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U.S. Republican Senators John McCain (L) and Lindsey Graham talk during the Fiscal Responsibility Summit at the White House in Washington February 23, 2009.       REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque   (UNITED STATES)
"I'm teaching self-promotion, you?"
"Self-righteous indignation, probably."
Buzzfeed collected some of the various training sessions, webinars and other professional development opportunities available to the Senate staff. For example, you can take a class to learn why sleeping is important, which seems like the sort of thing that would be self-evident if you had to listen to senators all day. You can learn how to better work with old people—again, self-evident—or how to work with these kids today with their loud music and nonconformist memo structures. You can learn about why it is important to forgive people, presumably because they've just insulted your memo-writing skills. You can learn how to sit properly in a chair.

So, general workplace improvement stuff. All right, works for me; the last thing we want to have is a Senate in which nobody knows how to interact with old people or use office chairs—no need for the place to become a complete dystopia. Still, it seems like there are probably more senate-specific things that could be taught. How about it, Senate, could I interest you in a few bargain classes specially tailored the needs of today's high-powered deliberative body?

  • Empathy 101. In this webinar, participants will learn that just because they have not personally experienced something does not mean it does not exist. Subjects like childhood hunger will be visited, with special emphasis on discovering whether childhood hunger is a result of the child being incompetent. Guest speakers will include an actual unemployed person.
  • Living on Food Stamps. An exercise in living on the generous benefits given by the government to the less fortunate. Subtopics include Try it, you f--kers and We double-dare you.
  • Science: What Iz It? A definitive look at whether every scientist in the world is plotting against the fossil fuel companies to make them feel bad about themselves, possibly because those scientists are just jealous.
  • Learning to say No. Taught by Professor James Inhofe, this class will teach you how to cripple even the most basic desired activities of those around you. Learn the most efficient techniques for barring your neighbor's entrance to their garage or living room. Reduce your workload by refusing to do any. And did you know that a plastic bag placed over a person's head will prevent them from misappropriating your hard-earned oxygen?

Disclaimer: All courses subject to double-secret hold. Any member of the Senate can cancel entire course schedule at his discretion. Wiretapping may occur and is a good thing. Warning: Prof. Inhofe may bite.

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