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Late Night Snark: Dog Days Edition

"There's a new cable channel of entirely dog-based programming called Dog TV. In a related story, there's also an entirely cat-based channel called YouTube."
---Conan O'Brien

Hardball screen grab
His '08 GOPick: Giuliani
His '12 GOPick: Bachmann
Clip of Chris Matthews on Hardball: I predict the hard right is going to take over the Republican party in 2016 and the nomination is going to…Rand Paul. You watch. This is what I do for a living.
John Oliver: Really? Because all this time I thought you were getting paid to spit on a camera lens.
---The Daily Show
"Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13. Or as Filner calls it, a groper's dozen."
---Jay Leno
"It's no secret I'm in favor of government surveillance---it's certainly no secret from the government. But ever since the leaks from NSA 'traitor and guest-at-your-wedding-no-one-seems-to-know' Edward Snowden, we've all had questions about domestic spying: How much do they know about us? As much as Facebook? Or nothing at all because they're using Google Plus?"
---Stephen Colbert
"Jeff Bezos, the CEO of, bought The Washington Post for $250 million. He just walked into the Post's headquarters and said: 'Add to cart.'"
---Jimmy Fallon
And one year ago, after the Romney campaign's exclusive "Be The First To Know" app informed us that Paul Ryan was the GOP vice presidential candidate ten hours after everyone had already found out about it on Twitter:
"Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree. I cannot find one area. So, somehow, he's the smartest guy in the party and she's the stupidest woman on earth but they agree on everything."
---Bill Maher
It's National Rum Day. If you need me tonight I'll be in my Tiki hut with my good buddy Bacardi 151. Because the only rum worth having over for company is the kind you can light on fire.

Your west coast-friendly edition of  Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 16, 2013

Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday for disciplinary reasons. Back Tuesday with a retraction, an apology and a mea culpa.  Regrets?  I'll have a few, but then again, too few to mention.


San Diego Spirits festival logo
8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Labor Day weekend: 14
Days 'til the San Diego Spirits Festival: 8
Decrease in the U.S. deficit in the first 10 months of 2013 vs. the first 10 months of 2012: 37.6%
(Source: Congressional Budget Office)
Size of the worldwide baby market for cosmetics and toiletries in 2011: $41 billion
Expected size of that market in 2017: $62 billion
(Source: Time)
Percent of Americans who prefer washing their car by hand and via a commercial car wash, respectively, in the summer: 43%, 43%
(Source: USA Today)
FIFA's ranking for the United States soccer team, after being out of the top 20 for two years: #19


Puppy Pic of the Day:  "Why yes, I believe it has got my tongue.


CHEERS to The Greatest Headline Ever.  And yes, this is real:

Seattle Police Will Hand Out Doritos at This Year's Hempfest.
More proof:

In the distance, quiet sobs could be heard as the staff at The Onion came one step closer to irrelevance.

CHEERS to big bidness.  Yes, the bidding is going fast & furious at the annual Netroots Nation online auction, leading to the threat of an investigation by Congressman Darrell Issa. (Damn, does that guy never sleep???)  There's something for everyone.  On this year's virtual auction block, whose proceeds help offset the cost of putting on the annual convention (Detroit---July 17-20):

Doodle by Congressman Raul Grijalva
Also on the block: one of Rep.
Raul Grijalva's famous doodles!
>> A Tiger baseball Weekend and a chance to watch a Mets game from a luxury suite
>> A political book collection including the best of Franken, Ivins and Hightower
>> Gooey butter bars and homemade honey cake
>> A stellar collection of jewelry
>> artwork that will class up your home or office as it lowers your blood pressure
>> Netroots Nation '14 (in Detroit next July) exclusives, including backstage passes, front-row seats, and even a karaoke duet with hella-cool Congressman Mike Honda
>> Pootie pads!
And much more.  So far I'm the lead bidder for the Roman gladiator trident-hurling lessons and "8 Hours Behind the Wheel of a Steamroller," but I'm losing out on the "Escape the Rapture FREE" card.  Oddly enough, to Pat Robertson.

CHEERS to Queer Eye for the Tough Guy.  Other than knowing that professional wrestling is mostly a highly-choreographed (and sweaty---lord how they sweat) stage show, my interest in it pretty much ended at the intersection of Andre the Giant Avenue and Rowdy Roddy Piper Boulevard.  But I know WWE is Theatre of the Macho, so it's cool to see the organization's official reaction to headliner Darren Young's exit from the closet and on his way to pride parade grand marshaldom:

WWE wrestler Darren Young, who came out as a gay man in August, 2013
"I'm comin' after
you, Putin!"
On TMZ this morning, WWE Superstar Darren Young (Fred Rosser) revealed to the WWE Universe that he is gay. WWE is proud of Darren Young for being open about his sexuality, and we will continue to support him as a WWE Superstar. Today, in fact, Darren will be participating in one of our Be A STAR anti-bullying rallies in Los Angeles to teach children how to create positive environments for everyone regardless of age, race, religion or sexual orientation.
The response from his fellow WWE stars reveals the big-hearted lugs they are.  In fact, tonight I hear they'll do a group hug before they beat each other senseless with folding chairs.

P.S. Darren Young vs. Vladimir Putin.  Cage match.  Somebody make it happen.

