It’s ghoulish, creepy and deeply disturbing.
The most horrifying haunted house America has ever seen is located smack dab in the middle of Washington, D.C.
It is (insert spine-chilling sound effects here) the Haunted House of Representatives.
The place is festering with brain-eating mutants so horrifying that it only takes a couple dozen of them to nearly destroy the U.S. economy.
They’ve already finished devouring each other’s brains, and they hunger to sink their hideous, rotting teeth into yours.
They especially love gnawing on the part of the brain where most people believe in science — climate change, evolution, stuff like that.
Then they move on to the part that believes in economic policy that benefits regular folks instead of the wealthiest among us, followed by the succulent gray matter that supports equality for gays and minorities.
And they absolutely delight in gobbling up chunks of brain that believe in helping those less fortunate.
Cleverly disguised in suits and ties to create the illusion that they are serving the public as congressmen — a role that has traditionally involved working collectively to craft legislation that helps America — they instead stagger around, arms outstretched as if entranced, muttering “Must kill Obamacare.”
And, oh how they howl and shriek about smothering your federal government — strangling and dismembering it, cutting out its heart with a rusty chainsaw.
Their anti-American skullduggery takes many forms. But it all comes down to one subversive, some say treasonous, obsession — and they have to keep it simple because there’s considerable evidence to suggest most of them are not too bright.
Their mission: Make sure nothing good happens in America because their sworn enemy — that illegitimate, foreign-born, socialist, Muslim president, Barack Hussein Obama — might receive part of the credit.
Quick background: The Republican goal of punishing Obama, even if it means sticking it to millions of Americans, was publicly announced shortly after his election in 2008. But it dramatically intensified in 2010 when a fresh crop of far-right, scorched-earth trolls were elected to haunt the House.
After rejecting the leadership of 2012 Republican presidential nominee Mitt Zombie and their own House Speaker John “Bones” Boehner, they aligned behind Texas Sen. Ted Cruz and have since been collaborating on a diabolical B-movie horror story perhaps best titled “Night of the Living Ted.”
Yes, the nation’s haunted House (OK, the Senate too) is crackling with paranormal activity.
Example: In one of their high-profile schemes to scare the bejeezus out of us, they conspired to shut down the federal government and plunge the nation’s credit into default — all, as it turns out, for absolutely no reason.
The mind-bending part is that then they all went on TV to pretend the shutdown was caused by President Obama.
They choreographed appearances at national parks, where they reacted in mock horror that the parks were closed. You see, most of the human-like entities that haunt our House are very good at make-believe.
And while they rattle and clank their chains about being fiscally responsible, their little shutdown prank dope-slapped the U.S. economy to the tune of billions and billions of dollars.
To use a Halloween metaphor, a wacky little pack of GOP hobgoblins rang the bell at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, then when Obama wouldn’t give them their treat (i.e. junking the Affordable Care Act) they responded by toilet-papering the White House and basically egging every person in America.
(Widespread reports suggest this is not the first time they have placed a bag full of crap on the White House stoop and lit it on fire.)
Maybe our longstanding custom of holding Election Day right after Halloween has come back to bite us in the brain — leaving us dumbfounded as our haunted House treats us day after day to a nightmarish carnival of the absurd.
So happy Halloween, everybody. I’m going as a loud-mouth pawn in a dysfunctional democracy where we let a minority of destructive morons run the show.
– John Breneman