jaded inhabitants just went about their lives as though an atrocity had not just been committed in their community. But I suppose when your accountant's secretary's assistant informs your assistant's secretary every year about the taxes you would theoretically pay before deductions if you hadn't offshored your money, you might start to lose the capacity for outrage. Aimless, hopeless members of the community milling about in despair:
Taxes did that to those poor, unfortunate souls. Taxes and regulation, bowing them down under the crushing weight of a state that - as you can clearly see - brutally punishes the wealthy. A state that forces them to live a waking nightmare where they are not nations unto themselves exempted from all laws and taxes, but only some of them.
Well, you can make the difference, Mr. and Mrs. America. You may not personally know the people who own the companies you work for - nor should you, since they are so morally and metaphysically superior to you that your presence would be an insult to their divinity - but as you can see, they are suffering and need your help. Who among us does not weep for the declining popularity of the sport of polo? Who among us, who are so privileged to live under the protective guidance of the wealthy, can imagine the deep, spiritual anguish of our betters when one day they want something and are informed by their accountants that it would take almost a full day to set up the financing for it rather than getting it instantly?
You say your child has a life-threatening medical condition that's expensive to treat, but have you thought about what that money could do for the softness of Mrs. Trophywife's poodle's fur, or for the quality of Mr. Bitchington III's walk-in humidor? I'll bet you never thought of that, you selfish cur. But now is the time to act, and that is why Koch Charities will be holding a telethon to raise money for these deprived folks. If you are an employee of Koch Industries, attendance and donation are mandatory, as is loud, enthusiastic clapping at appropriate moments.
But the rest of us have a responsibility to these unfortunates too, and we should show them how much we appreciate them by giving them even more money to spend on baubles, fashions, and economically ruinous stock speculation: The pursuits of gods, that we mere mortals cannot hope to comprehend. If we can help the victims of Big Government rebuild the ruins of their communities shown above, then maybe there is hope for humanity after all.
Maybe, just maybe, we will have earned the permission of our betters to breathe air on this Earth that rightfully belongs to them and them alone. Maybe, just maybe, writing this article for Koch Charities will hopefully convince Mr. Koch to release my family unharmed, as I am more than happy to reimburse him for the room and board expenses they have inconsiderately imposed on him as "guests." I am most grateful for the fun-filled vacation he has given them at his underground island lair, and eagerly await their safe return so they can spread the word about the wonders of the holy Free Market as I am.
Koch Charities is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Koch Industries, a world leader in fuckery. If you would like to know how to support Koch Industries, don't worry - you already do. You have no choice in the matter.