From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
During the first half of 2013, the 113th Congress was even less productive than the non-productive 112th Congress before it. In a mad dash to throw some new laws onto the floor before they adjourn for their August recess (how very French of them), Speaker Boehner has been busy scribbling new bills on his cocktail napkin at the gentlemen's club…
LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS ESTABLISHMENT ACT
(1) A "LOVELY BUNCH" shall consist of (a) no less than three, and (b) no more than seven coconuts. (2) Penalty for violation is a maximum of (a) Three years in federal prison, (b) a $10,000 fine, and/or (c) rendition.
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THE LONELIEST NUMBER
(1) One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. (2) In certain situations two can be as bad as one because (2a) it's the loneliest number since the number one.
"Next on the House agenda:
Armpit farts! Armpit farts!!!"
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PLAN DISCOVERY ACT OF 2013
(1) Ask where the president's plan is. (2) Repeat. (3) If asked where the Republican plan is, see (1) and (2).
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HONEY, WHILE YOU'RE AT THE STORE DECLARATION
(1) We need (a) Milk, with (a1) not more than two percent milkfat and (a2) not less than 5 days remaining before the expiration date, (b) Eggs, (c) Twinkies, (d) All-Bran, without (d1) raisins, but with (d2) extra fiber, (e) Chicken, without (e1) the skin, and (e2) the bones, (f) Chiclets. (2) The penalty for forgetting any of these items will be (2a) a dirty look from the wife, and (2b) nooky cessation for two weeks.
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IKEA FURNITURE DEFINITION ACT
(1) All IKEA furniture shall (a) come packed in a cardboard box just large enough to not fit into any vehicle except the bed of a pickup truck, (b) come with a minimum of 89 loose parts, including (b1) a minimum of three missing parts that are considered (b1a) critical to the structural integrity of the piece, and (b2) a minimum of eight parts that belong to an entirely different model altogether.
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GLORIOUS LEADER IDENTIFICATION ACT
(1) All future Americans, regardless of gender, shall henceforth be named "Ronald Reagan." (2) Each individual shall be allowed to choose their own middle name with the understanding that (2a) they must use Ronald as their primary name. (3) This law shall apply retroactively to all current living American citizens. (4) A Name Czar will be appointed to enforce this Act. (5) Current Name Czar candidates include Ronald Bubba Reagan, Ronald Janet Reagan, Ronald Reagan Reagan and Ronald Ronald Reagan.
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AVIARY CONUNDRUM ACT
(1) The egg came first. (2) And that's final or you're a commie.
Aren't we lucky he wields the gavel.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 1, 2013
Note: Today's random drug testing has been cancelled on account of all the random drug testers are drunk. ---Mgt.
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Hard to miss the Beach-
to-Beacon finish line.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the
Beach to Beacon 10k Road Race in Cape Elizabeth, Maine:
2
Days 'til the 72nd
Central New York Scottish Games and Celtic Festival in Liverpool:
9
Rate at which the economy grew in the 2nd quarter:
1.7%
Percent chance that the rate would be higher if Republicans weren't such assholes:
100%
Mainers who identified with a specific religious denomination in 1980 and 2010, respectively:
41%, 28%
(Source:
The Portland Press Herald)
Percent chance that Indiana Republicans are surrendering in the war to strip Medicaid funding from Planned Parenthood in the state:
100%
(Source:
Think Progress)
Senate vote to confirm James Comey as head FBI G-Man with a tommy gun and badge:
93-1
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
So, now all we know about John Roberts is that he has nice manners and is being managed by a bunch of morons ---and he's willing to say what they spin for him. Then we start getting the record. He's defended the often violent Operation Rescue. He went to Florida to advise Jeb Bush during the 2000 election recount. Other Federalists, Timothy Flanigan (who's now in confirmation hearings for deputy attorney general) and Ted Olson (who became solicitor general of the United States) signed onto the brief to convince the Supremes to stop the count in Florida and install Bush. It's all classic, right-wing judicial activism---the very "activism" they complain bitterly about if it doesn't fit their radical agenda.
---July, 2005
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Fred Astaire, eat yer heart out…
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Later this month: the 50th
anniversary of MLK's little
tailgate party in Washington.
CHEERS to August. The dog days. The month everybody should be allowed to take off for vacation. (Right, France?) The month everyone wears the shit out of their whites because they know Labor Day's just around the corner. Same-sex marriages start today in Minnesota and Rhode Island (see next item, below).
