Well thankfully, there's a way to achieve racial harmony, and it's the subject of tonight's Wørd: Color-bind. Nation, it's time we Caucasian Americans accept that when it comes to furthering the racial dialogue, the ball is in our court. Even though having the ball on a court has never been our strong suit. (We Miss You, Larry Bird) You see, President Obama has taken the first step by frankly discussing, as a black man, how it feels to be in a room full of white people who are scared of him. (a.k.a. The State of the Union Address) (audience laughter)Video below the fold.
Now I believe it's my turn to be honest about white experience. Black people are scary. (Send Letters to: "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" Hollywood, CA) (audience laughter) And folks, that's not just me saying that. I mean, just ask the TV.BILL O'REILLY (7/22/2013): Here's the headline. Young black men commit homicides at a rate 10 times greater than whites and Hispanics combined.That's not prejudice. That's just math. OK? So, if in 2011, out of 42 million African-Americans, 4,149 were arrested for murder, which means we can reasonably be scared of... (calculates)
BERNIE GOLDBERG (7/15/2013): Here's an inconvenient fact. Any time there's interracial crime, there's an overwhelming chance that the victim is gonna be white, and that the criminal is going to be black.
CHRIS WALLACE (7/21/2013): When you look at the crime numbers ... African-Americans — this is astonishing — African-Americans make up 13% of the population, but commit more than half the murders in this country.
9 one-thousandths of 1% of African-Americans. Now, doesn't sound like a lot, until... (99 Problems But 99.99% of Black People Ain't One) (audience laughter and applause) until you consider that we don't know which 9 one-thousandths of 1%. So, to be safe, we have to be scared of all of them. (NYPD Way Ahead of You) (audience cheering and applause)
Folks, this is the same reason I assume all Arabs are terrorists, and all Irishmen are leprechauns. I'm gonna get your pot o' gold, Daniel Day-Lewis!
Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying, Stephen, that's outrageous. With those numbers, it makes no sense to be suspicious of all black people. You should only be suspicious of black men. Now first of all, I can't believe you just said that on national television. (Well, Basic Cable) Second of all, OK, you're wrong. We have to be scared of black women too, because thanks to Hollywood, I know that many black women are actually black men.
So now, now that I've done this, in the dialogue of racial understanding, white people have done our part. (Watched "The Wire") We have shown the courage to admit we're terrified, but it's a two-way street, black people. (If Stephen Sees You, He's Crossing To The Other Side)
Which is why, right now, I would like to address all my African-American viewers. (Both Of Them) (audience laughter) Folks, it is your responsibility to change how white people feel about you. And according to President Obama, there's a simple way you can do it.BARACK OBAMA (7/19/2013): There are probably very few African-American men who haven't had the experience of walking across the street and hearing the locks click on the doors of cars. That happens to me — at least before I was a Senator.So the answer is obvious. Black people need to become Senators. (audience laughter) Once you're elected to the Senate, no one's going to think you're going to do something to them. (Shocked If You Do Anything) (audience cheering and applause)
Plus, black men, campaigning is easy. All you have to do is knock on a lot of strangers' doors. What could go wrong? (No Answer? Try A Window)
And believe me, once you've launched your political career, maybe someday, you too can be President. Then you'll never inspire irrational fear in white people again. (Color-bind) And that's the Wørd. We'll be right back.