As we discussed earlier in the program, the roll-out of the President's health care initiative has not been an easy one, apparently now with the website punching people in the dick. It's why you can hardly turn on a TV these days without seeing a medical expert providing guidance.
10/1/2013:
DR. SANJAY GUPTA, CNN: Now for people who go to the marketplace who already have insurance, they should check ahead of time to find out, because that could influence how much they're paying in terms of co-pays and deductibles.
DR. NANCY SNYDERMAN, MSNBC: As of January 1, 2014, comprehensive preventive services, like mammography and some genetic testing, will be available.
DR. MANNY ALVAREZ, FOX NEWS: This is socialized medicine.
Wait, what?! What was that last one? The last one seemed less like medical advice, and more like Thanksgiving with your crazy Republican uncle. What was that? This is socialism? Apparently, though, that's Dr. Manny Alvarez. He's a valued member of Fox News's Medical A Team.
That's not the A-team. Where's Mr. T? There's no Mr. T there. I see all George Peppards. I see no Mr. T. Yeah, Peppard reference! What's up?
And Alvarez is there because he's got the medical knowledge that it takes to make the A Team.
DR. MANNY ALVAREZ (4/29/2011): Hemorrhoids.
(Notice that hemorrhoids is spelled wrong in Alvarez's own promo.)
Athlete's foot. Erectile dysfunction. Man boobs. ... Whatever you call them, man boobs or moobs.
(audience laughter)
Man boobs or moobs? I call them broasts. (audience laughs) Boybees. (audience laughs) Chestnuts. (audience laughs) Manneries. (audience laughs) Brokeback Mountains. (audience groans) Really? That's what pushed you over the edge?
But I guess medical advice isn't really the focus of Fox's medical experts. They serve a much more important purpose — to agree with Fox News talking points. For example, say the President wants everyone to have insurance. Who better to say that's a bad idea than a doctor?
DR. MARC SIEGEL (10/28/2013): Before they started this, we were all in trouble with insurance to begin with. There's too much health insurance. It covers too much. Too many people have it.
(shocked audience laughter)
What?! Congratulations, I've never heard that before. It's just too many people! Here's the problem with health care, too many people have health insurance. And food and shelter! It just doesn't feel special if everyone has it! (audience laughter)
But these doctors don't just take on Obamacare. Their medical expertise carries over to any Fox talking point.
DR. CYNARA COOMER (8/9/2010): Now we feel like it's un-American to be a patriotic American in this country.
DR. MANNY ALVAREZ (2/6/2012): Everything in this country at every level is about regulation!
DR. MARC SIEGEL (5/29/2012): It's very suspicious ... that the President's not coming forward with his college records.
DR. BEN CARSON (3/26/2013): Marriage is between a man and a woman. ... No group, be they gays, be they NAMBLA, be they people who believe in bestiality. ... They don't get to change the definition.
Yeah, no group, no group. Be they Fox News doctors, or serial rapists, or.... I'm not saying they're equivalent, I just put the two of them in a sentence together next to each other.
That's neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson, and to be fair, he was not a Fox News contributor when he said that. It was after they heard that, that they went, "Hire that guy." (audience laughter)
DR. BEN CARSON (10/9/2013): You know, Vladimir Lenin, one of the founders of socialism and Communism, he said socialized medicine is the keystone of the arch to the socialist state. In other words, you gotta get the socialized medicine as the foundation because it gives you control of the people.
I don't want to nitpick the doctor here, but historically, Vladimir Lenin never actually said that. It's a made-up quote. And architecturally, the keystone and the foundation are two different things. One's at the bottom, and the other... doesn't matter. The point is, grammatically, the sentence was flawless.
My point is this. These guys seem less like doctors, and more like the shady expert witnesses paid by the defense to say that "the bullet hole exit wound, I dunno, maybe that's a third nipple, I dunno".
I mean, these guys, I'm not a doctor, but these guys seem sort of crazy, you know. They need help. What Fox really needs is an in-house psychiatrist.
CLAYTON MORRIS: Joining us now to answer that, Fox News contributor and psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow.
(audience laughter and applause)
This isn't going to work out well. It's Dr. Keith Ablow, despite the somewhat troubling fact that he's a mental health professional with a segment called "Normal or Nuts?"
(audience laughter)
I can only hope that he's the network's voice of sanity and reason.
9/14/2011:
MEGYN KELLY: Do you really believe that children are going to turn transgender from watching Chaz Bono?
DR. KEITH ABLOW: Yes!
(shocked audience laughter)
The defense rests. We'll be right back.
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to "experience" poverty.