Lollapalooza starts tomorrow in Chicago, and the 13th is the high Republican holiday known as "Blame Someone Else Day." The next 31 days include National Raspberry Cream Pie Day, Watermelon Day, Ice Cream Sandwich Day, Mustard Day, Potatoe (I prefer the Dan Quayle spelling) Day, Cherry Popsicle Day and Trail Mix Day, to be followed on September 1st with "Honey, Where Did We Put The Treadmill?" Day. Loni Anderson and I (but, sadly, not Neil Armstrong this year, except in spirit) blow out our birthday candles on the 5th, a day after Barack Obama turns 52. Of course, it's also the time of year in which you
never, ever want to introduce a bogus war based on shitty intelligence to the public.
P.S. Hot enough for ya?
CHEERS to morning mazel tovs. Another milestone for the LGBT history books as the first same-sex marriage ceremonies were performed at the stroke of midnight in Minnesota and, later today, Rhode Island. The dominoes are falling so fast I can't keep count these days, but I think they're states #13 and #14 to openly defy God's Word and bring upon them a… (Please pick one in the state of your choice):
Minnesota
Swarm of Michele Bachmanns
Rainstorm of wild rice soup
Pox on their 10,000 lakes
Thousand-year curse on their International polka festival
Rhode Island
Swarm of Elisabeth Hasselbecks
Rainstorm of hot wieners
Pox on their Narragansett Bay
Thousand-year curse on their Newport jazz festival
The fun and sentimentality of watching the events in a state on Day 1 of their marriage equality law taking effect will never---ever---get old. I'll be dabbing my eyes all day, I expect. So before I get all blubbery I'll just say two words: "Congratulations!" and "Prenup!"
CHEERS to the word of the day: Comeuppance. That's what hit House Republicans like a frying pan to the face yesterday when they tried to pass a Paul Ryan-approved Transportation and HUD budget bill and had to toss it in the trash because it didn't have the votes---not even from a majority of austerity-humping Republicans. This is the key take-away message:
“With this action, the House has declined to proceed on the implementation of the very budget it adopted three months ago,” said…Republican [House Appropriations Committee Chairman Hal Rogers]. “Thus I believe that the House has made its choice: sequestration---and its unrealistic and ill-conceived discretionary cuts---must be brought to an end.”
Or, to put it in language the tea party types will understand:
Get a brain, morans.
OH, BOO HOO to Officer Overkill. Remember that UC Davis security goon---Lt. John Pike---who calmly walked back and forth as he doused pepper spray on those protesters at point-blank range a year-and-a-half ago? Here' I'll refresh your memory:
Yeah.
That asshole. He wants worker's comp because the public backlash to his treatment of those kids
hurt his fee-fees. In fact, sometimes the criticism brings tears to his eyes. Well ain't karma a bitch.
JEERS to words unheeded. Remember when Alan Greenspan was treated as an almighty sage, the Yoda of the financial universe, the Gollum of the Galts? As long as he was saying what Republicans wanted to hear, he was good as gold. But three years ago today, in a brief moment of clarity at the height of the tea party's influence, he tossed his GOP overlords an anchor:
MR. GREENSPAN: Look, I'm very much in favor of tax cuts, but not with borrowed money. And the problem that we've gotten into in recent years is spending programs with borrowed money, tax cuts with borrowed money, and at the end of the day, that proves disastrous. And my view is I don't think we can play subtle policy here on it.
MR. GREGORY: You don't agree with Republican leaders who say tax cuts pay for themselves?
MR. GREENSPAN: They do not.
Did Republicans take his advice and offer the thanks of a grateful nation? Hardly. They took him out behind the woodshed, made him squeal like a you-know what and, unless I missed something, he's been a good little Greenspan ever since. And the beltway party invitations overfloweth once again.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 1, 2008
JEERS to living too close to the sun. Man, is it hot or what??!! Blazing hot! And humid...yeesh! Just awful. Of course I'm talking about the weather forecast for Baghdad: 116°, 114°, 113°, 113°...etc. And amazingly, our troops still have the wherewithal to smile about it:
Now...what were you saying about the weather here, Shortsy McTanktop?
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And just one more…
JEERS to the cellar dweller. This is Day 10 of C&J's Anthony Weiner information blackout…and Day 4 of our MSNBC boycott, which will last until they stop obsessing over the self-immolation of the least popular candidate in the NYC mayor's race. Because the circus is getting so ridiculous, we're moving the whole damn thing down here in the basement. Our pledge to post singing dogs or craaaazy cats until whatsizface is officially out of the race remains in force:
In tomorrow's update, a dachshund sings Wagner. Because, my god, what else would it sing?
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
McCain: Hillary Vs. Bill in Portland Maine In 2016 Would Be ‘A Tough Choice’
---Talking Points Memo
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