Call me delusional, but I'm starting to think the only solution to all these international crises is for me to become king of the world.
Apparently penguins coexisted with dinosaurs. Those poor little things. It must have been terrifying for them.
If at first you don't succeed, blame some ducks. Everyone knows ducks cause trouble.
Office tip: Make this day special. Drizzle some sweet, sweet LSD on those leftover muffins in the conference room.
Atheist Chick: You think Adam was mad at Eve?
Christian Dude: Probably.
Atheist Chick: That doesn’t strike you as weird?
Christian Dude: Why?
Atheist Chick: Technically, he’s mad at his rib.
Here's to the people who always complain about the people who always complain.