The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for the Republicans.
Black Friday is the only holiday I can think of that really captures the spirit of contemporary America.
Thanks to cell phone technology, our civilization is going to lose the ability to speak. We'll just groan and bark and send text messages.
How would we go about electing Pope Francis president of the world?
Carve out time each day to think about how you'll really start on that exercise program tomorrow.
Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat at all. Exertion is fucking stupid.
Today's affirmation: "I am always evolving into a better asshole than before."