From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
If the color-coded terrorism alert system the Republicans created was still in place, it would've gone to Level Red this week because of the terrorism threat created by the Republicans.
Joe Lieberman has been gone from the Senate for 287 blissful days.
Prediction: To revive his political career for 2016, Jeb Bush will change his last name to Reagan.
[This item removed due to a twinge of doubt.]
Another thing I know: John
Boehner survives...barely.
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A week later, Face the Nation still has a former House Speaker listed in the last paragraph of their Oct. 13 guest lineup as Newt "Gingrinch."
One feature of the new $100 bill that hasn't changed: for working women it's still only worth 77 bucks.
Just this once, I would approve of letting Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi take a victory lap around Washington in a golden chariot. (Yes, yes...with a staffer behind them whispering a warning that glory is fleeting so don't get cocky except for this one chariot ride.)
The U.S. Capitol has a tomb in the basement that was created especially for George Washington, who opted instead to be buried at Mount Vernon. No one has ever rested in it except Ted Cruz during daylight hours.
At the Washington D.C. tea party protest Sunday, people were screaming at the police: "You work for US!!!" My first thought was: what shitty asshole bosses they have.
The new Republican chant: "What do we want?" "Hell if we know!" "When do we want it?" "1950!!!"
There's a little bit of a little bit of all of us in all of us.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, October 17, 2013
Note: All cheers and jeers in today's column are, in fact, made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same. Film at 11.
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9 days!!!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Daylight Saving Time ends:
17
Days 'til the
Boynton Beach Haunted Pirate Fest in Florida:
9
Rank of U.S. adults among 33 countries in reading, math, and problem-solving skills, respectively:
#16, #21, #17
Rank of Japan and Finland, respectively, in all three categories:
#1, #2
(Source: Program for the International Assessment of Adult Competencies)
Number of states in which federal same-sex marriage lawsuits are currently under consideration:
20
(Source:
Joe.My.God.)
Percent chance that the Obama administration deliberately sabotaged the healthcare.gov website so people wouldn't see the real prices:
100%
(Source:
Crazy people in attics)
Weather this morning for Saturn's moon, Titan:
-300 degrees with a 90% chance of methane drizzle
MLB Championship Playoffs
Boston Red Sox are tied with the Detroit Tigers 2 games to 2
St. Louis Cardinals lead the L.A. Dodgers 3 games to 2
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
For me, the most annoying suggestion being made is that Democrats somehow need to claim or reclaim patriotism or to do something to let folks know that we, too, love our country. I find that hideously offensive. I have always thought the only way to respond to Republican statements and implications questioning the patriotism of non-Republicans is with a good swift blast of venomous anger. … The contemptible, petty, little would-be Joe McCarthys need to understand what love of country really means -- love of the highest and best in America.
---October, 2005
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Have a heart
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CHEERS to the bitter end. Exclusive footage reveals what happened last night when the tea party (let's just call them, oh, "Dr. No") mounted one last stand against the forces of reality during the Senate and House votes to end the shutdown and raise the debt ceiling…
Couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch of lunatics. And now that we've put this insane gridlock behind us, the government can start running the way it normally does: with mildly-demented gridlock.
CHEERS to the kid from Newark. I'm writing this in a drunken stupor… Wait, let me start that again:
Ahm wrtng thssssssss ina drken strupor Wednesday nite B4 the polls close in Snooki Land to B the FIRST! (frist?) to shay CORBY BROOKER WON HIS SNENATE TOGA LAST NIGHT 100 to zero percent! I demand a patronage job in THE Civil Shervice!!!!
Congratulations. Remember whose old seat you're parking your butt in. Now go make Frank proud. But first there's a cat stuck in a tree on West Runyon Street. Fly, Superman, fly.
CHEERS to book learnin'. On October 17, 1979, President Jimmy Carter---he just turned freakin' 89!---signed legislation creating the Department of Education. It's one of the departments that the mortally-wounded tea partiers want to abolish because of its communist-socialist-libtard mission to turn every school into a monolithic institution of brainwashing. Except, well, not so much….
"Always. Be. CLOSING!"