Congressman Mike Michaud (D-ME)
CHEERS to the next governor of Maine.  He's a Democrat, he's currently a U.S. Congressman from Maine's Second (read: rural, red) District, he's well-known, well-liked, and he'll be a damn sight better than the teabagger---Paul LePage---we've got in office now.  Rep.  Mike Michaud (pronounced "MEE-show" and always followed with "Gesundheit") officially tossed his blueberry rake into the ring yesterday:
Michaud has already begun picking at the governor's unpolished finish, saying the state requires a leader with civility. He said Thursday that the governor's "extreme agenda" was hurting Mainers.  "He's attacked our cities, our towns and our workers," he said. "He's attacked our teachers, our schools and our universities. He's attacked our environment and our economy."
And in other news, it was also announced yesterday that Maine is opening its own circus school.  But not until 2015.  LePage says he wants to finish his term first.

CHEERS to riding the rails. 115 years ago today, in 1898, Edwin Prescott patented his design for a "roller coaster."  It was followed the next day by a patent for "Ye Olde Hurling Bucket."

Elvis Presley concert ticket for August 17, 1977
The Portland, Maine Elvis concert
that was not to be.
JEERS to exiting too soon.  On August 16, 1977, while sitting on his golden throne, 42 year-old Elvis Presley's heart ran out of steam and he died at 3:30 p.m. (He was supposed to kick off a concert tour in Portland, Maine the next day.)  Of course, this date has special significance for gaffe watchers: during a stop in South Carolina a couple years back, Michele Bachmann urged a campaign crowd--all six of them--to join her in wishing The King happy birthday.  Someone in the crowd yelled out the truth but she ignored it, of course, since facts are pesky things.  Anyway, pay your hunka hunka burnin' respects here, darlin'. Thankyuhvrrrmuch.

Alex Trebek with jeopardy background
When 'Jeopardy!' is on
Saturday evening, all is
right in the universe.
CHEERS to home vegetation.  Another weekend, another couch that will bear the full weight of my butt---god help it (the couch I mean; my butt is a lost cause).  Here are some of the haps on the tube, but I warn you it's slim pickins this week:  New DVD releases include one of the many 2013 Hey-let's-do-a-movie-about-destroying-the-White-House movies, Olympus Has Fallen, and the Robert Redford thriller with one of the worst titles of 2013, The Company You Keep.  The baseball schedule is here. (The Red Sox will go the Full Doodle Dandy on the Yankees Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!)  On 60 Minutes: Danish spies under your bed!!!  And Bill Moyers talks with activists Marshall Ganz, Rachel Laforest and Madeline Janis about how organized people can successfully fight organized money to deliver social change.  And here's your Sunday morning lineup.  For shits and giggles, I've bolded the fine folks who could be the new replacement rodeo clown at the next Missouri State Fair:
Meet the Press: Stop-and-Frisk discussion with New York City police commissioner Ray Kelly vs. Trayvon Martin’s mother Sybrina Fulton, the family’s lawyer Benjamin Crump, and President and CEO of the NAACP, Ben Jealous. Roundtable with  Robert Gibbs, Rich Lowry, Rep. Donna Edwards (D-MD) and Chuck Todd.

Senator Lindsay Graham in clownface
Git along, little Lindsay!
This Week: Senate Foreign Relations Committee Ranking Member Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN) and House Foreign Affairs Committee Ranking Member Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY); roundtable with GOP chair Reince Priebus, David Plouffe, Carly Fiorina, Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) and Bill Kristol.

Face the Nation: Rep. Jackie Speier (D-CA) on the Pentagon's new round of military sexual assault policies; Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC); NYPD commissioner Ray Kelly stops and frisks everyone on the set; House Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-VA), and Rep. Bobby Scott (D-VA), discuss immigration reform, mandatory minimum sentencing and voting rights.

CNN's State of the Union:  Not sure, since they don’t bother to update their web site until they've got a few Friday night beers in 'em.  Heckuva job, entire staff at CNN.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY); Rep. Pete King (R-NY); Sen. Dick Blumenthal (D-CT); roundtable with Evan Bayh, Dennis Kucinich, Karl Rove and Kimberly Strassel.

And the winner of the 2014 Missouri State Fair Rodeo Clown contest is a three-way tie: Paul, Rove and Graham---aka The Three Stooges of Bullcrap.  Yeehaw and Happy viewing!


Six years ago in C&J: August 16, 2007

JEERS to Diplomacy 102: How NOT to Do It.  President Bush is labeling Iran's Revolutionary Guard a terrorist group.  If history is any guide, he'll now spend the rest of his term not being able to find them.

CHEERS to overdue departures.  Dennis Hastert won’t be running for re-election next year.  The former Speaker says it's time for a change of pace.  Instead of sitting around the House doing nothing, he plans to sit around the house doing nothing.


And just one more…

CHEERS to people with the greatest first name on the planet.  We won’t be here Monday, so I'll get in a quick "Early Happy Birthday…and many blessings on your camels" to Bill Clinton.  #42 turns a boyish---for ex-presidents, anyway---67.  But don’t expect him to make it to his party on time.  From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:

Young Bill Clinton in band uniform
Future First Fella?
On his inauguration day, Bill Clinton was twenty-seven minutes late for his customary courtesy call on the Bushes. It was a sign of things to come. He once kept Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist waiting forty-five minutes and even showed up late for his formal greeting of the king of Spain.
One the one hand: brash, charming, scary intelligent, beat Bush, humiliated Gingrich, made the economy hum, is a fantastic surrogate for Democrats up and down the ballot, great humanitarian, convincingly feels your pain, and looks likely to blaze a trail as America's first First Husband.  On the other hand: DOMA, DADT, Monica, repeal of Glass-Steagall, NAFTA, and I hear he reed-synched his sax solo on Arsenio. [sigh] That's our Bubba.

Have a sun-splashed weekend unless you need rain in which case have a rain-splashed weekend!  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?



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