I'm seeing more craziness out on the roadways than ever. Since it's my sacred duty as a middle-aged suburban male to teach everyone else how to drive, I've decided we could use another one of these (plus it's fun).
In the first installment I stereotyped, ahem, "categorized" these folks by what they drive. This time around we'll look at some of the crazy stunts I've seen out there.
Better buckle up, this could get interesting.
1. The Weaver
In rush hour traffic all this extra effort puts them maybe three car-lengths ahead of you, getting them to their destination roughly 30 seconds earlier than they would have otherwise.
That looks like a lot of extra work. Sure hope it was worth it.
2. The Left-Lane Hog
3. The Passive-Aggressive
This person behaves a lot like #2 except they know exactly what they're doing. They're either trying to be the self-appointed enforcer of the speed limit or they're just doing it to mess with driver #1. Are they a jerk or just an idiot? You decide. They may not have road-rage, but they're probably causing it.
4. The Just Plain Aggressive
They are at least have the benefit of being predictable.
5. The Cautious to a Fault
Oh, and if the pavement is a little wet or heaven-forbid has snow on it? Fuhgetaboutit! Hope you weren't in a hurry to get anywhere.
Look, it's good to be safe, but if driving is that scary just think how safe you'd be if you never left the house.
6. The Last-Second Decision Maker
I saw someone hit the median once while pulling this stunt. It wasn't pretty.
Don't. Just don't.
7. The Rolling Roadblock
Now I've been told that many trucks are governed to where they can only go one or two miles over the speed limit. Fine, I'll grant you that, but then why bother passing?
8. The Squid
Safety gear? Not needed. He's invincible. How would you see how cool he looks if he was wearing a helmet, or a shirt.
Assuming he lives he'll likely end up as the poster-child for skin graft research.
9. The Kamikaze Lane-Splitter
This guy isn't your garden variety lane-splitter, however. He'll come rocketing between lanes of traffic so fast he's a blur, engine wound to the red-line, his modified exhaust screaming. First time it happened to me it took a second to even register what it was. Sometimes they travel in packs so watch for his wingmen.
I guess someone needs to keep ambulance drivers in business.
10. The Fearless Urban Cyclist
Look, I like bicycles. I enjoy riding mine very much. I don't enjoy it when they dart out into traffic in front of me. Some drivers hate us enough as it is, we don't need to be pissing them off by breaking traffic laws.
I've seen it all. Giant dually pickups barreling up the left lane at 90 mph passing elderly couples going 45. People coming at me wrong way on an exit ramp. Ten miles per hour over the limit will just get you tailgated - by a cop.
Be sure to watch out for the guy running the red light, and the other two cars following him.
And whatever you do, if they happen to get that rare once-a-year snowfall do not drive that day.
Be careful out there folks.