The Department of Education does not establish schools or colleges ... Unlike the systems of most other countries, education in the United States is highly decentralized, and the federal government and Department of Education are not heavily involved in determining curricula or educational standards (with the recent exception of the No Child Left Behind Act). This has been left to state and local school districts. The quality of educational institutions and their degrees is maintained through an informal private process known as accreditation, over which the Department of Education has no direct public jurisdictional control.
Did ya catch that? George W. Bush, the mighty titan of the party of "states' rights," swaddled our childrens' lurnin' in a snuggly blanket of federal authoritah. Anyway, happy birthday, ED. Let's all give 'em a polite eraser clap.
JEERS to kicking the cummerbund down the road. The way the script in my head read was: a federal judge leans on the Supreme Court DOMA ruling to open the door to gay marriage in Michigan. Wedding bells ring and wedding planners weep and everybody's happy except the right-wingers (as god intended). [Sigh.] Unfortunately the judge punted, ordering the case to trial in February:
No same-sex weddings in the
Wolverine State just yet. Soon!
He clearly caught the lawyers on both sides off guard, as they had agreed to have him decide the issue on arguments and briefs. More than 100 people were in the courtroom, anticipating a decision in favor of gay marriage, and dozens of others watched a video feed of the proceedings in a nearby room. A groan went up in that room when [Judge] Friedman said he'll wait. […]
"We were all hoping for an immediate ruling, but they understand it's a very long process," co-counsel Dana Nessel told reporters.
So it's gonna be like Michigan's version of the Prop. 8 trial, which was like, to use a seasonal analogy, running over a right-wing pumpkin with a steamroller. And like the Prop. 8 trial, we wait. Someone pull out the Euchre cards and order me a bucket o' Zehnder's.
JEERS to Governor Lunkbucket. Paul LePage, the tea party hothead who resides in our governor's mansion, has dug his 2014 re-election grave a little deeper. Two harebrained moves this week:
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1) He was caught on tape admitting that his little "civil emergency" stunt during the shutdown was put into effect so he could use the crisis to do a little gratuitous union bashing against state employees. Isn't that sweet?
2) After a Norwegian firm was granted a $120 million contract (read: jobs jobs jobs!) to do some exploratory work on the potential of off-shore wind power---complete with floating-turbine wind farms that are being used successfully in Europe---LePage abruptly opened the bidding back up and basically said "Screw you" to Statoil. This week Statoil replied: "No, screw you. We'll take the project and the jobs to Scotland instead. Toodles!"
True fact: "Toodles" is what Norwegians say when they're really mad.
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Five years ago in C&J: October 17, 2008
CHEERS to the beginning of the end of the end. I've been waiting to read this for nearly 8 years:
Thank god that
baton got passed.
Under an executive order signed by Bush, a newly created Presidential Transition Coordinating Council will meet Wednesday to begin mapping out an orderly handoff to Republican John McCain or Democrat Barack Obama.
The McCain and Obama campaigns have already begun preparations for a possible transition. The White House said the administration has been working with representatives from both sides since the summer and has provided security clearances for key aides.
So far it's gone smoothly. Although there are occasional creepy moments when team members spot Dick Cheney spying on them through eyeholes in the paintings.
WHATEVER to joining the cockroach farm. Glenn Beck is leaving his CNN gig to go work at Fox News. Which is weird because I thought most professionals wanted to move up the ladder.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Jon Stewart's (faux)-evil twin. Part of my job here at C&J is making us all feel old. So, in that spirit, consider this: The Colbert Report debuted eight years ago today as the yang to The Daily Show's yin. While Jon Stewart is the rational observer horrified by the lunacy and hypocrisy of modern politics, Stephen Colbert (a card-carrying Kossack in good standing) dons the leopard skin of the modern-day conservative and "feels the news" from the perspective of "a well-intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiot." (coughBillOReillycough) He revealed his weapon of choice at the top of his first show:
Among Colbert's guests: Hitler Kos.
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"That brings us to tonight's Word: Truthiness.
Now I'm sure some of the 'word police'---the Wordinistas over at Webster's---are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word.' Well, anyone who knows me knows I'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books.
I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats and Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided between those who 'think' with their head, and those who 'know' with their heart. … Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you."
Colbert finally
won his first Outstanding Variety Series Emmy, which he'll add to his Grammy, his Peabody, and his official honorary title of "Arbiter of American Morality and Defender of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy." I expect he'll win more. Call it a gut feeling. He would.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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